Before You Read....i Know Already How Stupid These Thoughts Are

I really shouldn't wonder what if about him.
I regret everything that happened with him now too, I mean I met him offline. Made a huge mistake and slept with him the first night we met. That's probably my biggest regret with it all. Only upside is that the sex was pretty awesome. But I never wanted to put down my guard with anyone, but with him I did. I let myself care, cuddle, and be happy with him. We only saw one another two or three times. I was in a really messed up mental state of mind, worse than I am nowadays :P But he told me a few weeks after the first time we were together that he was falling in love with me. Which I wanted, I really liked him, and I wanted my fairytale.
Well after the last meeting, he randomly texted me saying he had to go to AZ for a dying family member and blah blah blah. I didn't hear from him in like a week, and I only heard from him then because I called. Sad thing is I wasn't worried it was a lie (which it all was) But I was wanting to check to see how he was, and how he was holding up. I hate myself for caring about him. He kept ignoring me more and more. and his phone would "lose signal" which I know was bull ****. Well i don't know, but pretty sure he just hung up, and texted saying he had lost signal instead of just calling me back . Well he kept ignoring and ignoring me, and the day after Christmas. I decided to ask if it was over and he was all what are you talking about love, and then something else was said, can't remember. But ignored again til Jan. 6 I believe it was, I got some random voicemail. Wasn't even him, it was his cousin. Saying that she didn't know me, but she was his cousin, and that he was engaged now and happy, and I needed to quit stalking him..... I have never felt that kind of pain with a guy before, I couldn't breath, felt like someone had ripped my heart out. It hurt to cry. The weeks that came were sucky too, I mean I began to get over it, but freaked out....thought I was pregnant. and then until I got checked, I thought he had given me an STD, luckily everything was negative, and I wasn't pregnant, but damn.

I hate him most days, but I seen that he was actually married a few years ago, and it makes me wonder from time to time what if....What if it would've kept going? What if I'd never met him? What if I wouldn't have slept with him the first night? I just wonder if there would have been anything to do to change any of it.
Greeneyedandcurious Greeneyedandcurious
26-30, F
Mar 29, 2012