Mr. Nice Guy

I remember a few months ago I was complaining about how much I was fed up of being the nice guy to everyone, with the occasional feeling of being used or being taken for granted, and I had somehow convinced myself to push away whoever caused me some sort of pain and hurt.

But recently I have realized that it's sort of a blessing to be nice, because it's nice people that change the world bit by bit. Like Gandhi once said "You must be the change you want to see in the world".

I really came to this conclusion when an old flame of mine contacted me to express her sympathy of my father's passing, and we started chatting off and on to catch up on old times. After a few weeks of this on and off chatting she ended up getting pregnant by her abusive ex-boyfriend whom she had just recently broken up with; now she is one of the people who I had distanced myself from because of the heartache that I went through being with her.

Upon seeing the distress, panic, and stress that she was going through, the natural thing to me was to console her and just help her come to terms with what is going on so she has a clear mind to prepare for things. Later that night I wondered to myself, "why am I helping her with all of this when she caused me so much pain? Would other guys do the same? Will I get taken for granted again?" But the truth of it all is that, in times like this when someone feels like they've hit rock bottom and they can't think right because of what's going on, if there isn't that someone who you can turn to with a shoulder to cry on, then all is lost. I really don't care if other guys would do the same, or if I will be taken for granted, but instead I see someone who needs help and I gladly take that role regardless of the outcome because it's just the right thing to do and no matter what happens in the long run, knowing that I did the right thing is most important.
rajiv123 rajiv123
22-25, M
73 Responses Jun 16, 2011

I have been in your spot many times. I help any one and every one I can. I have been taken for grande by many of them.
How can you not help tho? For example if a man on the street asked you for money to get a meal. You may know that he's going to use it for a beer, drugs what ever but how would you feel if he truly is hungery and you said no ?
Even the people that use you today may down the road see that you really changed there life.
Keep doing what your doing and I'm sure it will pay off in the end

that is the niciest thing i ever read!

I admire you, never change. :) You'll one day find that special one for you if you have not yet found her. Best wishes to you. ;)

It's important to be nice, very true, what you give you will get back 10 times they say. But there are limits.<br />
What do you do with a stepdaughter who is full of lies, being helped financial many times, tears up your car, gave her kids away to us so we can take care of them and then claims her kids on her taxes instead of letting us file them and makes a dispute against our filing (so it's on hold now) and still asks for more money, cusses her mom out, tells her we're not able to raise her kids, tells everybody we didn't help her, we offered her to stay with us but then she ran away, leaving her children behind, all that to be with a 19yr old bf (she's 27).?<br />
No respect at all, no thanks and all she thinks about is herself.

Words Are Not Deeds And May Create A False Impression.Everyone Knows A Nice Talk And Think They Are Kind, We Can Not Judge Ourself Because Our Eyes May Be Lying.<br />
Believers, All Religions And Sects Are So Many.....They All Think They Are Good And Kind,But The World Is Still Not A Nice Place To Live. Why ?<br />
But I Still Believe There Are Enough Good People That The World Survives.<br />
The Most Important Word In All The Nation's Is Love.From Such A Feeling Comes Everything Else.<br />
Being Kind Is A Very Healthy.

I believe we are in this world to give love and Kindness. Sometimes its tough to be gentle and kind.<br />
I read once that forgiveness is the highest form of love.<br />
You my friend just graduated to the next highest level of emotional intelligence and existence.

Mr. Nice Guy,Sometimes Called A Fool.<br />
But I Think To Be Mr. Nice Guy Means To Be Happy.<br />
It Does Not Matter If I'm A Fool,I Want To Be Happy.<br />
Kindness Is Contagious....Let Us Start From.

Ok, Let's get something stright: You distance yourself from people for a reason. In most cases they are not healthy for you to be around. In some cases they are dangerous (not intentionally). Think about if you had a healthy normal family of your own which you probably don't because you are involved with losers: would you want your kids and spouse exposed to this kind of drama and example ? What happens when her unstable loser boyfriend goes off the deep end and comes after you ? <br />
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In any case even if the above is not true you are enabling the trend of their irresposible lifestyle by making it easier to cope with their bad descisions.

wish i can be like you. i'm being nice to people who never appreciate it. but, i dont care. as long as i'm happy. ^____^

