I Used to

I used to think of commiting suicide to when i was in fifth grade. my mom was pressuring me to do well in school. she gets mad everytime i get low grades and constantly reminds me of their sacrifices just to get me into a private school. A mistake in a quiz made me sad back then. i kept a quiz booklet to monitor my progress. Although i was known in school and made it to the top of my class, i was miserable. I hated getting low grades but i hated myself more when i see my mom disppointed with me. I thought she never cared for my safety but as time passed by I understood her. She just wanted me to experience things she never had during her childhood. She wanted me to be an achiever. My mom loves me. She just doesn't know how to express it "properly." The thoughts of killing myself at times of despair still haunts me to this day but thank GOd i have never attempted to do it. Why? I can't just leave the world. They need people like me to cheer them up, impress them with my wits and understand their peculiarities. Besides, I've got a low tolerance to pain. The thoughts of slashing myself, jumping of a building or overdosing with pills are horrible for me! haha! oh well, I know i could be a "psycho" sometimes but I know i have people who love me for who I AM.

*peace out*
toph toph
1 Response Aug 20, 2007

I've been there and all I can say is that even trying it changes nothing. The best thing would be to try and talk to a friend about it or someone who knows her.