Fourth Time's A Charm, Right?Or is it three? That's what I said last time, she came back.
We've been doing this dance, for seven years. I won't get into the details of she-said/she-said. It really doesn't matter.
The point, is that she keeps coming back, and I keep letting her. Sometimes we spend months apart. Sometimes years. It's always the same thing though- she comes back. We fall ridiculously in love again, remembering all of the wonderful things. Then she changes her mind. Then I run. I'm in the running stage.
This woman. I have been unable to love, and *really* feel love, for anyone. Because I box her in my mind, label it "forbidden," and push her away. All of my love, gets thrown into this box, because it only belongs to her...it always has, really.
This is how a failed relationship (four times) has changed me. I have become this numb entity, circling around. Trying to love different women, and not succeeding. I used to believe in things like "fate," and "meant to be." I don't anymore- it's not safe. My capacity to dream, has diminished...because we dreamed together. Dreams, are no longer safe.
I used to think that I wanted to get married. Have a wife. Be part of the happiest lesbian couple you've ever freaking seen...but as it turns out, it's just not for me. I can't handle getting that close to someone again. I will raise my family (that doesn't exist yet) on my own. And I can do it, because this woman, through her constant actions of reeling me in, only to throw me away, has forced me to be strong and independant. This I am grateful for, even though it leaves a bitter taste and a slight (but numbed) sting.
So, I suppose...if *she* hadn't have happened to me, four times...I wouldn't be this strong. I'd still be leaning on her. And for the first time, in seven years...I'm not.
I'm free. I can do it on my own.
I hold all the cards.