For Most of My Life

For me, My feelings started when I was 4.  I felt uneasy about who I was and where I fit in with the rest of the world at that time.  All my friends were girls.  We would play with our dolls and make pretend we were glamorous movie stars.  I didn't understand why I couldn't wear dresses like they did.  Several times, I tried on my sisters clothes only to find that most didn't fit.  I was wearing hand me downs from several female cousins but they were just blouses and pants.  I guess my Mom just figured that it was OK to let me wear those clothes since I was always around girls at the time.

At 5, I was approached by a teenage boy that treated me like I was a girl.  He even had a female friend give me some clothes and taught me how to put on makeup.  He referred to me as his little girlfriend and I was head over heals in love with him.  I sometimes wore my panties an bra home without thinking anything was wrong till my sister caught me and told me that I was sick.  Lucky for me she never told my Mom and if she did my Mother never said anything to me about it.

At 6, my Mother found out that my "boyfriend" was sexually abusing me.  For him, he was told that he should look for girls his own age.  For me, the emotional confusion started.  The first thing she told me was that I needed to go to confession because having sex with a boy was a sin.  She scolded me daily for playing with my girl friends and that I needed to find boys to play with.  I don't ever remember her coming right out and say to me "You are male and not female".  She took away all my dolls, my diary, all my clothes that looked feminine and replaced them with things like trucks and guns. 

I did find boys in the neighborhood to hang around with but what she didn't know was that they had listened to my ex BF about how I was a little **** and loved having sex with boys. Until I was almost 10, the abuse continued with me being referred to as the slutty little girl.  Even their girlfriends treated me like I was one of girls.  I was their fat, ugly little step sister as one girl put it to me.  I finally figured out that the other girls kept me around so that they didn't have to do anything with their BF's that I couldn't take care of.  

At 10, I finally became so confused that I became a recluse.  I stopped playing with everyone in the neighborhood.  I started traveling around the city going to places like museums, art galleries and libraries.  That became my whole world.  I was so confused about who I was and wondered why God made such a horrible mistake.  I wanted to be fully female just like the other girls I knew.  I learned the physical and emotional differences between males and females.  I felt like I had been denied the chance to ever feel like a fully functioning female. 

At 12, I even started having mood swings and cramps every 28 days.  Talk about screwed up.  I had long hair, my breasts started to develop, I started losing weight in my tummy area and was down to what I perceived as a normal weight for a woman my age.  People even had problems distinguishing me from being either male or female.  I was called miss more often than anything.

At 15, I managed to convince my Mother that I needed to live with my Dad.  I felt that I needed to have a male influence around me to help sort out my feeling and emotions.  That was a mistake.  Instead of my Father, I got my Step Mother's influence.  I was taught how to do the laundry, fix meals for them and her boys.  I became the boys live in babysitter.  Then one day, while doing the laundry, I discovered that my Step Mother and I wore the same size clothes.  I started just wearing panties around the house then it progressed up to wearing bras, jeans and sometimes her blouses.  The boys became what I felt were my children.  I loved them like I was their Mother.  I would hold them when they were scared, kiss their boo-boos when they got hurt, worried about them when I wasn't there to take care of them.  The youngest one even slipped several times and called me Mom.  I started going out dressed in mostly woman's clothes.

I met a girl at school that accepted me for who I was.  We became as close as sisters.  She helped me to develop my own style of dress and makeup.  We talked for hours about boys, relationships and whatever else girls our age talked about.  I loved her like my sister.  It helped me see that I could be me.  I was a woman in my mind and acted like one.  That was until my Step Mother discovered that I was wearing her clothes.  All hell broke loose.  She told me that I was a pervert and that I wouldn't be allowed to be alone  with HER BOYS.  I was told that I must be really sick when I tried to tell her how I felt.  She would have had me committed if she found out that I was introduced to a boy that liked me and we were dating.  I was packed up and sent back to my Mothers house on the condition that I never reveal what had happened.  I agreed to the conditions and to this day my Mother thinks I was sent back because they could control me and that I was a little too wild for them.

I lost my sister, my boyfriend, My children and my sense of who I was all in a one week period.

I started doing the macho stuff for the next six years.  I hated myself for betraying myself but felt it was necessary.  I raced cars, motorcycles, sky dived (broke my leg doing it), learned to shoot and even tried hunting till I broke down one day after killing a doe.  I hated my life as a man and wanted so much to be a woman. 

I was 20 when the chance to dress as a woman presented itself.  I did it secretly for almost 4 months when my roommate finally told me that he wished I was his woman.  I was stunned to say the least.  He explained that he found my stash of clothes and had seen me several times in my panties.  When I broke down and cried he held me.  We lived together for almost 2 years where he treated me as his wife.

To some up my life after he moved away, I started finding that I was more of a total person with traits of both male and female.  Today I am who I am.

Sorry about blabbering on, it just started pouring out of me.


deleted deleted
3 Responses Jun 1, 2008

Do you want to become a transexual. or remain a male and dress like a female?

Sounds like you have had a rough like. You are a strong person to have gone through what you have. Thx for sharing; believe me that there are alot of us who can relate (even though we may not have gone through as much trauma.)

Thank you,Patty, for an emotional insight into your life!<br />
So glad you have found YOU!!...Girl!