my compiled insecurities

stick with me, it's a long one.

***

looking back on the series of events that led to my problem is crystal; in hindsight of course.  i had been a ballerina since age 3, cutest little thing you'd ever seen, and continued with ballet and dance for ten years.  i loved it, the freedom of fluid movement; expression in a medium that required no words, no talking, and little interaction.  but i grew tall.  not that that's a problem, but along with my tall body came a big rear.  to normal comparisons, i guess not really that big, (people tell me it's 'proportional') but i have been self- conscious about it ever since my mother told me explicitly that i had a 'large butt' and needed to get rid of it.

so my insecurities began, and compiled.

i grew to become 6' tall, was intelligent, athletic (i played volleyball, basketball, and soccer since age 5 as well), but socially AWKWARD.  i just couldn't express what i wanted to say the 'right' way around my peers without being made fun of.  i just didn't fit in, my best friend had moved away in fourth grade and i never bothered to make any new friends. 

what i wanted more than anything was to fit in; for that's what everyone wants deep down- a connection with another human being to make their time spent on this earth worthwhile and fulfilling.

so i tried.  to buy 'the clothes', wear 'the makeup', talk 'the talk'.

but like any other window, you could see right through me, and so again i failed.

high school came and went quickly; but again i never managed to make connections.  yes i was more popular, on student council, started on the varsity teams, had a class rank in the top 5, the list goes on (my college application had a nine page activities list, to further this thought), but still NONE OF IT MATTERED. 

then, with a scholarship group, i took an educational trip to the south, and for the first time in my life someone called me 'pretty'.  genuinely 'pretty'.  "really?"  i asked- caught completely offguard, and with skepticism.  no one- not even my parents- had ever called me pretty before.  shock.

but here's where things get worse.  much much worse.

i went to college, and like any other identity-less teen, i let loose, went wild, and lost focus.  and gained weight.  not in numbers per say, but the 'muscle' from high school sports became fat, flab, and jiggles.  i was repulsed by myself.  absolutely disgusted.  i would avoid the mirrors in the bathroom, not wanting to see what i'd become.

so i worked out.  and i worked out.  hours on end.  cardio, lifting, crunches, lunges; i did it all.  and multiple times a day.  i told myself that i could never work out enough- it was good for me right?  so i went every day. 

and like every phase, that too passed.  i felt a little better, looked a little better, at least better enough for me to look in the mirror, and life continued.

but again, as always, i cycled back into eating unhealthy, but i discovered that i could satisfy my hunger, and 'get rid of it' immediately after.  so this became my solution.  i'd eat what i wanted, only to get rid of it.  it was a pattern.  i became addicted.  i needed that control over a life that was so consumed by image, its image, that the only certainty was my ability to purge myself of the horrors that haunted me from the past.  so i did.

and people noticed; as they always do.  my roommates said i looked more fit, so did my neighbors back home, and my coworkers, relatives, friends.  inside i was THRILLED.  YES! i thought to myself, it's working- finally!  people notice me, in a GOOD way!!  positive feedback.

so the fatty foods i was eating and ridding myself became more healthy foods- i now only eat egg whites, celery, carrots, non-sugary fruits, oatmeal, almonds, and protein shakes. 

and things have not changed.

i am still obsessed with working out.  i go every day for hours. 

i cannot look at myself in the mirror- and when i do i pinch the fat around my middle to see how much i have yet to lose.

i still get rid of food, no matter how healthy.  but it doesn't happen every time i eat.  i'll take even the smallest victory here.

my friendships, though i do have them, are tainted - torn by the ***** of jealousy.

i find a way to pick out a person's faults; even those on the street, those i don't even know, due to their physical appearance.

i've become, in a way, more introverted, probably because it seems like no one understands.

and through thinking about this all, i've come to realize that to regain my identity, i must choose happiness for myself.  it is so easy to be unhappy; to live this way, dealing with the negativitites in life by not letting myself enjoy the small moments because i am caught up in the big picture- the fleeting wish of perfection.  perfection that i will never achieve.  and i want to kick myself because i know that perfection doesn't exist.  yet i yearn for it...

but i can't seek true happiness right now, i lack the strength to do so, and tomorrow is too soon, and probably not next week either, but in time, i must learn to love myself for who i am, no wait, to first discover myself, then love her for who she is.  someday.

***

thank you.