That is so great rajiv :) This shows what a truly big heart you have that you could help and console her. You have put your hurt aside and it sounds like you have forgiven her. I'm sure she is sorry for hurting you too. You can see karma at work here in a way. I do believe any blessings of kindness you bestow on any person some back to your heart to give you joy. I believe in the laws of the universe. I love your kind, peaceful, giving wonderful personality. I'm blessed to have you as my friend too :)

you ***..... enjoy being the beta boy girls unload their emotional baggage onto whilst she unloads her sexual frustration onto the alpha. You know it's true!

some people just see and do things differently, thanks for the comment though

just do what you think is right...that is all

I can identify myself with you, there was a time in which I started questioning my acts of kindness for the same reasons as yours. Then I realized that changing or trying to change would make miserable, i realized that I love being that way, i love seeing people happy and if I can help them be happier then I'll be happier too. One thing that you always have to remember is that u can NEVER EVER PLAY THE ROLE OF THE VICTIM. If you think of yourself as a victim, you will never get out of your self-pity, for example, if you help someone it's because you chose to, you cannot expect for the other person to return it and if they dont appreciate it, well, next time you'll think twice about doing it, but you if you chose to help them again and u get dissapointed once more it's not the other person's fault, as they say "fool me once, shame on you , fool me twice, shame on me". Take care and be happy!

Your a f$&@$In *****! People like her need to learn the HARD way. It's idiots like YOU that stop and retard these peoples personal growth. Yeah she hit rock bottom, doest mean she'll kill herself. She will be just very sad miserable and depressed. This is GOOD thing because it forces her to think how she got there. But you being there is distracting her from staying on the dirt bottom where she needs to learn. Your a CUSHON that she shouldn't have. She should hit rock bottom HARD, and it should HURT. Your depriving her of that. It's because of ******* like you that Ppl like her can keep making the same mistakes over and over, and other Ppl ask "how could she have not learned from all the stuff she's been through?". What your doing is emotional welfare. People on welfare never hit rock bottom so they don't fight to get out. They become complacent, they don't grow. Good job *******!

I see what you're saying, and I agree with you to an extent...yes I'd leave someone to their mistakes if it were something like getting drunk and crashing their car, or some dumb stuff like that but in this specific case I disagree with you.....thanks for commenting though

Did you get your **** sucked anyway whilst she was pregnant with her baby daddy's baby?. You deserve it more than the other guy.

It is good to do good things just because you want to. While there are so many ignorant people who take you for granted, there will be others who can see how different you are and will appreciate you. I hope there are more guys like you in the world.

thanks, I really appreciate it!

I think it is great to be nice to someone who is down. We all need to lean on someone sometimes. I have been in need at times and my friends have been there for me. However, they know that I will be there for them if they are having a rough time. You need to ask yourself if this person will just use you and then abandon your friendship. There can be a fine line between being helpful and being a doormat. Of course, some are fine with being doormats.

i feel your pain im the same way an sounds something like what im going through just no babys invalved we got back together for alittle while an al it did for me was to make me fall in love with her again but she dont want that she just wants to be friends i just cant do that an cant deal with seeing her an not be able to show my love for her so what do i do walk away or stay friends with her ?

I'd say to put it all out on the table, I was in that position once too and keeping all my feelings bottled up really tore me up inside. Luckily we were able to talk everything through and then we settled on being friends, she's dating another guy now but I have come to respect her decisions and be happy for her. I did have to distance myself from her after we had the discussion though, it wasn't easy but better for me in the long also helped us just be friends.

I hope that you're able to figure things out between you and the girl you like, I know how much of a burden it can be emotionally.

yes be ther for her your a nice guy but dont fall in love with her its to painfull been ther

Sometimes distancing ourselves for a while to give ourselves time to heal is a good thing. It may be tough to go back and help someone who hurt us, but it is a blessing to do so. Being good to someone is always good. Sometimes they don't appreciate it, but somewhere down the road, it will have an effect on them.

Very Touching and nice to know that there are still people in the world to give themselves to others.<br />
In this world there are Takers & Givers and it's obvious which one you are.<br />
My belief is to do what is right and what you believe in your heart so that you can walk with your head held high knowing you have done the right thing.<br />
Also Karma...what goes around comes around....and that certainly is true.<br />
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One more point...Do you find that when YOU need help & friends around doesn't happen?

yes I have realized that, but strangely enough I'm not the kind of guy that asks for help...I try to figure things out on my own, I know it's not healthy but I am working on becoming more transparent to people

Thank you! I've read all of these comments and have come to realize that there are people who have abandoned being nice because of the hurt that comes with being taken for granted. I too know how that feels but I just can't take the uncomfortable feeling I get when I know that I didn't help when I could.

