Difficulties of Parenting

I'm a mother to a wonderful, beautiful 14 month old boy, whom I love more than I can ever express in words.  He is my everything and I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to be a mother in the first place. Yet I can't get over how difficult it is to always be a good parent. 



Before I became a parent I was a school teacher and I knew how wonderful it was to be part of a childs life and I assumed I also knew its difficulties.  Being in the position where I was always in contact with different children and their parents, it gave me the opportunity to evaluate different parenting styles and I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do when I became a parent.  It was so easy to cast judgment on the parent who seemed to have lost control over their child and looked helplessly in your eyes for help.  I knew then that I didn't want to be that parent.  There was also the perfect mom, who was super organized and super hyper about everything her child did and didn't do and whas just a super conrol freak.  I knew that wasn't me either.  So I admired the moms who seemed to have this perfect balance of having the respect of their child but also having this loving, open, fun relationship with their child. 



Here I am now, with 14 months of parenting under my belt, yet I feel so hopless at times like its the first day home from the hospital all over again.  Rght when I'm getting the hang of things and trying to find a balance between my childs personality and my own expectations he goes and changes on me and I have to start all over again discovering him while trying to hold on to my beliefs and certain standards.  I always feel at conflict and I really don't know what to do about it.  I want to be friendly and loving with my child but I also want him to respect me and acknolege me as some sort of authority.  I want my child to be healthy and eat all the nurtritious organic foods yet I also want him to be a child and eat candy and ice cream and all the things you don't get to eat once you're an adult and realize their nutritional values.  I want him to be adventurous and take risks but I'm deathly afraid of having him get hurt. 



So while all these thoughts are swimming in my head at all times of day my boy is being a rambuctious little rascal who isn't afraid to test his limits and my own at every turn of discovering this new world around him.  If i'm patient enough, in his own little way, my son shows me exactly what he needs. Now to work on being patient...