The Need...from A Submissive Perspective.

I read SirSecret's story "The Need" EP Link
and like all his stories it totally struck a chord with me.  But this one went deeper then usual and I wanted to talk about it's meaning and how it felt from my own standpoint.

Hubs and I have been told many times that we really aren't a "true" D/s couple because he praises me too much,  seems far too forgiving of my occasional insolent ways, never punishes me in any fashion that would send a clear enough message of absolute ownership and control, as in he never beats or whips the stuffing out of me and that he is way too fast to admit his own needs and vulnerabilities to me.

Everyone has their own version of what is and isn't D/s  and I have actually come to my own conclusions in this. 

I see two distinct forms of D/s....One being very physical where overt shows of control and harsh punishments are dolled out in a Doms attempt to "display" his power, to the sub but also to other Doms.  This can be done in a wide range of ways from fairly light to  totally dangerous and very damaging.  Psychology is many times considered from the  position of "breaking" the subs will to rebel....Sadists and masochists seem prevalent in this group but fakers and wackos abound in it too. 

The other side of this is the group that hubs and I are in.  Where our D/s runs deep...and it's ALL birthed in the mind.  It never has to be on display and can't be. We have businesses and other people in our world who simply would not relate to me in a dog collar.  I don't need one because hubs has planted himself sooo deeply inside my heart, mind and body I just don't need silly props to remind me.  Not that props aren't fun to play with , they are.  But we just don't need to "live" in costume.

A good example to use is our own"silent language"  no one knows about it but us but whenever we are in a crowd I keep him in sight.  Never obviously, real cool and smooth. If he wants me to come back to him, all he does is smile at me and look to his right side.  I immediately excuse myself and go to him.  No big grand show of dominance.....it's silent.  I do this NOT because he commands me to. I do it because I WANT to.  There is the HUGE difference in the two groups.  HIS desire is MY desire too. 

If ever a man gets between hubs and me in my trying to get back to hubs....Hubs is THERE in a flash and he has never had to do more then LOOK at the guy no matter how big or drunk they are...they go away.  It's the intensity in hubs eyes and the fact he's NEVER loud and pushy.  One of the guys who has worked for hubs as another martial arts instructor, for years said once that hubs walks inside an "aura of control"  These  martial arts guys see it as an actual area of their personal chi or energy that they radiate and it sends a  message to even the biggest ,dumbest guys.....and I have seen it in action many times, not just with hubs but with some of the other ninja guys too.....

Hubs never tells me he'll do this, that or the other thing...He just does it and never makes a big deal over it....It's stuff like this that gets inside me and makes me worship this man.  I don't need to be beat and hurt.  I NEED to be surrounded with this protective force that loves me.....  I never struggle with my submission because it's like my blood....it's a part of me because HE is a part of me.

I have talked to a few subs who have told me their Doms have told them they MUST come in and post excruciating stories of the subs suffering thru punishments even when  it wasn't so awful for the sub..... I have also talked to subs  who have told me they pretty much ignore a Dom or fake for him if he asks for something too ridiculous.  This actually made me feel better for the sub. she was smart enough NOT to do something dangerous.  But basically...this is sort of a "stage production" an online.."pretend fest"  The funny thing  about this is....Most of the peeps who have told me that hubs and I aren't "REALLY" D/s fall into this group....

Hubs and I "LIVE" who and what we are.... we've been at it for 14 years now.  We don't text and cam thru our D/s.
There is NO room for faking.  He is right there with me all the time.  I don't need to be ordered with threats of beatings...I'm NO masochist and he knows it.  He knows me better then I know myself.  He watches everything about me and knows my mood from the look in my eyes right down to how I'm breathing.....  He owns me because he knows me that well and  does for me what no one...not even me....can do for myself. 

I've been bashed for saying I idolize and worship him. but I do.  I also know that he takes great pleasure in knowing I feel this way for him NOT because he's ordered me to feel this way but because he has done what needed to be done to  bring these feeling out in me.  What a cranking accomplishment  for any man to be AWESOME enough to be literally worshiped by their wife.  I dote on him, pamper him and serve him in any way he wants because he provides me with everything I need to feel security and happiness.  His telling me I have delighted him is right up there with Christmas morning for me... I live to please this man and I do a good job of it!!