Hey mr. nice guy, you know smeone once told me, " everyone is born to be a blessing to someone", so luckily, u were born to be a blessing to everyone, good for you. So be yourself and you'll be happy


I believe that you are probably one of the most well rounded young men in your age group. I have seen the pain people cause each other, especially when one has been hurt by the other. The fact that you can rise above shows you are caring and compassionate, and someday someone will come along who appreciates all that you are. Never settle for less.

Thank you

I have gone thru the samethings. Sometimes you feel really used and taken for granted.<br />
But I guess it makes you feel better about yourself in the long run. And holding a grude will hurt you.

Best bunch of posts I have read yet. It sound as tho everybody has their eyes wide open and the advice or comments are well thot out. Good job to all of you. Keep up the good thinking....

I couldn't agree more!

Most in your situation would not help her, they will think only of number one. Life for them is all about I. I can't help but think of this verse.<br />
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Mt 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;<br />
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Many would have thrown that woman under the bus, you didn't, hopefully this good deed will help her understand the path she has taken is the wrong one and lead her to the right path.<br />
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I might add, keep on being the nice guy, the nice guy can have an honest clear conscience.

It is amazing, how many people responded to your story. People, these days, seemed very concerned about this issue - how to truly relate to others. With your attitude, you respect everyone in the situaltion. Your attitude is truly loving (which doesn't always look the way we expect it to). When I was first trying to get sober, 20 years ago, I asked a cleryman, who was also in AA, how to be spiritual (as AA suggested I be). He told me to do one nice thing for someone, each day, and take no credit for it. It is a place to start to understand how being human really works.

tl;dr<br />
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But bro! -if you want to end your misery you need to read 'No More Mr. Nice Guy!' by Robert A. Glover<br />
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and possibly<br />
<br />
'How To Become An Alpha Male' by John Alexander<br />
<br />
good luck

I've felt like I've been used. Now there are people who would say that you are only taken advantage of when you allow yourself to used. They're absolutely right. I did allow myself to get taken advantage of by more than one ex girlfriend. The thing is, I would do it again.<br />
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You can't help being a good person. You can't help wanting to help people you care about even if they wouldn't do the same for you. Don't even bother changing that about yourself. It's a good thing. You are kind. We, I would actually say, are kind. We are kind. We choose to be kind. Some people don't respect that. The worst of them take advantage of that and are unappreciative of it.<br />
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Those people are the ones with problems. Being kind isn't a problem you have. Users are the problemed person in that situation.<br />
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Now, I haven't tried to give you any advice because that's not what you asked for. Instead, I shared with you my POV. If you want any advice, I have one thing I would reccomend. If you ever feel low for being taken advantage of, just remember that there are people out there who would never allow you to feel taken advantage of. Friends, or romantic relations, who do appreciate the kind person you are. There are people who admire you for your character, genereousity, and Christian goodwill. <br />
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I had to look these up and I seldom cite the bible, but these are some I remembered from bible study when I was younger. <br />
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Mat (6:20 Oversimplified: What you sacrifice now, God will reward you for in heaven and nothing lasts an eternity except in heaven.<br />
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Job2 (1:8 " Look to yourselves, that we lose not those things which we have wrought, but that we receive a full reward."<br />
You don't earn this reward by not helping others regardless of appreciation or reciprocation.

do yhe things that make you feel good . Try to imagine how you would feel about yourself if you didn't help that women./ I would feel guilt if I did nothing. And if people start to take you for granted do not led that upset you. You have to know for yourself you are a good man, you really are!, and what other people think doesn;t matter You feel good about yourself because of helping

I feel that its truly from the heart. There maybe times you regret being nice. Never regret it. You are just you.

I feel the same way. I can't help but be the "nice guy" even if it means I don't get something I want. Something I need to watch out for myself is that I need to find someone to do the same for me, because I don't want to reach my limit and stop caring. That's what separates us, we care.

It is good, a positive thing to be kind to others. However, you must clearly send a message that you are not to be treated as a doormat. <br />
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Now the question is, had you given yourself the expectation that your relationship with this woman was to be a love or romantic relationship? Did she at the beginning give you the impression that she was romantically interested in becoming romantically involved with you? What I am getting at is, was there some communication between you and her that you would becoming a lover or boyfriend to her? If there was nothing of the sort established at any time, then you set yourself up for a disappointment by giving yourself that expectation. <br />
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If you are going to becoming involved with a woman romantically, then you will not be offering yourself to her as just another friend. You will not accept an offer of mere friendship from her and you will not offer to be just a friend to her if your intentions to a certain woman are of establishing a romantic relationship.

