my compiled insecurities
stick with me, it's a long one.
looking back on the series of events that led to my problem is crystal; in hindsight of course. i had been a ballerina since age 3, cutest little thing you'd ever seen, and continued with ballet and dance for ten years. i loved it, the freedom of fluid movement; ex
so my insecurities began, and compiled.
i grew to become 6' tall, was intelligent, athletic (i played volleyball, basketball, and soccer since age 5 as well), but socially AWKWARD. i just couldn't express what i wanted to say the 'right' way around my peers without being made fun of. i just didn't fit in, my best friend had moved away in fourth grade and i never bothered to make any new friends.
what i wanted more than anything was to fit in; for that's what everyone wants deep down- a connection with another human being to make their time spent on this earth worthwhile and fulfilling.
so i tried. to buy 'the clothes', wear 'the makeup', talk 'the talk'.
but like any other window, you could see right through me, and so again i failed.
high school came and went quickly; but again i never managed to make connections. yes i was more popular, on student council, started on the varsity teams, had a class rank in the top 5, the list goes on (my college application had a nine page activities list, to further this thought), but still NONE OF IT MATTERED.
then, with a scholarship group, i took an educational trip to the south, and for the first time in my life someone called me 'pretty'. genuinely 'pretty'. "really?" i asked- caught completely offguard, and with skepticism. no one- not even my parents- had ever called me pretty before. shock.
but here's where things get worse. much much worse.
i went to college, and like any other identity-less teen, i let loose, went wild, and lost focus. and gained weight. not in numbers per say, but the 'muscle' from high school sports became fat, flab, and jiggles. i was repulsed by myself. absolutely disgusted. i would avoid the mirrors in the bathroom, not wanting to see what i'd become.
so i worked out. and i worked out. hours on end. cardio, lifting, crunches, lunges; i did it all. and multiple times a day. i told myself that i could never work out enough- it was good for me right? so i went every day.
and like every phase, that too passed. i felt a little better, looked a little better, at least better enough for me to look in the mirror, and life continued.
but again, as always, i cycled back into eating unhealthy, but i discovered that i could satisfy my hunger, and 'get rid of it' immediately after. so this became my solution. i'd eat what i wanted, only to get rid of it. it was a pattern. i became addicted. i needed that control over a life that was so consumed by image, its image, that the only certainty was my ability to purge myself of the horrors that haunted me from the past. so i did.
and people noticed; as they always do. my roommates said i looked more fit, so did my neighbors back home, and my coworkers, relatives, friends. inside i was THRILLED. YES! i thought to myself, it's working- finally! people notice me, in a GOOD way!! positive feedback.
so the fatty foods i was eating and ridding myself became more healthy foods- i now only eat egg whites, celery, carrots, non-sugary fruits, oatmeal, almonds, and protein shakes.
and things have not changed.
i am still obsessed with working out. i go every day for hours.
i cannot look at myself in the mirror- and when i do i pinch the fat around my middle to see how much i have yet to lose.
i still get rid of food, no matter how healthy. but it doesn't happen every time i eat. i'll take even the smallest victory here.
my friendships, though i do have them, are tainted - torn by the ***** of jealousy.
i find a way to pick out a person's faults; even those on the street, those i don't even know, due to their physical appearance.
i've become, in a way, more introverted, probably because it seems like no one understands.
and through thinking about this all, i've come to realize that to regain my identity, i must choose happiness for myself. it is so easy to be unhappy; to live this way, dealing with the negativitites in life by not letting myself enjoy the small moments because i am caught up in the big picture- the fleeting wish of perfection. perfection that i will never achieve. and i want to kick myself because i know that perfection doesn't exist. yet i yearn for it...
but i can't seek true happiness right now, i lack the strength to do so, and tomorrow is too soon, and probably not next week either, but in time, i must learn to love myself for who i am, no wait, to first discover myself, then love her for who she is. someday.