Why... Why Not...

I've had this hurt in the stomach for so long. No one should live with that daily. I sleep very bad, and I think it doesn't make my jugdement clearer, far from it. But i have to functionate like if nothing was wrong. that's what our society is. A friend here posted something to me that said we love things and use people when we should love people and use things. 

I have lots of past issues that remained unresolved, and that is heavy. Whether i think about it, or not, like most of time, it's still there. I'm still looking for myself because I search my father, or know who he is. I deal with contradictory feelings due to haven't been loved/hugged/encouraged/accepted as a child, until at least the age of 12. I have great problems with conflicts, I always feel responsible (even for my mothers' death, from disease), and unloved, or more unlovable. I'm still trying to accept that my (legal) father wanted me dead, and let me drown. I have trust issues, for having been lied, and manipulated to some degrees by my family, and of course because of my (legal) father's corvertly to overtly incestuous behavior and mysogyny. I still have today the feeling to have been an experience in that family, a guinea pig. And rape, a rape that was totally my fault, I mean who goes alone in a small town alone at night? And the child born from it, adopted. I count every birthday. It'll be soon his birthday. I probably have neurosis, anxiety neurosis, slightly mutated to phobic neurosis (when I'm doing good ha ha). I've felt depressed for some weeks now.

I have daily issues like everyone I suppose. I'm a poor worker, I live of precarity employment, the rich exploiting the poor. Once more I have an abusive employer who thinks he can take days, and not pay me. that'll make lose  1/3 of my salary for this month. i'm not paid during the kids holidays (how normal is that?), anyways... that makes half of a (part time half time) salary in February, same in April. How do I make my rent? that doesn't shock my employer.  In two weeks, they'll go to ski on my salary. And tomorrow i don't work, I'll lose 10 hours more to the 18 I already lose for their little holidays. I was so angry my partner had to take the phone to do a sort of mediation. My employer was so "whining" about his condition my partner hung up the phone. They don't intend to pay me. So i guess i'll be looking for a new job soon. Normally I change every 9 months, every scholar year. Last year I had abusive employers too. It's very stressful to have such a job/professional/financial situation. It's very harmful for self-esteem too, to be considered that way, and that your country says it's normal. The richer more abusive? What hurts the more in fact is the arrogance and the sufficience with which they talked to us. I've been fighting for having a new job each time it was needed, I live with little money, happily I'm not a money person, but at least I need to be able to pay my bills. I sit on my dreams. I'm strong, I smile, I take the good I can take in the middle of that mess. I cried this evening, a real good cry like I had had a long time ago. My partner was supportive, ha, his way, meaning very punchy, enthousiastic. I just needed a break, someone soft. I felt so down I told him it was support I needed, and that felt very lonely. I got up and left to the PC. I thought I could control myself, but it was impossible. My partner came and tried to talk to me, lightly, I don't know what he hoped, or kind of human being he thinks I am (wonderwoman?). He cut it and pulled me to him for a hug eventually (a day to remember). He could've cut it since the beginning to the hug, maybe it would've helped me. A formation? Yeah, why not, but something I'd like to do would take a while, while during which I wouldn't be working, wouldn't earn a salary. Free formations are the longer. My partner told me nurse would be good. I told him not for people like me with mental issues. He paused for a while (I think he didn't quite expect that kind of answer) and asked what kind of mental issues. Neurosis, depression, I said. He waited for a while and then said the horaries were not the best indeed. And that people die all the time there I said. Now at least he won't be able to say he didn't know my condition. I told him I want to see a psychiatrist, for therapy and maybe meds to sleep. The problem even in the best case, meaning paid back stuff, I'll have to advance the money, I'm not sure I can afford it. Or I go to a social stuff, not bad, but a long wait. I'm not sure i can wait. 


I do little jobs I hate for a salary of misery, I'm happy when I can make it financially. I live with a partner, frankly, does he love me? My friends are far, my family inexistent. My dreams? I can't afford to have dreams, I  barely  survive. I've always fought, and I won''t discuss that, life's hard and painful, it's a permanent struggle in the jungle, nothing's easy, and you have to fight for it, and I would do it again...  (although this is not my opinion on how the world should be, and that we should respect and have compassion for those back to the wall instead of testing them with lab rats games)... If I knew why I do it. I don't know why I do things anymore. I lost hope. I see absolutely no future. I know I will end up killing myself on a distorted picture I have of my future life. I try to keep that in mind, that I'm exhausted and irritable, and not totally myself, but the objectivity is hard, and I have moments of pure sorrow and hurt. I would at least like to be accepted in my own place, and recognize the right to feel down to have lived that situation for years, and enemployment too. I know what it is, I don't want to live that gain. When you're 20, 25, you tell yourself it's just a bad while to pass, but now closer and closer to 30, things aren't better, experience doesn't provide better jobs. Not my full being wants to die, but a part of me wants to. I had come to open myself these last months, to others. I think it'll stop here. 


I cried my heart out this evening, and my stomach still hurts.


deleted deleted
Mar 3, 2009