You are wonderful person, don't you forget that. But I know how you feel, I am probably the nicest person says my friends and teachers. But I feel like some of my friends take granted of that and sometime when I say no I feel guilty . But you can't help, my mum is like me and says probably her personality passed on to me. It's good that you are comforting her

You are wonderful person, don't you forget that. But I know how you feel, I am probably the nicest person says my friends and teachers. But I feel like some of my friends take granted of that and sometime when I say no I feel guilty . But you can't help, my mum is like me and says probably her personality passed on to me. It's good that you are comforting her

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, People may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, They may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.<br />
Mother Teresa

You never know when or how a kindness will be returned.

Good for you for being a nice guy. We need more of them. At least your conscience will always tell you that you did the right thing. Don't listen to people who criticize you for being nice, even if it means you get hurt. There are nice girls out there who DO like nice guys. That doesn't nmean that the person you fall in love with will always love you back. But eventually it all works out. Please don't change!!<br />
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-A nice girl who is glad when she actually meets nice guys

Overall, I believe our approach should be simple: help others in need, but do your best to verify their sincerity. I learned the hard way, having been married twice to women who claimed they were abused in previous relationships, but ended up taking advantage of, and abusing, me. Jesus said we should be as wise as serpents but as gentle as doves (Matt. 10:16). We are called to give our lives for God and friends if necessary, but not for selfish and manipulative people.

i have to be honest, not everyone deserves you to be nice, espcerialy women, most will use your kindness and after they have what they need, they will dump on you. also nice doesnt get you laid, women like men do alot of stupid stuff, she will sue you, and when the other guy turns into a real jerk she will want your support, next she will ask for moneny . its coming dont fool yourself. ihave experisnce, i was married for 8 years and played the single scene over 20 years. take my advice, she was perfectly willing to get pregannat froma jerk so you can save her, thats not fair to you dont feel guilty about her screw up, what are you goign to do if she puts your name as the as father on birth certifacate, if you do not go to court in some states in a year its your kid , even if its not. get smart and get away, dont put it past any women, you dont have to be there to have your name added. alot of guys are paying for kids thats are not there, the state does not care it just wants some one to pay for it, if any women doubts me look it up., final note do niot beleiev anything she says women say anything they ahve to to get out of a bad situation

I think giving of ourselves like you have done is a role model for the rest of this sometimes selfish society. It's easy to become cynical and think in black and white terms about everyone. You just have to be selective I think about where and whom it is appropriate to give your heart. I understand you were really hurt by this woman previously but perhaps you have the ability to forgive which is such a blessing! <br />
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I had a really close girlfriend a few years back and we did everything together. As soon as she got a job with another company, I never heard from the lady again and my phone calls were not returned. I was furious and felt used for the purpose of being her "buddy" in the office. <br />
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My own family has similarly used me. I was always the one who made the plans, made the phone calls to their house and I was certainly generous with lots of mother's day, father's day, birthday and Christmas gifts. I stopped calling to see what would happen, if they would make an effort. Unfortunately, 6 mos, a year and 2 years have passed with no effort on their part except for a friend request on Facebook. The communication was poor on their part, I was told I was not important and that I certainly had no say whatsoever in asking questions as to why my father suddenly deleted his other 2 children from the will. Were were told to shut up and stop being selfish.<br />
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In all of this heartache, I have carefully chosen some good friends who I expect make the effort as much as I do and treat we with respect.<br />
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If you feel used in someone's presence, that is generally exactly what is happening and it is time t move on.<br />
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God Bless

