Fake Doms, Fidelity And Fuckery

Ladies and gentlemen,

My dilemma: I despise drama. Oh, how I despise it. I like EP. Therefore, what does one do when the two inevitably meet? Oh yes, compose a diatribe on the subject. Fortunately, I am a great fan of diatribes, and will eagerly grab my quill in anticipation when I feel words start to leap from my soul and seek parchment.

I abhor dishonesty and fake personas; as such, I wanted to address this issue as a whole. I am by no means anything close to a subject matter expert. I am in fact the opposite; a newcomer to the D/s community and EP both. However, one thing I’ve noticed is how easy it is online to act as though you are something you are not, to get what you want. I’m looking at YOU, fake EP Doms.  You who will  potentially only hurt my sweet EP friends.  I know of you personally.

May I humbly make a suggestion to both Doms and subs based on some observations as of late to help avoid any potential misunderstandings:

DISCUSS YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF FIDELITY

Beware of the “Dom” who has implied fidelity when in fact that is not the case. The BDSM community in particular has room for all types of relationships and partnerships. Everyone is entitled to seek out a situation that makes them happy. However, this happiness should not come at the expense of someone’s heart simply to get your rocks off. This is referred to as a player, my friends. (In truth, I can think of several other words, but I do not feel like spending time in EP jail.) A true Dom would never do this.

Doms/Dommes: If when you close your eyes your paradise involves a harem, I extend my best wishes. I wish you health, happiness and multiple combinations of blissful sex. I hope your couplings involve the most volcanic of *******. Please…. just be upfront about this to your subs. Trust is such a cornerstone to any relationship but in particular within a D/s bond.

Subs: Being a submissive does not mean being a doormat. Take responsibility for who you give the gift of your submission to. TALK to your potential Dom! Why, oh why, would you not do this? Fidelity would be one of the first things I would personally request and offer. If that feeling was not reciprocated, so be it; we wouldn’t be a match. If you don’t discuss what it is you need regarding fidelity, you have no room to complain when/if a “misunderstanding” occurs.

Thank you for reading this; my soul once again feels cleansed, refreshed and back to its angelic self ;-)

Until next time…
RedRubies RedRubies
36-40, F
40 Responses Aug 2, 2011

Agreed. Very well said. :)

Thank you kindly Aktor :)

Most certainly. I could've easily given the same advice to people (and may well have). :)

Redrubies You truly understand!

Aww.. thanks adarkhunter! That is kind of you

Always excellent advice - communication in any relationship is key!

Thank you kindly Ambrose :)

My pleasure Rubes!

hey ruby - -i think that north corean gentleman . that fat kid with the A bombs made a video about that very thing and put it on the corean internet about a kid dreamin about his sleep and having the north coreans blowin up the new york city . and he made mickel jackson sing . it was about just that . what youse were sayin . .nukeular missles piecing flesh .. and also . .frank zappa had an album called 'wesells rip my flesh' but i dont think they knew each other .. dunno they could have cause frank zappa and the northcorean fat kid with the A boms and mikel jackson are all pretty famous .. so they coul dhave nown each tother .. so . im just sayin .

Sometimes it's not good to make videos about A bombs....some people take that sort of thing really seriously. Not me. I write children's stories about it...oh and I think Michael Jackson liked children too. Just saying...

i think a lotta the same things that the other people do think about and other things not so much ... i read all of the idears that you were saying ... i am a woman .. ..

no .. not really ... but i want to go see a sub .. [and not the sandwhich -- cause ya know there are more than one kind of sub-- just like there are more than one kinda peoples in the worlds .././ i mean the under water kind of sub ...that have nuclear missles the piecre the flesh ... ]

Your words are wise. I think maybe... just maybe.. I should write a story on nuclear missiles piercing flesh.... It can be a children's bed time story...

ok .. i red your good idears and i have to tell you -- i am a fake dame .. i am not a girl at all .. i just like to where pretty things and sometimes .. well .. i get a little excited. your writing is really really good and it helps a lot of people be able to tell other people who are real about how they are not so real .. so i want to tell you that i am one of those fake dames that you talk about .. but .. well . .maybe i am real by saying that what i am saying is not always true ... yeah .. thats what i really feel .. that i am genuine in saying that i am sometomes not real and that i have a penis ..

It's ok, I promise. You aren't the only guy who isn't sure he has a penis!

