My Life Could've Been So Different...thinking About It Kills Me Sometimes

When I was in high school I was a typical  teenager. I would date guys I would hang out with friends and do normal school activities until I met my now ex-boyfriend and my baby's dad.

soon after we got together my parents toldme we would be moving. My dad's job was relocating 2 hoursaway. It doesn't seem that far but for me it was devastatingI did not want to leave my boyfriend at that point in time hewas my life or so I thought.

At the age of 16 and after being together after only 6 months me and him decided that we loved each other and that we should have a baby so that
we could "stay together". Honestly thinking about it now I think to myself...what was I thinking?

Yes we cared for each other, we were inseperable but we were teenagers. It was lust it was puppy love it was a lot of things.In hindsight if we really  wanted to be with each other we would've gotten married or anything besides bringing a 3rd person into the mess
we called a relationship.

too make a long story short our son was conceived and I moved away our plan was to wait until I got more pregnant and then I would
have to live with him. Well it didn't happen

He said he would get a job and have a place for our family. but it never happened how could i have expected a 16 year old to do this??? Yeah i know While we were apart we would talk on the phone, I would go visit him and for a while things were ok. but 6 months into my pregnancy things changed.
we didnt talk at all maybe once a week. he would disappear he wouldn't be at his mom's house and we were just getting more and more distant.

Finally the weekend of my due date he stayed with me at my parents house.Well my son was born and he stayed for a couple of days but then it was  time for him to leave. It was heartbreaking but he agreed to come every weekend since he was still in school. And he did until my son was 2 months old. He broke up with me.

He called me, we were just making small talk and he says "you know me and you haven't been happy for a long I think we should go our seperate ways" and you know what I said...fine.

just like that hopes and dreams all crushed in a 2 minute conversation over the phone. for some time I did try to work things out and get together
 but by then he had been starting to be verbally abusive, he would not visit his son he stopped coming and calling and would rely on my conversations with his mom to keep updated. 

I tried to move on with my life. Honestly he did not want to be tied down. He wanted to do his own thing. what teenager wants to be at home with a gf and baby when he's young and has all the time in the world to do what he wants.

I am lucky to have had my parents friends and family for support without them i don't know where I would be.

To put the cherry on top my baby's dad was incarcerated. when I heard the news I was not surprised I hadn't heard from him for a month and a half. I told myself I had to be strong for myself and my son. He was in jail for 10 months...he got lucky he was supposed to do 3 years for burglary. Well while he was in jail he would write to me about how much he was sorry for leaving how much regret he had that he was gonna fix up his life and be there for his son. He wrote to me many things but I did not answer or go see him. My pride would not
let me. 

well my son is about to turn 2  in a couple of months and I just turned 19. My baby's dad got out of jail this week and he came to see his son. my son screamed in his arms and once he stopped crying he refused to look at the strangers face that was holding him. All I could see was a blank look on his face. we didn't speak to each other just hi and meaningless small talk.

I think sometimes how could I have done this to myself. I turned myself into a statistic. A single mom working a dead end job earning minimum wage, 
with only a high school diploma. I'm a pretty,intelligent girl. How could "love" have made me so blind

I mean I have a twin sister. she's in college she goes out, she dates.that could've been me.

I don't regret having my son...I can not imagine not having him he is my angel my light, now he is my everything. I live for him

some days I do still say
my life could've been so different

mayracrmn mayracrmn
1 Response Aug 16, 2010

Everything happens for a reason. Maybe your decision was blinded by love, but I believe there was a deeper reason for what you decided to do. Something you are unaware of. True your life could have been much different, but know that you are the envy of many people who have not been fortunate enough to feel the pure and unique love a parent feels for a child. <br />
Don't be afraid to step out of the statistic u say u are. You can tread where single moms are scared to step, and you can achieve your dreams especially since you are loved by someone so pure whose prayers are always heard.