I was and still am at times a Baptist Pastor for some 33 years. For the church to get a building to hold services in I sold my home to give the profit to the building plus begging for funds from fellow churches in the States. For another church building I had planted I took all our money and borrowed some to pay for the land the building would be built on. And again bought from a member of another church the land on which the building is erected and so on and so on. Paid rent for the poor, licences plates, food clothes and other items too many to mention here. ANYWAY i AM ALONE TODAY AND NOT ONE PERSON WILL EVEN TALK TO ME DUE TO FALSE ACCUSATIONS. ALL THIS WAS DONE BY MY FAMILY AND CHURCHES THEY STOLE EVERYTHING I HAD WORKED FOR. i AM STILL DEALING WITH INCURABLE CANCER. NO ONE HAS CONTACTED ME FOR 6 YEARS NOW AFTER ALL i DID FOR THEM. THE PASTORS HAVE FORBIDDEN THE MEMBERS TO HAVE ANY COMMUNICATION WITH ME OR MY WIFE. SO TO ALL YOU (DO-GOODNESS) PEOPLE OUT THERE DO WHAT i DID AND DO HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN TRY TO COMMIT SUICIDE, LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND NEVER TAKE ACTION AGAINST ANYONE. The CONTRARY WAS DONE UNTO ME. AM I CRYING NOW TO GET PITY? <br />
GUY.<br />

I was and still am at times a Baptist Pastor for some 33 years. For the church to get a building to hold services in I sold my home to give the profit to the building plus begging for funds from fellow churches in the States. For another church building I had planted I took all our money and borrowed some to pay for the land the building would be built on. And again bought from a member of another church the land on which the building is erected and so on and so on. Paid rent for the poor, licences plates, food clothes and other items too many to mention here. ANYWAY i AM ALONE TODAY AND NOT ONE PERSON WILL EVEN TALK TO ME DUE TO FALSE ACCUSATIONS. ALL THIS WAS DONE BY MY FAMILY AND CHURCHES THEY STOLE EVERYTHING I HAD WORKED FOR. i AM STILL DEALING WITH INCURABLE CANCER. NO ONE HAS CONTACTED ME FOR 6 YEARS NOW AFTER ALL i DID FOR THEM. THE PASTORS HAVE FORBIDDEN THE MEMBERS TO HAVE ANY COMMUNICATION WITH ME OR MY WIFE. SO TO ALL YOU (DO-GOODNESS) PEOPLE OUT THERE DO WHAT i DID AND DO HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN TRY TO COMMIT SUICIDE, LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND NEVER TAKE ACTION AGAINST ANYONE. The CONTRARY WAS DONE UNTO ME. AM I CRYING NOW TO GET PITY? <br />
GUY.<br />

Hi Baptist Pastor. It sounds like you have every right to be angry and bitter, especially regarding false accusations. Is there any way you can fight them? Talk to a lawyer? Slander is against the law. If they are untrue, such people should not be able to get away with it! Being the nice guy in your case did not pay off and I totally understand your fury here. I am also sorry to hear about your cancer challenge. I hope you are getting support from doctors and other professionals in this area. It must be truly awful and I don't say this out of pity because I have had cancer in my own family - not me - but father and mother. One day I will probably get it but praying not! I have had some rotten behavior hurled at me from so-called friends in the past and have felt so angry I wanted to punch a wall. I find meditation groups help a lot and talking in a group to others who have also been through it. Take care

I applaud your unselfishness. However, dont misuse being a nice guy as an invitation to be a door mat. You can be a great wonderful person and stil have boundaries with people, in particular with people who have hurt you in the past. Help her, thats great! I agree with others that too nice can create the "I am a door mat" image. Is it really the other persons fault i you continue to allow them to walk over you? I dont think it is. You have a responsibility to yourself as well as others to help but not be dragged over the coals. And I think it can be a turn off being with such a push over. I love guys who listen, are romantic, kind and giving, patient and understanding but doormat=turn off. <br />
Speak your mind too once in a while, put your foot down when it is really important to you and that would make a man of integrity quite appealing.

Keep being you! Don't ever stop.<br />
I doubted myself years ago, after a long marriage my wife asked for a divorce. I was angry at myself at first for feeling duped after many years of being nice/accomodating/helpful/doting and she changes her mind on what forever meant.<br />
Then a woman out of the blue said they had watched me be an amazing husband and father all these years and had never met somebody that went out of their way for somebody else, especially for their children. It was at that point I realized that somebody can take advantage of your niceness and you lose faith in why you allow it, but on a grander scheme it is still worth it. Whether you get recognition like I did, or nobody ever sees what you have done, it's best to do the right thing all the time. There is some sort of Karma at work. What goes around comes back stronger. Sometimes it just takes a lot longer than we would like.

if only i could really meet someone who would be there like you are for her.

i'm sure you will

Follow what your heart tells you and measure your feelings by your gut...tjhose two things wont lie to you.... Your most natural human instinct is to be nice ....inner peace calmness light love and gentleness are all by products of being a nice guy....the alternative choices can never bring peace and happiness... <br />
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Remove the self judgment and you wont feel used no matter what... if you perceive yourself as being a helper then a helper you are ... perceive that you are being used...then used you will be... Change your perception and your world changes with have the controlling power within you... no one can make you feel anything... you are always responsible for your own choose how to feel think and what you do about your own perceptions...

