Pretty Much Everyone

If anyone is ever nice to me, I know it's because they want something from me, or because they're setting me up.

I'm always the scapegoat for other peoples problems, mistakes, and responsibilities. No one listens to me, no matter what I'm saying. Whether it's advice, adding to a conversation, warning someone of something, answering a question, greeting them... they ignore me. People walk right past me. It's like I'm not even there.

But then I get scared when people do acknowledge me because they're usually only interested in using me in some way. Money, help, advice, or just for someone to crap all over so they feel better about themselves and can run away from everything that's wrong with them.

It's been this way since I was born. The verbal, mental, physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse from everyone has led me to become afraid of people. It went from anxiety and seeming shy, to running away from people and hiding. I work with the public, now, but some days I don't even want to come to work. It's become outright avoidant personality disorder. People are just so incredibly scary because they might scream at me, insult me, hit me, treat me like nothing, or sexually assault me.

I have an above average IQ, I've been a model, I've done so well in school up until I drop out of my classes from the terror of having to deal with classmates or professors. I blank out on exams and sit there and cry because I'm so scared that I won't do well and that the professor and my classmates will look down on me and crap on me and laugh at me. I'm afraid to answer questions aloud, because I might be wrong, and then I'll look stupid. I've had professors bully me and pick me out in classes where I was only sitting in the class, in the back, taking notes for students I was assigned to as my job because they're disabled.

I help people, when I see people struggling, I help. I do nice things without expecting a return, because I just want to see people happy. I work myself sick, taking all the hours I can, just to make enough money to take care of everyone and whenever someone wants something, I try so hard to get it for them. I go out of my way for other people because I feel like... if someone is upset or crying or having trouble it just isn't right and it's even more wrong to stand by and let it happen.

I donate to and volunteer at animal shelters. I donate blood when I'm able to. I do extra work without telling people I did anything, I watch out for people and make sure that potential problems don't become real problems, and I pay for things for people without them knowing, and do all that I can for everyone.

But everyone still seems to ignore me. Most years even my birthday goes unnoticed. I often spend it alone for the most part. If I ask for anything, I usually end up having to get it for myself. I fear asking anyone for help for fear of being a burden. I take on more than I can handle just to see everything go smoothly for everyone else.

But... everyone still hates me. In the end, everyone I try to make friends with is gone within a couple of months to a couple of years. Along the way of the end a lot of then insist I owe them money, which really isn't possible because I usually spend more on everyone else. Most of the time it's debt my significant other has gathered. For some reason, everything my s/o does that's wrong gets blamed on me and I get screamed at for it. Even if I didn't know she'd done anything at all. They act like I'm control of all of her actions when really, she and I are the complete opposite from each other.

Everyone leaves insulting me, putting me down, and, like I said, blaming me for things other people did. Even if my significant other was the one that upset them most of the time, the anger is redirected toward me and her actions blamed on me. In the end, my significant other is still friends with all of those people, but all of those people abhor and loathe me.

As a result, I only have one friend. I only have two people who are close to me, my significant other being one, and I'm not even sure if she really loves me because she makes things so difficult for me and lays so much of the responsibility on me. I take it up, of course, but after being run sick and tired, I get snippy and then I feel worse for even that.

I'm pretty sure my best friend is the only person who actually, genuinely loves me. I consider him my brother, and likewise. But when I get so sick of everyone ignoring me, being left out, not belonging anywhere, not being accepted anywhere, not being wanted anywhere, not even within my own family... And I start getting upset, when I start threatening suicide because I've had it, because people just don't want me alive and I just shouldn't be here anymore, he's the only person... even if I post about it publicly... He is the ONLY PERSON in the ENTIRE WORLD who will tell me to hang on.

And sometimes, that in and of itself, makes me want to do it anyway. But because he tells me to hang on, I try to. He keeps telling me I'm strong because I've dealt with so much abuse that it's impressive for me to care so much about other people that even people who are treated well by others aren't as kind. I insist that it's common practice for people to be kind to each other, but he insists otherwise.

He's the only one who doesn't regularly ignore me. Even my girl friend ignores me when I'm speaking to her, most of the time. I'm just so sick of not being wanted anywhere. I'm just so sick of people ignoring me when I need them. I'm so sick of everyone tearing me down when I don't need it and treating me like a burden or like some obligation.

I had two different people recently who were nice to my face until I pointed out that they were avoiding me and they bluntly told me it was true, they were avoiding me, and that they hated me and just didn't have the heart to tell me to go eff myself.

I'm surrounded by people who are like this when I'd give anything just to see them happy and do anything just to make them smile. It just makes me feel sick and I guess... speaking of sick, I might be really very sick. Excessive and unexplained weight loss, anemia from blood loss, and the doctors aren't sure why.

I just... keep.... working as hard as I can. And people keep walking past me. Like I'm nothing. And I guess soon enough I will be nothing. My best friend promised me a spot in his family plot because my family would never be able to afford that, considering my family is only my mother who wishes she'd never given birth to me and is $19,000 in debt that I have to help her with. She's another person to whom my money goes in order to make them happy. But she could never afford a grave for me. My best friend, though, will at least give me that and I guess I'll be happy to be a part of his family even if it means I have to be dead to belong somewhere.

It never stops hurting. I try so hard to be likable and be worth something, but it never works out, it seems. And if I have any talents, I wouldn't know, because I think everything I do sucks because I was raised with everyone telling me everything I did wasn't good enough and well... anything like art or writing, everyone ignores. No one comments or supports me. At length I wonder, "Why even bother doing any of this?" and stop whatever hobby I'd originally enjoyed. Now nothing is enjoyable. Occasionally I'll try again and improve, but it's still never good.

I'll make a joke, no one laughs, no one notices. Someone else makes the same exact joke and everyone laughs and everyone wants to be their friend. ......It's like I'm already dead. I'm just a ghost. Either they walk right past me, or they hate me and want me gone.

I can't wait to be gone.
maplematty maplematty
3 Responses Jan 15, 2013

You are probably a targeted individual. Research it and please be strong and hang in there. I have been through this to. Pray to God to help you get through this. Don't respond to them. That's what they want. They want to ruin your soul. Don't let them win! Praying for you!

I love you.

I often feel something similar, would you like to chat about this with me?