I'm So Tired Of It.

I keep thinking of a guy I dated once. It's a long story. I liked him in 7th grade. It was a mild crush. I, being the shy quiet girl, never really talked to him and I remember well both times we sort of had a conversation. Apparently he had moved away and years later, when I was in 11th grade, I run into him and his friends. The same exact feelings came over me when I saw him. I was surprised he had even remembered me. We had our "dates". I don't even know if I should call them that now. We kissed, but not a whole lot. He'd ask me out. There were some rumors started by a "friend" of mine that he had said he only wanted me for sex. The girl who mentioned this to me wasn't a very good source. She was known for being a liar and really liked this guy. She didn't want me talking to him. To tell you the truth, the horny virgin in me didn't even care if it turned out to be a sexual relationship, but he never said so himself and I didn't want to feel used.

Sometimes he'd ignore my phone calls. I thought it was just typical teenage boy behavior. That it was a phase that all couples who are starting to date underwent (I only had one boyfriend before this and a few other boys who I'd kiss and flirt with but never really had anything with). Other times, he'd call me after what seemed like a whole month of not talking saying he had "found my number again". After some time, I deleted his number from my contacts and threw the paper it was written on away. After my mom decided to give me a new phone, he had lost all contact with me.

I didn't hear anything from him up until two years ago. He had added me on MySpace and decided to talk to me. I wasn't expecting it at all. I was in shock and surprised. From his profile I thought he had a girlfriend. I thought he just wanted to be friends. One day, when I was going to reply to one of his messages, I find out he deleted me. My friend recently told me that he told her it was me who deleted him. She told him I didn't delete him and his response was that his MySpace had gone all crazy... In order to deal with that, I deleted my entire MySpace account so he'd have no way of looking through my things or contacting me. I was just starting my relationship with my current boyfriend and I didn't want to ruin things either. Although, I have to admit, I did think about him a lot after that. The saddest part of it all is probably that I realized we had a lot of things in common that we never really got to talk about by reading his MySpace.

Well, his exbestfriend (they had a really bad argument) and my friend who went on double dates with us back in 11th grade got back together again recently. My friend was borrowing her boyfriend's cellphone and in it he found this guy's number. I did a half-assed gutsy thing and sent him a text. He called me three times that night and I was too nervous to answer his call. So, I turned off my phone. The next day he called me again. I sent him a text message saying it was me. He called right away. I told him I was afraid that he'd be mad that I called. His response was that he was glad I called him. He told me that if I ever wanted to hang out I could call him and he'd pick me up. He asked me to hang out and I told him I couldn't. The next day he had asked me to hang out again and I told him I couldn't for a whole different reason.

I do have a boyfriend, but I don't know his intentions. I didn't know if I should tell him "Yea, we could hang out as friends" if I didn't even know if he wanted to just hang out as friends in the first place... (I'm very insecure by the way) He stopped calling me. I called him three times once and he didn't pick up. He never called me back. He hasn't called since then. I don't know if it was because I had "made an excuse" to not go out with him (they were actually truthful and valid) or if that's just the way he is. He did do the same back in the day.

I still can't stop thinking about him. I don't want to be anything more than friends with him and I don't think he understands that his friendship was very valuable to me. Sometimes I just want to go ahead and call him but I have way too much pride to do so. A part of me thinks he is way too good for me to be his friend. I'm tired of thinking about him. I'm tired of thinking was our friendship could've been like. Or daydreaming about him calling me and us hanging out. As pathetic as it is, I do daydream about things like that. I daydream of us four, the whole group that used to hang out together when we were little naive teens, could hang out again. Relive some happy moments in my life. But I know for a fact that it wont happen.

LeZombie LeZombie
22-25, F
1 Response Feb 17, 2010

Thanks! I hope so, too.