I agree with you completly hun!
I have experienced this as have one of my pets and my sissy,
but it is hard to be a dom at times, the hardest I find is what to do with my pets and sissy and to make sure that they aren't just lazeing about and aren't getting into trouble, as then there is need for punsihment depending on the severity of the cime of course!
but anyway, I agree with you, there are alot of fake doms out there not only on the internet tho!

Mistress K

Thank you Mistress, your words are most appreciated. I think you are wise to keep your sub out of trouble!

Oh yes, the fake Doms abound on and off the internet... it makes me weep ;-)

It is very hard to be a Domme/Dom... I think the work you do is often very much underestimated. Cheers to you!

Thank you for replying to me, and taking the time to read my comment. I think with punishments it's finding the correct punishment to suit the crime and to ensure that they will learn from it! either it be to cause them some physical pain or frightening them which I think is a sad but slightly fun time for me personally to have to refer to such methods.... the last thing you want is your sub to be throwing out bullshit about how they are sorry, when you know that they don't mean it and havn't learned anything....sorry if I am now throwing out bullshit...

You are welcome :) It's very true... finding the correct punishment is key... particularly if you do NOT want it to happen again. It sounds like you were quite effective recently!

:) yes but my pet knows the rules and the consiquiences that occure with her behavour you should read her stories of punishments and on mine of what she believes it is to be a pet and my sissy's story too on my page

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Right on! Tell it like it is, sister.

Much appreciated, my friend *tips hat*

The more I have read of your words Ruby the more I am just without words. I think you struck a nerve with your approach on Dom's especially as I believe I know where the direction those words were fired at ... but I have to refrain from anything more.

The story was inspired primarily by a Dom (no longer on EP) who had a sub friend of mine ready to book a plane trip to visit him. She (no longer on EP either) was very sweet but she found out he had other subs and had been emailing others in a "Dom like" fashion, including me. Fortunately, she found out about the others before she flew down. It was really sad :( If he had just been upfront about wanting to be poly, I'm sure he could have found the right people.

He probably didn't even think poly. He was just looking to hook up with the first person who would come to see him. :( I'm glad you and your friend discovered who he really was before going to see him.

There are some so called Doms who believe they should know everything about a sub but aren't willing to reciprocate in return. In a "what the sub doesn't know won't hurt them" sorta thing. :(

Actually.... I agree 100%. I don't think he was even after a poly situation. I think it was exactly as you stated: "what the sub doesn't know won't hurt them." I always wonder how "Doms" think they will get away with that, lol.... subs are pretty darn intuitive and they are bound to get caught!

Because in the mindset of a so called dom like that a sub is just a pet to be played with for as long as he wants to or until he gets board. He has no creativity and knows he has to cycle through submissives before they catch on that he really doesn't know what he is doing. Everyone can learn a few tricks to get them noticed. Beyond that they have no desire to learn anything else that might keep a submissive interested.

I don't wanna sound like a cry baby but its damn hard work being a real Dom. :)

Yes. The "Doms" you refer to want to get off quickly and think they have found a way to do so. Sadly they do damage during that time.

You have no idea how many times I have said I appreciate how much work it is to be a Dom/Domme. Ahhh, you are an unappreciated lot!

Yep.. those doms tend not to be givers in bed either from what I've heard. I don't think they know how much damn fun bed and not in bed can be with a submissive woman. I would like to have my submissive naked and play with her for a long time then hope in bed for continued play. As opposed to quickly getting off and then sleeping. What fun is that. lol

The hardest part for me is making sure what ever I have planned during play is safe. For not only her but me as well. I do love aftercare tho.

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Your Welcome. I have been there before and it can hurt a submissive, sometimes greatly and forever.

I agree with you wholeheartedly. XO

Its a shame honesty is so hard to find......while deceit is everywhere. :( Submissives by nature tend to desire to believe.
There are far to many smooth talking "Doms", players out there. Ones who dont think twice about preying on the new sub or curious who desire to know more.
We should offer a helping hand to those with questions and be honest with our answers,even if its not what they want to hear.

I so agree sensualilone. There are many smooth talking "Doms" that take advantage of a subs' often trusting nature :( It really is low for a Dom/Domme to take advantage of this dynamic. It is good for people who relate to help out and give honest and realistic answers. A D/s relationship is not magically "better" or "easier" than a vanilla one, but it has the potential to do a lot of damage when one person isn't honest about their intentions. Thank you for your comment.

