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my compiled insecurities

stick with me, it's a long one.

***

looking back on the series of events that led to my problem is crystal; in hindsight of course.  i had been a ballerina since age 3, cutest little thing you'd ever seen, and continued with ballet and dance for ten years.  i loved it, the freedom of fluid movement; expression in a medium that required no words, no talking, and little interaction.  but i grew tall.  not that that's a problem, but along with my tall body came a big rear.  to normal comparisons, i guess not really that big, (people tell me it's 'proportional') but i have been self- conscious about it ever since my mother told me explicitly that i had a 'large butt' and needed to get rid of it.

so my insecurities began, and compiled.

i grew to become 6' tall, was intelligent, athletic (i played volleyball, basketball, and soccer since age 5 as well), but socially AWKWARD.  i just couldn't express what i wanted to say the 'right' way around my peers without being made fun of.  i just didn't fit in, my best friend had moved away in fourth grade and i never bothered to make any new friends. 

what i wanted more than anything was to fit in; for that's what everyone wants deep down- a connection with another human being to make their time spent on this earth worthwhile and fulfilling.

so i tried.  to buy 'the clothes', wear 'the makeup', talk 'the talk'.

but like any other window, you could see right through me, and so again i failed.

high school came and went quickly; but again i never managed to make connections.  yes i was more popular, on student council, started on the varsity teams, had a class rank in the top 5, the list goes on (my college application had a nine page activities list, to further this thought), but still NONE OF IT MATTERED. 

then, with a scholarship group, i took an educational trip to the south, and for the first time in my life someone called me 'pretty'.  genuinely 'pretty'.  "really?"  i asked- caught completely offguard, and with skepticism.  no one- not even my parents- had ever called me pretty before.  shock.

but here's where things get worse.  much much worse.

i went to college, and like any other identity-less teen, i let loose, went wild, and lost focus.  and gained weight.  not in numbers per say, but the 'muscle' from high school sports became fat, flab, and jiggles.  i was repulsed by myself.  absolutely disgusted.  i would avoid the mirrors in the bathroom, not wanting to see what i'd become.

so i worked out.  and i worked out.  hours on end.  cardio, lifting, crunches, lunges; i did it all.  and multiple times a day.  i told myself that i could never work out enough- it was good for me right?  so i went every day. 

and like every phase, that too passed.  i felt a little better, looked a little better, at least better enough for me to look in the mirror, and life continued.

but again, as always, i cycled back into eating unhealthy, but i discovered that i could satisfy my hunger, and 'get rid of it' immediately after.  so this became my solution.  i'd eat what i wanted, only to get rid of it.  it was a pattern.  i became addicted.  i needed that control over a life that was so consumed by image, its image, that the only certainty was my ability to purge myself of the horrors that haunted me from the past.  so i did.

and people noticed; as they always do.  my roommates said i looked more fit, so did my neighbors back home, and my coworkers, relatives, friends.  inside i was THRILLED.  YES! i thought to myself, it's working- finally!  people notice me, in a GOOD way!!  positive feedback.

so the fatty foods i was eating and ridding myself became more healthy foods- i now only eat egg whites, celery, carrots, non-sugary fruits, oatmeal, almonds, and protein shakes. 

and things have not changed.

i am still obsessed with working out.  i go every day for hours. 

i cannot look at myself in the mirror- and when i do i pinch the fat around my middle to see how much i have yet to lose.

i still get rid of food, no matter how healthy.  but it doesn't happen every time i eat.  i'll take even the smallest victory here.

my friendships, though i do have them, are tainted - torn by the ***** of jealousy.

i find a way to pick out a person's faults; even those on the street, those i don't even know, due to their physical appearance.

i've become, in a way, more introverted, probably because it seems like no one understands.

and through thinking about this all, i've come to realize that to regain my identity, i must choose happiness for myself.  it is so easy to be unhappy; to live this way, dealing with the negativitites in life by not letting myself enjoy the small moments because i am caught up in the big picture- the fleeting wish of perfection.  perfection that i will never achieve.  and i want to kick myself because i know that perfection doesn't exist.  yet i yearn for it...

but i can't seek true happiness right now, i lack the strength to do so, and tomorrow is too soon, and probably not next week either, but in time, i must learn to love myself for who i am, no wait, to first discover myself, then love her for who she is.  someday.

***

thank you.

 

returntoreality returntoreality 18-21, F 1 Response Feb 27, 2009

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There is no perfect being on Earth. Please try this..Make the moment for yourself by loving yourself the way you want to be loved. Then when Love happens it has a greater chance of lasting. Please do not go for something that does not feed your spirit, body, and mind in a healthy, sustainable way. This life is short and what our parents did not teach us is how to make the most of this life. By creating a strong, protective, and sustainable Self Love you can stop looking at and holding on to situations that cannot sustain your life efforts. You can get your life and control of that life back.<br />
<br />
It starts by learning to Love the Breath of Life & Love within you. It also means protecting the Temple ( your body) of your life and spirit because of that Love. <br />
Once you learn how to Love yourself from the inside out .. not the outside in nothing will ever again make you risk yourself for such a small or nothing return. Your new self Love will give you the safety, Love and Protection like no other enity on Earth can give you. This will put you in control of yourself, your life and your life situations. <br />
Hugs and Much Love, livingwell