Is It the Only Way

i think about it almost everyday i dont think any of my friends or family even suspect iam unhappy but iam i try every night to sleep in hope of waking up to a better day but it never happens iam  not a virgin but a hopeless romantic i want to find love and peace in my life but everytime i get close to somebody i do think iam really close to i end up getting ****ed in the end i am absolutely not happy about me self i cant be my self around my family which hurts so bad i dont want to be like this i feel like such a ***** but i can not help it some times i have to drink just to sleep and forget my life even as i type this story right now i down the strongest drink i can tolerate i am only ninteen have done and seen many things in my short life iam am training to be a paramedic firefighter which requires much strength and compassion which i do not feel i have enough of i have seen people die and seem to become jealous of them for they do not have to worry about the things i do i want to be happy but it just does not seem possible for me i want to much but never get enough try to find god but only laugh in the face of the religous people i come in contact to i want peace and think the only way to it is stopping the terrrible thoughts in my mind none of my friends or family truely know me or how i feel i need a sign of why i should live why i should keep trying the one girl i truely think i have fallen for is struck with depression and all i want to do is help her but its never enough i do think i love her even though i have never had a true relation with her point is that i feel so strong for her and it seems all she wants to do is reject me i need help i truely do i want to kill myself so bad but an afriad right now please help me before it is to late i do not want to talk to people i have never met before but i do think it is easier than talking to people i talk to and hang out with every day i just need a reason why i should continue thats it just one lagit reason why i should go on with this pathetic life i live and the loved ones i leave behind is not enough of a reason for they do not turely know me i ****ing want it all to stop i really do need the help because i know there are many people i can help if only i can help myself please before i make the final decision stop me i dont want to go but every minute i type this story the better starting a car with a hose from the exhaust to my window sounds i am drunk but honest right now i want to live and death sounds so much easier and more just. i can not help this feeling anymore i have been there for so many but the favor never returned while i sip this whiskey and dr. pepper the better the razor the rope the car i do have in my posetion sounds i do not want to live but do not want to face death stuck in the middle please help me this is an honest cry of help[ as my my tears dry i want death more and more PLEASE HELP ME iam to afriand of leaving the mother and sister who truely cared about me but am fully preparred of leaving everyone who never truely knew me i slowly sip on the booze trying to forget my pain as the text goes bouble i start to forget the pain but it always comes back it will always come back i ****ing googled suicide prevention and this sh** came up i f***ind need you right now help me please !!!! i cant stop typing cause it almost feels like i am reaching out if i do kill myself before anyone else stops me i want the poeple who are reading this and thinking about suicide that giving up sometimes is winning for the few of us who feel like there is no option sadly but true i do think the only option is ending it i do not want to be responsible for any one elses death but it seems to me every one is responsible for thery own reactions all i know is i want it to stop but am to afraind to stop wiriting this because as soon as i stop wrighting i am afraid i will kill myslelf all iam doing right now is pro longing my own destruction with alchohol anc the knive that is right next to me if i stop typing iam afraid i will start cutting and stapping i do this not for attention but for the honest hope someone can convience me to stop my thoughts i want to die but want more a reason not to iam at the point of double vison due to the alcohol trying my best to type this correct so some other can find so inspiration from my story please help me before it is to late i dont want my family to know my pain but it hurts to bad all i need is inspiration the sad thing is i have already forgotten my username and password to this sight so even if any one responds to this cry of help it will not matter because i will probally never be able to read the response given to me i want the help but since iam drunk and forgotten the username and password all the responses made will go unheard or seen by me wish me luck i truely need it i hope its not to late

ocramisshit ocramisshit
18-21
Mar 23, 2009