I CONCURE

Thank you, kind sir ;-)

I can't believe I just saw this now. Very insightful writing. I hope that a lot of people on EP who are either in or looking to get into the BDSM lifestyle look at this before jumping into something with someone they don't know anything about.

Thank you for the kind compliment, Satalite :-) If even one person was more cautious after reading this, I'd be very happy.

I will point anyone I run across to this. :)

Awww.... that is so nice; I am glad you found it even a little bit helpful!

As always, an inteligent coment. Sure would help if the people who needed it would read it. Unfortunately most are too busy chasing dreams to stop ahd listen to reality. Alas these dreams will not be the only thing that is broken. This is just not the site to find stable companions for these relationships. There should be a site that checks people out first, then follows up with some type of questionaire to help new comers and to see they are actually getting into what is expected. It would laso have some education for newcomers to know what to expect. But as always, it takes work and effort to help people. Then to get the new people to where the screening would somewhat protect them would probably fail as too many places would not allow the lifestyle to me promoted in this manner.

Thank you Demorcan. Ah, ideally it would be nice to have a site to check people out, wouldn't it? I agree, people need to slow down; if you rush into play or into finding an overly romanticized relationship dynamic, you will be disappointed and miss out on a lot.

Well said! Everyone could do with being honest. Shame they havent got the guts

Thank you :) Yes, people find a much better match if they are just upfront about what they are looking for!

Agreed for certain, Gentlemanbynature

A great read RR. I'm new to this, as you know, and have encountered many many issues and wannabe Doms. It wasn't until I ran into SirS, Sierra and yourself that I found truth that made perfect sense. Thank you for sharing.

I'm so glad it was even a little helpful, thanks DeeLisa :-) It's really tricky, especially online.... and some "Doms" are really persuasive. I'm happy you feel more comfortable now, that is great.

Thats so true what you said rubie i also hate fakes and lairs why does people do that?!!:-/

Thats so true what you said ruby i also hate fakes and lairs why does people do that?!!:-/

I was told by a Mistress one time that you look a submissive as a blossom .....you give it sunshine ( take time to learn about the submissive ) , you give it water ( you care for them ) and you feed it ( you shair your knowlage ) and that blossom will turn into a flower and then you can enjoy it .......now if frost ever reaches that blossom ( fake Doms ) that blossom is damaged , some fight back and live but most will die and fade away.

I really like this description! It's very true... subs need to be so careful...fakes and damage are a plenty!

Ok time for my 2 cents worth .....up to maybe 7or 8 years ago the world ( BDSM) was great , then as popularity grow ( internet ) it became a breeding ground . The strong seeking out the weak ( fake doms seeking out the oh so willing submissives ) and It just became to easy for someone that had a quick tongue.<br />
Now over the last year or so people have started taking their time and educating themselves and others and the tide has begone to turn ......and Its people like you guys <br />
At one time there was a submissive safe house on here , but I think it has died away ......just saying ...hint hint . <br />
<br />
And one last thing ....the earlier comment about becomming a submissive first ... ..well its 100% true . Always ask a new Dom about self control because if they cant master that why In the Hell would you want then to Master another human.<br />
<br />
<br />
ruby blowing off a little steam ....I feel your pain ....it give the real lifestylers a bad rap

I agree with all of this. I can't speak for what it was like 7 or 8 years ago, but there are lots of fakes on both sides; the internet brings that out in spades. YES YES YES to your point about Doms needing to have self control before they can lead/master anyone else. There is no way I'd submit or trust someone who didn't have their basic **** together. Why would I? Nobody should. I can mess up on my own ;-)

well bdsm should be kept separate from the vanilla life to a point but right out intrapment is wrong

I think a lot of damage can be done if the Dom doesn't know what he is doing or can't lead in his own life. It's a big responsibility to lead someone.

you are sooooo right .....if they mess with the submissives mind to bad ....they are done with everything ....and like I said it gives everybody a bad a name

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You are a very insightful woman.It's nice to see someone with so much integrity.Great writing!

awww thank you :)

Oh, and learning/practicing submission is empowering. Submission Training taught me self-discipline.

Being a sub from time to time makes you a better Dom.

You wrote this quite a long time ago, and yet, I can't help but feel like it was written directly TO me... and not necessarily about BDSM...<br />
<br />
Fidelity and LIFE... it could be titled... So many fakers in search of meaning, so many lost in search of being found. I do love your diatribe, my sweet jeweled friend... alas, I just noticed that I neglected to re-add you once the big D started. Mind if I add you now??? I had deleted my entire circle in the interest of keeping my ep friends safe from the trolling ex... now, it would seem all are safe.