The LAST thing I would ever want to deal with would be some loud mouthed, arrogant fool who thumped his chest and  yelled commands at me and beat me if I didn't do it.  I want, I crave, I need, I worship,  hubs smart mind to lead and guide me and when I don't understand something he is always patient and works with me.  He prompts me to push further to grow and better myself.  He NEVER claims any sort of superiority over me..instead he is always pointing out all the ways we are totally equal....He is sooo humble in the extreme power he walks in.  He takes my breath away. 

To live with the knowledge that THIS man loves and values me and sees  me in any sort of "equal" way to himself leaves me feeling sooooo.....I don't even have a word right now, big enough for what it does to me.....but it's BIG.....so he never needs to beat or command me......He owns me... lock, stock and barrel for WHO he is, all the amazing things he does is never delivered with lip service but shown to me, time and time again...... 

The power he possess and shares with me thru his love and protective ways makes me a more powerful woman. It is like a very delicate  but strong current that flows thu us to and THRU each other. I bring him love and tenderness and he brings me his massive power and stRength and together we  form a unique balance and LOVE!!  AWESOME!

He in turn basks in the glow of being just that flippin awesome as to have a woman feel such TOTAL adoration for him....  He takes one look in my eyes and just knows he's doing  just FINE!!

This goes wayyyyy beyond sex but lemme tell ya.....the wonders of this man are flippin LEGEND in the bedroom too.  But I wanted this story to take in a LOT more then just good  and fun sex cause it is way bigger then that....

This is our life...Not a game we play in our bedroom every so often and NOT some online fiction we play out to impress anyone or kid ourselves with....
This is our reality and I think it's the BEST side of D/s...if only for us....


sierra33 sierra33
31-35, F
21 Responses Sep 21, 2012

Sie--
I must agree with what others have already stated.
This is an exceptional composition--
I enjoyed it immensely the first time--
and equally as much--
this morning.
You are a delight--my love.

Aww thanks rough guy.....I think you would do an awesome job writing your own story in this group.... Let some of these fake Doms see how a real one thinks.... ;)

Sie--my love
I am only a--
Dominant force--
in behalf of my own existence.
It is your--
dominant force--
that guides you to walk beside--
my own. ;-)

I'm glad this popped up in my feed again, it was just as good to read he second time around. This should be required reading.... this is the reach of a symbiotic D/s relationship. It goes so far beyond getting a spanking...

Thanks for writing this Sierra; I am smiling as I sip my coffee ;D

I concur RR . . . loved seeing this on my feed again and rereading . . . symbiotic indeed . . . ahhh . . . SWEET . . . I needed that . . . as I sip my own coffee . . . 8D . . . thank you both . . . great to have friends with like minds . . . and with coffee too . . . it just don't get any better . . . 8D . . . xoxoxox

So true! And friends are everything :-)

*clinks coffee mug with you*

Aww thanks RR and mm......**Raises mug and salutes her awesome buddies.....** Love you guys bunches and bunches...♥ I still feel really deeply and strongly about this. Way more then when I first arrived on ep......I didn't know then just how twisted D/s could be and how abusive it could become....**passes around the chocolates now! :)**

As a Dom I can appreciate this story to my core, this is exactly what I have tried to explain to people is what this life means to me. It actually infuriates me the amount of posers there are out there that ruin the reputation of this very intimate life style. No this is not for everyone and I respect that, but I ask that others respect my right to it for myself and my partner. What is beautiful is this was from a subs perspective, only proving this is not a false reality or unattainable sense of balance and oneness with another person. I do not want to go on too much and make this about me, I want the focus to remain on the beauty of this story, and no that does not make me a weak Dom because I do not feel the need to have all things be about me LOL. Again thank you and may you both be well and enjoy your journey.

Aww thanks....I loved your comment and enjoyed hearing what you think.... I like hearing from others who feel the same way and see this in a similar fashion as hubs and I. While I have met and do know some really solid Doms on ep...the majority are still...sadly.... chest thumping internet Doms who only want to bully a woman on a screen.....Most go after the troubled girls and women who will do darn near anything for a scrap of attention. These fake guys want to brag and spout all their rules... when in fact those rules only exist in some fantasy world in their own heads.... It's sad that something so powerful and really beautiful can end up so twisted and destructive in the wrong hands.....

after reading SirSecret's brilliant post of 'The Need' for Dom's I noticed your own brilliant story from a sub's point of view and I thank you for sharing it . . . to me this is the perfect ideal of D/s . . . what you two have accomplished is sheer perfection in the art . . . and someday wish this percisely for myself . . . ahhh to be sooo lucky . . . I shall give it my all . . . thank you and the best of luck and love to you both . . . very inspiring . . .

Aww thanks Maltese, I hope you find exactly what you want too.....

Thanks Tammy, LOL @ the Legend!! That cracked me right up! :D I would never be happy with anyone who wanted to really hurt me either. It's fine for those who do but it is totally NOT my thing!

Sierra, this is what the best of the best in Dom~sub life is about. You wrote about it so well and clearly. I got a lot out of this and wanted to tell you that your writing is fabulous! I want to find some stories about the ~Legend~ now. I pick up some wild ideas from thse stories! I could never be with a punishing sadistic sort of man.

So beautiful...and surely the most fulfilling. This is how i believe a D/s relationship should be.

Aww thanks..... :)

I’ve read about this so much and to be quite honest you couldn’t have put this any clearer….you either get it or you don’t. A relationship like this is made in heaven and put quite simply I love to read about the basis of your relationship with your hubby. It makes you so very feminine in a powerful way and him so proud, strong and loving in another. Complete balance !

I know I have a strong will to please embedded in me, when I achieve it I beam with radiance, after all I strive for it. I used to be ashamed to feel this way, like in some way I was degrading myself. To the wrong person it might be construed that way but to a true love the relationship is elevated to another level where the dominant one reciprocates their love and feeds the subs yearning to please. I believe it is a unique magic between two people which given a whiff of disrespect would have the gift of the subs submission removed…….a punishment far more hurting and damaging than any dom could ever deliver, for once gone can never be rekindled.

I find my own position really complex though as I can be extremely stubborn and yet submissive in nature. I believe that no two situations in the sub/dom world are identical and I don’t claim to be an expert. I love to read about other people’s relationships like yours and a few others too. I have no need for pain or even the threat of it within my relationship, you’ve explained that only too well in your story. I do find the way I feel difficult to put into words though. You appear to do it with ease and it’s a pleasure to read. Your grasp of this is amazing and I find it hard to believe anyone could knock you for idolising and worshiping your husband.

Aww thanks Bree...I think you summed up a LOT of good stuff with what you said!!
You nailed it with the "striving to please" and how really wonderful and SATISFIED it makes YOU feel!! THAT'S IT!! That is exactly how I feel when I do ANYTHING that wins his pleasure, happiness, or approval!!

I'd also cut and run if I ever felt at all threatened with ANY sort of angry violence but I never worry about that cause I bring out something very kind and gentle, emotionally in hubs. He can be a TOTAL ROUGH GUY in and out of the bedroom but it's never TOO rough!

I'm a lil Taurus girl so I can be pig headed as all get out sometimes but in that he is amazing too cause he sits down and talks softly with his reason and logic and in no time flat has me totally won over to his way of thinking. He's the ONLY one who can do that too.....cause as submissive as I am with him I can be pretty plucky with anyone else....Not mean and nasty but I can definitely stand my own ground!!

There are folks who are always ready to say being this way is degrading but some folks just don't "get" much of anything besides being angry and miserable so I just ignore them now. Makes life easier and wayyy more FUN!!

looking4, Yup....I'm ALL about just being with YOU rough guy!! But I have to say that it works wayy better for us because we are both so hyper sexual....or "over-sexed" as our favorite troll likes to call us!! If one of us wasn't.... we might have run into BIG trouble!! :O We both wore out past partners but the good thing is even then we both had the decency to end one relationship before we went on to another one.... Now we even have good timing on wearing each other out.....but I do have to admit that you wear me out a little ahead of me making you fall asleep......We both sorta crash into the "coma zone" after a long tumble together tho!! It TOTALLY ROCKS too!!

