The Begining of the End

 

I was raised Catholic and truly believed the fairy tale "you grow up, get married to your knight in shining armor & live happily ever after".  The only thing I questioned is why do I need to grow up 1st.  Now I know the answer..........because you'll have a break down.

 When I was 17yrs old, I became pregnant, married, 2 kids, domestic abuse & divorced.  It didn't make my inner belief change.  I knew I was married to the wrong guy.

 When I met my soul mate,  I was head over hills in love.  We had 2 kids and with the 4 all together and us, we lived the American dream.  My bubble broke during the 3rd yr.  I saw my reflection off his dusty armor.  That's when I new in my gut the fairy tale wasn't true. 

 Something wasn't right and wondered if I went crazy because it sure felt like I had.  Sure we had the same old problems everyone dealt with, but something was really wrong.

 After another 5 yrs I had my breakdown.  I was in the mental health ward for 30 days.  Talk about a break from reality, I was all doped up on meds and became a walking zombie.

 I finally got home the day before Xmas, only to hear from his own mouth "I have a sex addiction. I've been fooling around in those **** stores with other men in the back booths."

 To make a long story shorter, that was the beginning of the end.  He refused to get help, so I  refused to stay with him.  We went our own ways and I got an aids test.  This was in '86 during the big panic on aids when they didn't know anything about it.  It took 10 days to get the results, during which time I had him dead & buried. 

 The thought of my kids without a parent scared the hell out of me.  (He never had s*** to do with the kids after we broke up, which is no different then when we were married.)

 The test came back negative and then I cried for 2yrs.  My whole being crumbled .........it was pain I never knew existed.  My inner being died.  I didn't know if I could stand up.

 It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.  I had to take the hardest personal  inventory I have ever had.  Right down to my inner core belief system.

 Thank God it was the beginning of the end, and a whole new life to explore.

 I became grateful for the pain.  I became who I wanted to be.

 

WarriorMom WarriorMom
51-55, F
5 Responses Feb 21, 2009

peace flourlady.

all i can say is peace to you always!

Like I said in one of my other comments: You can't change the past, only the future. I'm sorry you've had such a troubled past, but it's made you the wonderful person you are today! ((((HUGS))))

I wish I could give you a huge hug!<br />
<br />
My troubles are small,compared to yours!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
A woman in love!

Yep, it's amazing what some people can go through.......<br />
<br />
it's good to see you.