Thanks for your words TIE. I'd be delighted to add you. I am always glad when a diatribe of mine resonates ;-)

Your "story" is very intelligent and impressive and have sex with you must be awesome and inventive. Unfortunately I am a foreigner, so my English is not very good, but I understand you, I hope. Your thoughts are very interesting, and thanks for them...

I understand very well, thank you for your comment :)

how trueof a lot on here I hate them and I only put pictures of myself on here and tell true ta;es its much better that way because lots of people will think how did he / she have the nerve<br />
Cindy xxxx

I have an ex girlfriend and we always wanted to film a bondage scene..... I know watching the stuff is hot.... I think acting it out would be awesome.... for as much bdsm as I've watched you would think I'd of tried it.... I must say I am still ever so curious.... *cheers* to new experiences. <3

i so agree with everything you said here. i have found some men who claim to be Doms, are just abusers in disguise. if asked about punisments, you can usually tell the difference. i am a sub with a fabulous Dom, who loves and respects me, and would never hurt me, well unless i asked him to. lol!

Hi hotandcuddly! Your Dom suggested I add you and I was happy to do so. I love that you found such a great match! I know, lots of men just enjoy the abuse and have no idea what being a Dom is.

You hate drama? WTF? Will I be forced to watch Love in a Cold Climate in my office with the door locked?<br />
<br />
In a world where we have only paragons of virtue in office, where we know we can leave our children safe in the hands of the local Catholic priest, where businesses and their leaders make sure all products are safe, our water sparkling clear and the air fresh and clean, to think there are any people out there afraid to tell the truth about themselves just boggles the mind.<br />
<br />
Why christians preach love for all, well most all except of those sick twisted perverted abominations.<br />
<br />
I mean I lie. I admit it. I say I am a sadist, but really I only get excited when I am whipping a masochist. If I were a Real Sadist, I would be just as nice as could be to a masochist.<br />
<br />
I personally think any Dom who is coming at a relationship in a covert manner, claiming he will be faithful when he is already married, has an uptight, Church going Baptist wife with dusty cobwebs between her legs and perhaps a sub on the side, well that man is likely a masochist. He wants to fail, crash, burn and suffer.<br />
<br />
That he is not worried about the other person suffering? Well, he has been told it is a "dog eat dog world" and "every man for himself". His bruised ego, bruised testicles and his battered self-esteem are his ready proof. He feels lied to and feels the only way to succeed is to lie himself.<br />
<br />
Of course I dream of a harem. But I am a man who has had so many lovers the number borders on disgusting, well OK I left that border way behind me, I am well into obscene. I know in order to keep this harem happy I will need at least a dozen men per love slave to keep them anywhere near sexually satisfied.<br />
<br />
I mean ****! Starbucks promised me better coffee! They promised me a great cup of coffee! That does not happen in a 5 gallon urn! I have to stay at home and roast my own beans.<br />
<br />
We live in a world whose underlying paradigm is Not Enough.<br />
<br />
Just look around and show me a place where anyone talks about abundance except when mentioning strife, war or problems.<br />
<br />
Do you women bring your friends to your lover? OMG she might steal him. He might give away some of that love to someone else! She will clearly be MORE and I am. Her **** are bigger, smaller, firmer better! Do I look fat in these pants?<br />
<br />
Could you imagine finding a new restaurant or a cake shop-bakery and telling your best friend about it then saying "AND stay away from there! IT IS MINE!!!!"<br />
<br />
Are you imagining this is the last erection he will ever have? Do you imagine when he holds HER in his arms he will know what a poor specimen of a woman-lover-love goddess you are?<br />
<br />
And men with the I want a VIRGIN! <br />
<br />
Do you want a doctor who has never studied medicine?<br />
A driver who has never seen a car before?<br />
A pilot who has never been in a plane?<br />
<br />
I have helped men with small dicks find men with big dicks for their wives. 90% of the time, the wife only loves her husband more.<br />
<br />
When my wife brought her best friend to me because she was throwing up 24/7, I saw her friend as an extension of my wife.<br />
<br />
Are you going to lie to me?<br />
of course you are.<br />
You are going to send me the best photo, tell me the cutest stories and you will be the princess of my dreams in them.<br />
<br />
If you think I am going to tell you you look fat in those pants, you are out of your ******* mind.<br />
<br />
besides<br />
<br />
what the **** are you doing wearing pants at all. Unless we are going into the brush, rule is no pants no panties, but I digress.<br />
<br />
I am still going to tell you everything will be all right, even when the ground is coming at us at 600 miles an hour, even when I do not have a clue.<br />
<br />
Folks we all lie. Some lie bigger than others. Heartbreak?<br />
<br />
That's what makes those moments with that person when you have that rush of love, that wave after wave of "I finally found the perfect one" feel so good.<br />
So what that you deluded yourself and probably told a few lies to get there and then both of you decided they really wanted the chicken and not the fish.<br />
<br />
Jaded? Me.<br />
Yes I absolutely am, and I am still that eternally optimistic, hopelessly romantic guy dreaming of the day when the love of my life comes home and says, "honey, This is my friend. She told me she needs a nice whipping and rough throat *******. You wouldn't mind helping her out would you? Oh and dear she doesn't have a place to stay and I told her she could stay with us. You don't mind do you?"<br />
<br />
So??? Where the **** are you? land crab bite your typing finger?