Thanks all for your comments, but just to clear things up...I'm not paying out any money, I won't pay out any money, the child she is pregnant with is strictly between her and the father. Also, I'm not letting my feelings get to me and I'm not getting all tangled and tied up over her, I'm just making myself available for her to have someone to talk to because that's the right thing to do.

Thank You my ANGEL for sharing this with us. A beautiful and gentle reminder of what's important, though the road is hard the experiences make it worth the while... <br />
That nice feeling you get inside when you go out of your way to try to make people feel good and loved, also gives them a nice feeling! <br />
So there's this "nice feeling thing" going on. <br />
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Love & Peace to You, Your Friend and the Blessing in her tummy.<br />
Keep in touch with me on your journey!<br />

Dear Nice Guy": In this day and age of "me first" ---- sometimes discretion comes into play. Were I you, I would be a "nice guy" to only those whom you trust (and they must have earned it). !'m<br />
Sorry to hear about your unhappy relationship --- but guess what? Welcome to the human equation. We've all been there, in one fashion or another. At least, most of us.<br />
IMO, after all is said and done --- it never hurts to "be nice" ---- it pays dividends. The old saying? Oh, yes: "you catch more flys with honey than with vinegar". It's also "respect". However, respect works BOTH ways. IF you find that you are the "nice guy" who "gives" more than ever "gets" ---- then change your outlook. Help, confide in those whom you wish --- but be careful about "not being used". Sometimes being a "nice guy" is considered a "weakness" by those whom would take advantage of your nature. Don't fall into that trap.<br />
In closing, the point is --- help all you want --- but watch out for the "red flags" that may well crop up in your "nice guy" persona. I don't wish to be the bearer of bad tidings --- but that is the nature of the way we live, relate and interfrace with each other in today's world.<br />
Best of luck to you --- and regards: Jim

I think being a nice guy is the best policy, however I would draw the line when it comes to romantic relationships. I personally have been burned in this department. It seems when ever I've been sympathetic and nice to women I was romantically attracted to, they always were wanting another guy. It pissed me off (hurt me) and left me jaded. Bottom line being Mr. Niceguy is the best policy, however I would avoid this in romantic situations.

I think you're an inspiration, I know the feeling that you're being taken advantage of when you help someone out and it does make you angry if you dwell on it. If only more people could be as selfless as you.<br />
God bless =)

Carry on being a good guy but just be aware that you may not get it in return then you will not feel disappointed. Don't ever give more than you can afford in a financial way and if you know that it is going to be impossible for her to pay back money you may want to lend her don't lend it to her in the first place.It would be best if you told her what you want out of the relationship from the off.Difficulties and disappointments can often be avoided by good communication. A friend is a good listener and that is what she needs more than anything else at the moment. She will always remember even though it may seem as though she has forgotten.

Being nice is so important but it doesn't mean being foolish. I have always been known as a nice girl and that has gotten me hurt beyond belief. I have learned to be nice with my guard up and not be played for a fool. Just because you aren't taken advantage of doesn't make you mean. You can stand up for yourself, you don't have to wait to be burned to stop someone. Have a smile on your face and a 45 in your pocket (so to speak). You just haven't been burned badly enough or your guard would be up higher. I have...I still have remained nice but have found a healthy balance and won't be an enabler or a doormat anymore.

It is interesting, to read all this, and very interesting how the minority will think.<br />
I am a woman, and I can relate what headon, is trying to say, but I also considered the rest<br />
of the opinions.<br />
Lets see, Is she asking for money? or she is looking just for someone who will listen to her?<br />
Is she looking to open a wound that has heal and want to start something?<br />
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Are you the nice guy, or just has the heart to protect others, if the this is the reazon, why <br />
you are getting involve, go ahead, help her as your heart is dicteding, but remember every story<br />
has another side, don't be a fool and maybe a bit atracted to the idea of going back. Please do not offer money, she made her own bed, let her figure out, but listen, let her talk, and hung up,<br />
Do not get involve. Let her know you are involve with someone you are involve with, even if is not <br />
true. Observed her reaction, and if she is loking to disturve you, please walk away, don't be<br />
in the midle of the mess she is inn. Remember she was not rape, she accepted her relationship<br />
with the other guy, let her go and move on, you may deserve a real, something fresh and new.<br />
Good luck and keep up with a nice heart you have, this doesn't mean you have to be Mr. heroe"<br />
of a novel, don't have to be used constantly, what is over is over!!!! Move on!!!

