Carry On, Carry On... 'cause Nothing Really Matters

Yes, I do think about it all the time.  Now more than ever... I just think the world is a pile of bullshit on more levels than any mathematician can calculate, and I'm tired of it.  Living itself has become a chore to me, and on my good days everything's barely copesetic.  However, I'm a coward; I can't find it in me to just end my life like I have a deep desire too.  I used to threaten it every now and then, but I'm tired of being forced to talk to retarded crisis lines and borderline apathetic psychiatrists.  I'm not pro-suicide (however, I don't blame people who do it) but I AM tired of all the anti-suicide propaganda out there; I feel like it's mostly for practical and political reasons.  Of course they don't want anyone to kill themselves because if one kills themselves, because after 20 or so years of raising you they expect many many more years of work from you to make up for that burden that they see... and political because well, hey; one less person, one less vote for some puppet politician to have and one less self-indulgent pat on the back for the "man's" society... and of course, one less cog in the machine.


I just feel like everything is so empty and meaningless to me.  I hear it all the time; "all you need is a hobby!" or "Go back to college and pull the damn bootstraps with the rest of us" or "You're just looking for attention" or "You're creating this mess, so cut it out!" or "Jesus loves you and the lord made you beautiful!" or whatever rehashed soundbites they got from the bible or the Tao or whatever.  I'm tired of it and I guarantee, I've heard it all before and it's like a broken record to me.  I just want to disappear and never come back.

I think one of my major problems is the fact that I'm so disconnected from everyone and everything.  I don't get others, and others don't get me.  To them, I'm of a completely different species, and vice versa... especially the women, who treat me like a diseased stray cat without a home.  I've given up on them for good and have been a full-time *********** since I was 15 to release some of my sexual tension and frustration, even though ************ feels empty and meaningless too.  To my peers (and especially women), I'm some weirdo outcast alien with bad taste in music, movies, clothes, cartoons, books (what few I read), social activity, and personal heroes and the like.  They put me down in very subtle ways though; they put their nose up in the air around me, tell me how much better they are and such, ignore me and treat me like I should be seen and not heard... the list goes on.  I just don't understand... everyone seems like a stranger and most everything seems stupid to me.  I feel like I don't belong, and I never did.  I don't even get joy out the things I love most anymore, and they feel like chores too; just imagine how the things that ARE chores feel like to me.

A lot of people like to play the religion card when they feel the need to want to feel self righteous as such, but I know that if there is a god, it does not love me, and is very selective about who it loves.  If everyone were happy and satisfied with life, this world would be a perfect place of perfect angels and everyone would be bored; SOMEONE has to be cursed so the rest can be (feel) blessed.  "God loves us all" is an outright lie, and I hear it in peoples' voices who say it; it's almost as if to convince themselves.  I don't understand why god created this world, or why it watches this shithole of a world sink into a deeper and deeper pit while demanding worship and money and every damn Sunday and worship of an almost 2000 year old book... maybe God is actually the creator that created everything and the tyrannical one mentioned in the bible and Qaran and other Islamic/Judaic texts are aliens from another galaxy and/or another dimension that created advanced societies and are treating our lives like a game of "The Sims" and are laughing at us because through their own design, they're above it all.  If I found out that was the truth about this reality, it would not shock me at all.

Everyone around me seems to be sick and/or stressed or such.  My brother has been really sick for about a month after an appendectomy and it's not getting any better especially 'cause he can't even eat, my mother treats me like a lazy free riding leech computer junkie waste (which I probably am) but tries to cover it up around me, my dad died 4 1/2 years ago and it still eats me up inside, and I've lost a lot of relatives too.  Maybe if I kill myself somehow, I'll save a lot of people a lot of long term grief with me... maybe they'll be sad at first but then again maybe it'll save a lot of time and energy that could be spent elsewhere to more productive people/things than I. 

I just don't get it; why can't I be happy like I'm supposed to like everyone else is?  Why can't I just toe the line, fake a smile at my extremely ****** job where I'm not even treated like a 3rd class citizen, why can't I go to some lame, boring community college (the only college I was ever accepted into but I'm so ******* stupid I can't even do decent there) and toe the line like I'm supposed to like everyone else, and why can't I "marry the first girl that isn't a man" and have kids who hate life as much as I do and treat them like it's their fault when they're maladjusted to a psychologically sick world?  Why me?  Why do I have to live my life like I'm the first field monster in some Role Playing Game for people to defeat and laugh at how easy they were to clobber?  Why do I have to epic ******* fail everything I do... everything from school stuff like math to video games retarded 10 year olds can beat... It's actually pretty funny to other people, but I feel my soul sickening inside when I hear their sarcastic, snide comments about it. 

Whatever... I could go on all night and into the morning... I just want to go to bed... and never ever wake up ever again.  I don't want to "find god" or "accept reality and barely scrape for the sake of my friends and family"... I just want to cease my joke of an existence and not even fade away into a memory.  I want to be nothing.  Too bad I am (and always have been) too cowardly and chicken to finally pull through with my innermost desires.

And no, I'm not interested in reading bible quotes, stuff from retarded self-help books, suicide hotlines, or anything about CBT.  So, please, if you intend on posting any of that crap here, save it; it will make whatever future I do have left that much less odious.  Thank you.

"Bullshit is all the reasons we give for living. And if we can't think up any reasons of our own, we always have the God bullshit. We don't know why we're going through all this pointless pain, humiliation, decays, so there better be someone somewhere who does know. That's the God bullshit. And then, there's the noble man bullshit; that man is a noble creature that can order his own world; who needs God? Well, if there's anybody out there that can look around this demented slaughterhouse of a world we live in and tell me that man is a noble creature, believe me: That man is full of bullshit." - Howard Beale

SirDeividdo SirDeividdo
22-25, M
1 Response Feb 10, 2010

I feel the same way! only thing is, I couldnt have said it any better than you just did.