Wow... this is certainly... interesting ;-) I certainly hate drama. I won't tolerate it, life is too short. You most definitely have a creative mind!

Hi Dragon! So this is where you've been hiding!

With comments bordering on 700! Short, terse, cryptic, zen like statements. I am hiding like politicians tell the truth!

The head, the hearts or the genitals?

So the question is Red, where DOES fidelity lie?

Hmm, that would be a question for each couple to answer for themselves. My personal opinion would be relevant only to me and my partner.

It has all been so eloquently said already, however, I thought I'd congratulate you all, especially you Ruby, for such a balanced discourse. Without even knowing it was a "lifestyle" I found myself reaping the benefits of an honest D/s relationship. <br />
<br />
No woman, especially my own beloved, is a doormat.

I LOVE this. The fact that you didn't know of D/s as a "lifestyle" tells me it really is for you naturally. Your lady is lucky :)

This applies to all persuasions. Thank you for addressing this issue. I think what people need to decide to help them determine if it is appropriate for them is: Are you looking for a pastime? or Are you looking for the lifestyle? Those questions alone should help you determine what questions to ask. And, PLEASE, ask a lot of questions so nobody gets hurt!<br />
<br />
Thanks for bringing this up RedRubies

Yes and yes! Thanks Itswindy, I appeciate your view

Ruby, there are a LOT of great Dom's in here. I have met a few that I admire and totally respect.... What you said... you said sooooo well!! But you ALWAYS do!! I love it when I find a person who has a strong opinion and a cranking good way of expressing it. *hugs* for sharing those words with all of us!! :)

Yes! 99.9% of the Doms I've met here are fantastic too. It's just that smmmmalllllll amounnnntttt I'm referring to. As always, you are too kind Sierra. I'm just glad you could stumble through my rant ;-)

Nothing to add to this. I just want to say very well put. Your way with words, Rubies, is excellent.

You are too kind. My word vomit just spills out sometimes... I claim no responsibility ;-)

Wow, Ruby, once more you.... TOTALLY ROCKED IT!! I have seen a lot of these sort of dealings and even said a few words about it myself. A REAL Dom....has character, respect and values complete honesty with a sub....AWESOME post!!

Oh, how I DO love you Sierra.... lolol you are so great, thank you. I'm glad you could spot the bad ones when you saw them, I know some girls can't / won't and it's too bad so I just had to say something :( Most Doms I've met here are great though, and encompass all the excellent traits you noted!

I agree with you .. completely .. there are too many fake people out there .. not only on EP .. but in real life too .. everybody hides .. pretends .. puts on a mask ..wants to be or project that they are better in some way to what they are ..watch observe delve see and being critical ... applies everywhere ..and all the time.

Agree with every word you said DarkDomDaddy. Every word!

All great points worthy of consideration and repetition.

Thanks Bakkhos42... nice to see someone from the other side feel the same :)

I think in any relationship, it is important to know what exactly is expect of you, before you dive in. Kudos for having the courage to say what needs to be said.

Thank you! Yes, might as well have that conversation so it's on the table and each person agrees :)

ah yes, it is 'buyer beware' . This adage applies here just as it does everywhere else!<br />
<br />
Nicely said Ruby!

Thank you my sweet friend. Yes, I hadn't thought of it that way!