Ohhhhh and I got cool news to share on this.... as long as I'm talkin about us being sex fiends!!
P says that I can't call us BOTH nymphos......wrong...wrong...wrong... He said that the guy version of that would be a Satyr and that I'd be the lil nymph that the Satyr is obsessed with!! I thought that was sooo cute....He even told me a long story about a God named Pan and how the Satyr played a flute to enchant the nymph......

I have to agree that spreading yourself over a bunch of partners can't leave a huge amount left over to make that totally special bond with just one. I think some folks just don't want to settle into just one person. Whatever..if it works for them it's ALL good but I am glad we do it our own way cause I would NEVER...EVER want to watch you with another girl..... I think it's fun to be all flirty and friendly out in a club or here on ep...that's fun and totally harmless but to really settle into serious stuff....I WANT to be the ONLY one who pushes all the RIGHT buttons on my rough guy!! Cause I KNOW where they all are..and just HOW to go about pressin em!! ♥ I agree about the disease thing too......yucky... :O

How true--you are the nymph I am obsessed with-- ;-)
You do indeed have the ideal touch for each of my many--buttons.

awwwwww.......*snuggles up to you and starts looking for "fun" buttons!* ;)

Sie--
I am indeed a strong proponent of monogamy.
The seeds of envy and dissatisfaction are laid in--groupings--
of the intimately involved.
It is simply human nature to allow one to hold sway--
thus allowing--
that--one--to become--
or simply seem to become--
the favored companion or lover--
in the moment.
We are and have always been a--mated--species of animal.
I have debated this topic any number of times.
I have always left the debate more convinced--
that my own thoughts are true.
No one engaged in activities with more then one dedicated partner--
has ever stated they shared--
the ultimate and highly intense emotions for any of their multiple partners--
that I feel for you.
I would feel significantly inadequate in offering satisfaction and diversity--
were you to feel a need for another man to enter our intimate couplings.
I could not bear it--
nor would I put myself through such torture..
I am most pleased to know you share my feelings on this.
I feel that those who--require--multiple partners--
have not yet reached the level of depth and commitment--
that would enable them to put forth the effort required--
to foster and maintain a--quality--singular pairing.
It takes far less effort to jump from the excitement of one new bed to another--
then to focus and create the diversity enjoyed--
between the bonded pair who hold profound emotional ties to one another.
I practiced that shallow coupling for forty years before I met you.
I fancy myself to be rather well informed on said topic. =D
I feel our exclusive stand strengthens our bond and solidifies it.
I also shudder to think of the risks--
many face with regards to the transmission of diseases.
Far better to relish all the joys of knowing we are capable of richly fulfilling the--one--
then sharing more shallow and tenuous enjoyments with many.
The longer we know and experience one another--
the better we may perfect what we already do so very well. ;-)

Loking4, I read this part of you comment.......
~~~~~~~~~~
"I do agree that my own energies unite with yours and fosters greater strength within you.
I also know that your energies foster warmth and kindness within me.
Together--
they combine and--make love--in the very deepest and truest sense.
It is balance--my love."
~~~~~~~~~~
and was just floored with how you said that and the pictures that came into my mind....now I will admit to seeing a few of our lil energy particles hookin up for the first time and having "Wild Monkey Energy Particle Sex" fist thing... but the BIGGER meaning of it really hit me too.... That was darn near poetic rough guy..... ♥

I also LOVE reading about, bonded mates being bound ONLY to each other....that is another wayyy special part of it for me and I TOTALLY know it's a bottom line for YOU!!....I know a few folks have said that to understand another area of D/s a Dom should experience "loaning" a sub to another Dom and maybe even watching the other Dom, "use" her or have a sub watch you with another and that whole notion leaves both of us turned off. While I think it's fine to do that if you're into it I honestly can't see how a totally tight bond can be made if others are forever brought into the mix...but that's just the way my head works and I wouldn't want it to work any other way cause YOU are sooooo totally a monogamous man with me and I LOVE it!!

