The Signal

I am in love with my ex but we broke it off a month ago. She was an amazing and beautiful woman. Still is. I mean, sure there were some issues that she needs to figure out for herself but for the most part she is so awesome

Now we are broken up for communication problems and I am too shy and proud to even tell her that I am insecure in things about myself.

She is moving to Arizona for 6 months and it scares me that its going to be over for real. Everything is going to be over!

A couple weeks ago I went to hawaii and she texted me out of the blue with a new number and said, "Hi this is so and so. Ive been thinking about you. I hope you are having fun in hawaii"

Now that shes not my life it just kills me. Ive been googling up how to better my personality, improve my confidence and be a better man. Ive been reading how to have a better relationship and take care of a woman like her. I even read the girl ones on what a guy wants to see if what people are writing is accurate to a guys oint of view for a woman to improve.

Last sunday I was in Fairbanks with my dad hunting in the middle of no where laying in bed just missing her.

I texted her just because and i knew the text would go through the outbox because the signal was bad and not go though. I texted, Ï would give you my soul if I had the chance"

then the next day I was trying to get anothr text to go through that I meant to go through. I found that in certain areas up in that woods if i move my cell phone right then it would go through.

It went through but then I realized as I was doing this, The text that I meant to send went through.

My stomach was in my chest and my eyes went WIDE! "SHIIIIIIIIIT!!!", I thought to myself.

Then I get a new text message. I was afraid to even open it and see. I took a deep breath and opened it. then it said, "really?"

"what makes you think that you dont have a chance?", she texted again.

I couldnt get throguh for hours so I just didnt bother and thought about hunting with my dad. Then when we got into town to pick up my mom at the airpport, I texted, ""I am hunting in Fairbanks right now with my dad"

She texted back, ""oh fun. You didnt really answer my question but cool"

Then I texted, ""I dont want the mistakes of the past to hinder me but I want to learn to be wise from them. I dont want just my words to be words. But to have my words be actions""

Then also I texted, "Yeah, also when I was in Hawaii before I went through a tunnel I held my breath and I wished for you to be by my side again"

I didnt get an answer for hours because we were back up camping in the middle of no where. I was just waiting and wondering and preparing myself for whatever is to come.

So I went to sleep. I got a text from her saying, "THat was beautiful. So what are you going to do? and you know that I love you"

I told her, "I waited this long. