To Be Or Not To Be .....

Dougs'  poem initiated some heavy thinking! A reflection upon the dynamics of "bad relationships" as opposed to destructive endings of relationships that affect our outlook and ...... the long term knock on effect of both.

I ponder and I  wonder. 

For me, the ending of my one long term relationship (10 years)  was so abrupt and so shocking in how it ended, how the person treated me when ending it and the severity of consequences to my life in every sense of the word - that I emotionally, I am still affected  over a decade later. (financially, he crucified me).   I adhered to the naive belief that what you put into life, you get out of life. This is wrong and i have not believed this from that day forward. There are too many x factors in life's equation that change the outcome. Some are small changes to the outcome - others are life changing. 

My point is ..... Though my spirit is still a fighting spirit, I was pushed with such force over the cliff and fell so hard and so fast due to trusting someone completely, ( whom I had done no wrong to and he acknowledged this) that it has affected all relationships from then until now. (12 years later). I guess to survive, I disconnected. A lot.

BUT ... what about those of us 'trapped' in relationships.  Friends, acquaintances , co-workers, neighbours, any of us  whom are in long term relationships that are stale. Pros are - couples  have financial security - I would surmise this is the top reason why most people do stay together who no longer gel with each other.  They have worked hard for what they have achieved and would not wish to lose it or split it. 

But do they have harmony? Are they happy?  If they no longer have love, do they have companionship, friendship?  Do they look out for each other still and back each other up? In sickness and in health .....

I'm pretty self sufficient emotionally. Self-contained I guess. But I'm human. Occasionally  I feel the need to have one person to be there for me. To offer support and Encouragement and be chuffed and proud when I do well. And I don't have that .......

However, although I am alone (partner wise - I do have my lovely son - who right now is having an "on the cusp of being a teenager temper tantrum" - rolls eyes) , neither do I have someone who gives me withering glances that undermine me, sarcasm to scorn me or insults to belittle me. 

I ponder the question - which is the greater or lesser evil for want of a better word. To stay on our own, traumatised by betrayals that have far reaching consequences or remain trapped and paralysed in worlds of our making. Knowing the partner who once looked at you with such love and pride now looks at you with scorn or derision or even contempt.

I ponder. I wonder. I just don't have the answers.
liguidgold liguidgold
41-45, F
1 Response Mar 22, 2012

I am sorry that you suffered such an ending. Life is not fair. Good things are not always the result of your good behavior and bad things are not always deserved. I am glad that you have made it through. You want more. Be open to it. Embrace it when it happens. Falling while climbing a hill can hurt, but it should not prevent us from trying to climb the mountain.