You gave a totally awesome reply to this rough guy.....but you always do......Thanks for taking the time from your crazy morning schedule to always come in and read what I had to say....That ROCKS!! Just like YOU!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I agree 100% with your life. The D/s lifestyle has to have respect both ways, at least thats what I think. And it does naturally makes the sub (dote or adore) . Its a wonderful and beautiful relationship and I wont have it anyother way

Aww thanks......It is a darn nice way to live... :)

Sie--
You have presented a grand tribute to truth and balance with this composition.
You have also demonstrated the benefits of awareness--
as well as attentiveness.
A mated pair must be keen observers of one to the other--
this is the foundational skill that creates the bond--
that binds them together throughout life.
Keen observers come to know the many small nuances of-emotion-movement and behavior that speaks with far greater accuracy then mere words.

While I have taught you much--
So too--
have you been my instructor in many instances.
I have learned of qualities from you--
I no belief in--
until I observed you demonstrating them--again and again.

Any individual who claims--
no weakness--
nor vulnerability--
is a liar.
A human cannot exist without them.

Of course I do relish reading your words of devotion--
I thank you for sharing them so openly.
However--
It must be stated--yet again--
that I feel you are as Dominant to my state of being--
as I am to your own.
Your willing submission--
is an act that does in fact--
take complete possession of my love and loyalty for you.

We are very bonded mates.
Each bound only to the other.
Each looking to the other for what is most needed to create contentment.
I do agree that my own energies unite with yours and fosters greater strength within you.
I also know that your energies foster warmth and kindness within me.
Together--
they combine and--make love--in the very deepest and truest sense.
It is balance--my love.
Defined and functional.
It is also--
comfort--
satisfaction--
and joy.

While you kept sex at a distance in this composition--
I would like to add--
that while passions and lust in the new moment are exciting--
passions and lust kept high throughout fourteen years--
is bliss.
To still have you come into view and feel my body respond immediately is
wondrous--
Indeed it is! ;-)
Bravo--my love.
A wonderful read and a very thought provoking piece of writing.

You are very fortunate to have that powerful connection. My husband and I are working on things and if given a choice this is where I would love to end up. I see the picture of the perfect relationship that you have painted with your words.

Awww, I hope you and your hubs get things worked out well. Thanks so much for the beautiful compliment but I have to say the word "perfect" is scary for me. Hubs and I have a solid and loving relationship but I'm afraid if we ever started seeing it as perfect we would slack off our efforts and maybe end up with difficulties. Humans are all flawed and loaded with faults and we're for sure no different. What we do well is communicate and give each other really solid honesty..... I'll probably always be forgetful and a lil ditzy. He'll probably always leave the toilet seat up and spend more money then I think he should but we do focus more on all the good stuff we do and try to never get all hung up on our faults..... :D

This story has been an AWESOME learning experience for me and it has brought up some of the coolest conversations in my pm box!! I love it when stories do this.

I actually wanna do a whole other story on a couple conversations in particular.... I just want to wait and get permission from the one person I am talking too cause I want to use his exact words and I never do direct quotes unless the person is cool with that. He brought up some really good points about how hubs does have a strong sadistic side. I also want to get deeper into another idea another smart buddy mentioned and that is how D/s and BDSM get all mixed up in the same pot of soup.....

I learn soooo much from folks in here who are willing to take their valuable time and share their thoughts with me.... Thank you for that..... ♥

I look forward to this piece.

cc i always like reading how it works between you to. i see you together all the time and would never put it together that your into anything besides just being a couple. i see you run his snacks and H2O to him.i never think anything of it, so your right on with no public show.
K is hard to figure. he wears that dont fukk with me air like skin, being he is so quiet you dont think anything of it till you **** him off and he levels them eyes on you. then you know you stepped wrong and he comes down hard but even then he keeps that sober cool shyt going on. dude is quiet but deadly.
hes not easy to make friends with but once he figures your ok hes cool. got the driest sense of humor i ever saw but he can be funnier then shyt if you pay attention.
cc your a walkin tawkin barbie and aint no question who you got eyes for. i seen him keeping track of you to even at work that dude dont miss nothing. i want to find this with a person. i just want to be on the dont fukk with me side . i aint never going to pass for a barbi.

