Not Necessarily So

I think that the title of this group would be better suited if it was "I think failed relationships have the potential to change people".
 In order for change to come about, first there must be acceptance of responsibility. I'm sure we've all met people that perpetually blame the other party while not shouldering any of the blame for the relationship ending. I know I've come across plenty. In many of those cases I've found that the people years later are still the same and have not grown at all. It's almost as if time stands still for these types and down the road they are left as bitter lonely people blaming the outside world for all of their woes. One must be open to at least the possibility that the blame almost totally lies within our own self in order to truly change. With very few exceptions both parties are always at least somewhat responsible. Acknowledging that and taking ownership of the things that we could have done differently to help instead of hinder I believe is the true path to positive change. It has been for me anyway.
bassplayer bassplayer
46-50, M
22 Responses Nov 22, 2010

Yes, and the second most important thing to own is that everything (and everyone) we let into our lives, is a choice. If we ended up in failed relationships with people who were completely wrong for us, did we ignore the red flags in the beginning and just forge ahead anyway? My two failed relationships were so painful I had to admit to myself that I had really not given it enough time to see who those guys really were, before jumping in and getting my emotions involved. Moral of the story, take a good long look first, to see if there's water there, before diving into the pool head first. If you allow an alligator into your life as a partner and it bites your leg off, can you blame it for being an alligator? Or the abbreviated version: look before you leap because it takes time to know someone. And when you realize that, you realize involvement doesn't have to be a cr*p shoot. That's a BIG part of accepting responsibility. As Frank Zappa sang in one of the songs on his Joe's Garage album, "broken hearts are for a**hol*s.

Accepting one's mistakes and taking ownership of them is part of the path to maturity really. Often the people that complain about being lonely and are bitter in later life haven't stopped to consider that they may have been unknowingly contributing to their own problems. Nothing is ever completely one sided. That's been my experience anyway. There's already been two comments on this post by people that are in denial.

Thanks Myo.<br />
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You are right. The realization that you've come up short and are also to blame can be a very sobering and painful thing.

Great post, Bassy. You've expressed your thoughts so well. It takes a lot of courage and humility to accept one's part in a failed relationship. It forces one to examine the personal shortcomings and inability or willingness to see oneself truthfully. It's downright painful. It's so much easier to place blame on the other, something I have been guilty of myself. :-/ No healing ever comes from blame and grudges. Personal responsibility is paramount when it comes to moving on.

Thanks Crywillow.<br />
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People that give a lot MissMuffet attract people that take a lot. I would argue that there is nothing inherently wrong with giving as long as there are no strings attached to it that could breed resentment and that there is time left for one's self. Giving can end up becoming all of a person's life.

You couldn't have said it more perfectly basspla<x>yer. It takes a lot of humility to stop and say to yourself "maybe there is something that I really need to work on." Much pride has to be set aside and one has to even be willing to take a few more hits to the ego. I know that has been the case for me, especially given my latest circumstances of which you are well aware. If both parties can accept responsibility when it is correct to do so, I think there is a great potential for a very healthy relationship.

Bla blabla bla bla bla bla. That's all I'm hearing for some reason.

You are right. Placing the blame on one's self is a difficult thing to do.<br />
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I'm curious about your story. Did you give him the opportunity to change the things that you didn't agree with?

Interesting point WiseOldOwl. I think one should also question why they refuse to see themselves as part of the problem too if its indeed the case. I already have one comment on this story where someone has absolved themselves of any responsibility. It is never entirely one person's fault.

This is an interesting post. I think the statement "I think failed relationships change people" is a valid one. The underlying question is whether the change is for the better or not so better.<br />
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If someone did come out of a failed relationship without change, I think one should question the validity of the relationship.

You're welcome :)<br />
Thanks for stopping by

You are absolutely right...accepting and acknowledging the results of your own choices and actions is the only sure way to gain any measure of confidence in your ability to affect your own future positively.<br />
Thanks for posting this.

I agree with you Bassy. This story is right on and very close to situations that I find myself in with my son. Thanks for sharing what Eric and others have told me for years. It has finally sunk in!

Absolutely. If we don't stop and take this step then we miss out.

like anything in life or as my old dad used to say "university of life" we need to work out where we went wrong to be able to go forward in a possitive way

Thanks for the comments everyone.<br />
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I'm interested letmeusethisname. In what way were you wronged and why did it end anyway?

I feel that the word change should be swapped with "influence". Thanks for your insight.

I know I was the one wronged in my last relationship. I may have made mistakes but I was willing to talk, to learn to grow. It ended anyway but I am choosing (a little every day) to become better because of it.

yeah agreed, the sooner you accept your part of the blame the sooner you can move on.

lol<br />
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Growing bitter is a decision made by one person alone. It never needs to be made.

Thanks FF.

Yep. Agreed.