Bad Mother ComplexI'm the proud mother of a beautiful 2-year-old boy. And I have another one on the way.
Yes, being a mom has changed my life completely. It's no longer about doing things for myself, but taking care of my son's needs. I know I'm not a perfect mom. But I also don't think I'm horrible.
I work full time on the night shift. In the morning-early afternoon while I sleep, I arrange for my son to be babysat. In the evenings and my days off, it's all about spending time with him. I do my best to tend to his needs and see to it that he's happy. I've also tried to teach him good manners from an early age. At 1 year old, he was saying "please" and "thank you", "I'm sorry" when accidentally hurting someone, and "excuse me" after burping. I also attend church and church events as much as possible, and have been trying to live for God.
I notice things gets easier as my son gets older. Still it's very rare that I sit down and watch a television program or curl up and read a book. At the end of the day I'm usually exhausted and go to bed the same time as him. I'm not complaining though. It's all worthwhile.
What bothers me though, is my husband constantly implies that I'm a bad mother. Deep down, I know it isn't true. But hearing it enough does make me doubt myself. I'm not "perfect", but I think I'm doing well considering what is on my plate. On top of working full time, taking care of my son, and going through the emotional and physical challenges of being pregnant, I'm emotionally and verbally abused. I break down crying sometimes, and become so depressed I don't know how I'll make it. But I think anyone would in my situation. To find out you're pregnant and have your husband tell you he doesn't want the baby with you, and that he isn't sure he loves you... that can cause emotional turmoil for sure.
And yesterday my husband was talking about what a good mother his ex-girlfriend was. That really made me feel worthless. She was an alcoholic (ended up in an involuntary rehab program and lost custody of her kids), didn't work, and dated my husband even though she was married to his brother. But she's a better mother than me.