Awwww tough girl, yup....you get a first hand view of how we work in public and also how we are just hangin at home. It's good to hear we do just what we do at work cause bein we live in an area where folks would be totally turned off if we got too far out on the kinky limb in public, it's important we show that "regular side" too. I don't see it as being fake at all either cause we are just a regular couple in a LOT of ways!!
LOL @ K being all "quiet but deadly" I don't see him that way at all but I think it's a riot that you do!! He can be a hard nut to crack with making friends because he is very skeptical of folks and that's just because his life experiences has taught him that not everybody is always on the up and up but you're sooo right in that once he thinks you're on the level with him he is a ROCKIN guy to know!!
I like it that he "keeps track of me" ♥
YOU TOTALLY have a girl version of the "Don't F with me!!" You're a kick *** girl!! ♥ :O ♥

I think you have the most loving relationship, supportive and caring and sexy too. You are BOTH very lucky to have each other, and the nicest thing is that you both know it!

Aww thanks Kat.....You're sooo right, I think the best part of any relationship is for both folks to realize they have something good and they both work to keep it good and make it better over time. ♥

Sorry..I am with you. This is the true meaning of D's. The ebb and flow between two people with the male in control. It is the perfect D's...you understand each others wants and needs! To each their own, but no one has the right to say their way is the right way! It is all about balance, and u two have that down to a science:)

aww thanks moon....I think balance is a BIG thing to find in any relationship.....I even see it play a big part in simple friendships.....The more balanced the exchange the deeper and more rewarding the feelings are.....This threads is totally making me have deeper thoughts!! I like that tho! :)

Sierra, I am glad that you wrote this; you are wonderful at explaining the dynamic you have with K. This was so full of WIN, where do I start?

D/s is hugely mental; it makes all the difference. It takes time, instinct and patience to build that connection and a strong foundation. I think you nailed the depth of it that a lot of people miss out on: it's not something you turn off and on, it just IS. It can't be falsely produced.

I like how you explained the "aura of control" and "These martial arts guys see it as an actual area of their personal chi or energy that they radiate." I think this is exactly what a true Dominant displays; it's not chest thumping, it is a natural dominance that people pick up on and automatically respond to.

I really enjoyed this and I always love reading your D/s views :-D

Aww thanks RR.... I actually had some real personal revelations while I wrote this...As funky as that sounds.. it's true...It never occurred to me before that HIS strength actually does pass thru me and makes me stronger... like his actual chi maybe...His dominating me doesn't diminish or break me it actually helps me grow and be stronger.....Maybe because that is the "intent" of the energy he puts into us..... Does that sound weird or does it make a little sense? It is so cool to sit here and think about it tho. I love it when I write something and it makes me think even more.....

I can tell that you had some revelations and I understand completely what you mean about the transference of energy. It doesn't sound weird at all; in fact I think this is the natural byproduct of a healthy and deep D/s relationship. This intense connection is heart of D/s in my opinion :-D

It's nice to discover a new layer to things....I love it when something so new can emerge out of something so familiar.....That is what personal growth is all about tho......Thanks sooo much for understanding what I meant too.. It's what I LOVE about you.... ♥

YES! The new emerging out of something so familiar. I want to swipe that sentence! (I always understand you ;-)

Aww swipe it!! I am a total share bear.....You do always "get " me...that so rocks too..... it really really does..... ♥

2 More Responses

It's certainly the type of life I would happily live... don't take orders well.. but when I love and respect you from the bottom of my heart... I would do anything without fail or question. Love to hear your perspective on these things... so very cool to read.

Aww thanks RF..:) That's the key for me....that love and respect has to be the foundation of this...without it it wouldn't work.

I think this is once again where labels get in the way.
Bdsm is a very, very broad umbrella, and D/s underneath that umbrella is just as varied in its spectrum. There are as many ways to practice it as there are people doing it, but where you fall on the continuum doesn't make it more or less real or relevant, IMHO.

Aww thanks ms....I agree.... :)

Of course! Because I know exactly how it is to feel that submissiveness and that need...I just hate it when people say because you practice it one way, and they practice differently that it isn't a "true" D/s relationship...bullshitz, lol.

I'm glad I've been around enough to get all the comments and judgments tho...even the mean ones... as loony as that sounds cause it's all helped me to form some real solid opinions for myself....and that sorta ROCKS!! :)