Thank U for writing this.

******* forget about her. Burn it with fire. Forget the contact, blah, all of it -- don't be so naive! She is only playing you, just as she played the moron by whom she got pregnant in the first place.

Thanks everyone for your input! It seems as though everyone has different views on helping others out and everyone has very true statements. But I think that the repercussions of being there for people come with wisdom like anything else, a few years back I once knew a guy who always seemed to have it though, sure he was on and off from drugs but he was a hard worker and was trying to improve his life (or so it seemed). He was a friend of mine who had passed away but I kept on hanging out with him despite what he did (though I didn't touch drugs), regardless one day he quit his job because he hated his boss and I ended up hiring him into my family's company because I saw how much of a panic he was in from his new found unemployment, I even went out my way to give him a ride to and from work. But in the end he got complacent with what he was doing, didn't perform well, made excuses for work not being done, and despite my inside warnings to him, he was fired from the company and then had the nerve to tell people that I caused him to get fired. <br />
<br />
I think that was the point where I didn't bother to help anyone out anymore, I completely cut that person out from my life because like you said INTP, their negative personalities bring you down as well, I was an angry, bitter person who was quick to snap at someone, and that same negative energy affected everything I did. But I have learn't from that experience because instead of helping someone, I also got involved which was a grave mistake. Now I know better and I think that I can prevent myself from being put into such a vulnerable position.

I applaud you for being a good person. I caution you as it is easy to fall into the trap of being taken for granted. Always remember why this person left you. It is possible they will do it again. history has a way of repeating itself. I live by the golden rule. I am a nice guy but I won't allow myself to be used. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. good luck

I would be careful if I were you. I used to be--err.. rather, consider myself to be a nice person. Some may even call me a 'sweet gal', but one of the reasons I can be is because I've seen the darker nature in people and I allow myself to let those types of folks go when they start to infect me. In other words, I am nice because I truly enjoy bringing out the best in people and believe we all have inherent value, but I am also vigilant of rotten apples. This is a little off-topic but I'll work my way back to the first point--- It's been a difficult lesson to learn in life, but IMHO, you can't try to change people. People will only change if they want to. This includes mean and destructive people. These people will come to you when they are in need, but that ugliness and pain that they are feeling, is often times a result of their own poor decision-making skills and/or their poor attitudes and outlook on life. And, sometimes if you try to go beyond 'supporting' a person so that you are trying to tell them what might be a better way of operating, any ugliness, frustration, and anger that they harbor inside will easily and swiftly be directed at you, in a way that will probably make you leap out of your skin. The folks that do this are usually the ones who will leave you high and dry once you have dried their tears by letting them cry on your shoulder. <br />
<br />
Give it a shot. Try asking pointed questions and offering helpful tips to practicing 'healthy behavior", and see how much they go from loving to despising you. That's when you know you have an emotional 'user' on your hands. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I'd be interested to know if other folks have had the same experience. <br />
<br />
In conclusion: Continue to be nice. It is a blessing to not carry the burden of anger on your back throughout a lifetime, but do be vigilant. Guard your heart! Look for and hang with like-minded people to keep you positive in the long-term.

I know how it feels to be use by a really hurts, after being nice and be there for them on darker times of their life, they just leave you cold and never cared or ask of how your feeling

a-fricken-men. I had the same thing my entire life, where people always like. "oh Im sad and depressed and i need you". *me arrives*. And when they feel better, "Oh okey im good now, go away!". People always just use you. And they often get pissed about it too that you actualy help them, even tho in many ways you even save their lifes. So they want you to become as selfish as they are cause then they dont have to live up to your kindness and your level. They want you to sink to their level, so they just use you and use you. But I came at same conclusion, If people want to use me, go ahead. I make the world a better place by showing acts of compassion & kindness. Falling into greed & selfishness dosent do a darn thing to improve this messed up world as it is. I rather be an example on how people realy should be then. No matter what harm it might cause me, its still better.

In some ways it is nice to be taken for granted. I love that people know they can count on me.<br />
I am not concerned that I may or may not be rewarded directly for any kindnesses. <br />
The things we do are what make us who we are, and liking oneself is a huge reward.<br />
And I know who I would choose as my friends by the comments here.<br />
Kudos to you, rajiv. :-)

Your a bigger person than me,cause people have also used me and tricked me and I thought they were my friends,but they wasn't. So now I hate all those that ever treated me bad,im a very unforgivable person,I don't forgive that easy.Whenever I think of those people I get so mad and I think I should have kicked their teeth whenever they were mean to me.So like I said your a bigger person than me,I still don't forgive those people,and I don't think I ever will.Now If I seen one of those bullies in trouble I would probably just ignore them and let them suffer themselves as payback,cause I'm also a vengeful person.

I would guess that the biggest difference between you and the author is that he is happy and looks forward to the future. Don't forget we all get what we expect in life.

thank you guess i lost track of my gole to being sober an havte to go back to serenaty coine its been 16 years sober an even this has not put me to the edge

Wow that was good. When you said that your scared of getting taken for granted, i am too. I hate the feeling of being taken for granted. It sucks. But i guess its better than being the mean guy. Cause i dont want ppl afraid of me.

Wow! Thanks you all for all your comments, yeah I understand what you mean and I've constantly made sure that I do not get involved in everything that she is going through, all I offer is a shoulder to lean on and someone for her to talk to when needed. I like being nice but I also try to make sure that I protect my feelings as well. I know what it's like to feel alone in a situation and it really sucks, I wouldn't want to have her feel like no one is there for her to turn to, especially at a time like this.

Being a nice guy is the best way to be. I support you 100%. Just make sure to guard against certain things. She may be only looking for a temporary leanon, and have no intention of continuing to speak to you later. Like you said, that doesn't change the fact that you need to help her. Just be careful.<br />
<br />
With that said, though, she may have changed. I believe people can change. Giving her somewhat of a chance by helping her sort through these things in her head is a good thing to do.

I think that being nice is essential, so that one can look in the mirror at the end of the day and say, "I did my best to make the world a better place."<br />
<br />
That doesn't mean you have to invest yourself in others' bad decisions. I'm with biigsnook here -- truly being "nice" means that you're honest with others and with yourself about how you feel. Having children without a father around is often extremely cruel to the children, as it limits their opportunity to succeed in life. Make sure that you aren't involving yourself because you welcome the chance to be back in this woman's life, because she isn't thinking of you (or anyone else).

Quite so. I ued to work at a large University. Most professors were aloof and basically condescending.<br />
I met two I will always recall as the most wonderful people I ever worked with. <br />
<br />
So, yes, being nice pays off, and these people seem to operate at a level of personal wisdom, the rest of us just wish we had.

Keep telling yourself, blog it again, maybe tell it to a friend but truth be told from a different perspective is that people will never grow personally if they do not face adversity on their own. <br />
Sound like this old flame wasn't naive to the fact that she had sexual relations with a man that she knew was abusive and she knew may get her pregnant. Why would you think she would care about you if she doesn't care about herself. You are being used and it will be you that ends up hurt. Not her, she will use you till she is steady on her own. Once you are no longer emotionally needed your connection will fade because she will no longer need it. She will need money and shelter for her baby.<br />
<br />
Just a heads up that is where you are heading. Be a "Nice Guy" to yourself first and save the altruistic acts for a soul that helps themselves first.

It's better to know what's right and do that regardless of whether people will treat you right or not. Maybe she will ditch him once she feels better, but you know that even so, he's done something to help out someone in need. Maybe she'll try to take advantage of him, but it's not like nice people can't draw a line somewhere. There's a difference between being a good person &amp; being naive.

i love what firefly 128 said. basically i would have said the same. don't expect anything, stay wise and decent with compassion. only give what you are rpepared to lose and then be gracious.

maybe, I just hate to realize that a person that I have done good just remembered me when he's sad....but anyways, I believe in karma.....Karma will go after those who use people

yeah that's true, sometimes people do only remember you when they need you but I don't think that should discourage you from helping the end you're the bigger person showed that you're a friend that we can lean on in times of trouble.'s just sad that others are using the kindness, nice people gave to them. I hate it that when their sad and facing some trials in life, it's the time that they remember us. I was always told by a friend that some are just users and warm for a moment because they don't have anyone to talk to or lean on,and when they found some people, they tend to forget you. They just remember us when their in trouble. :(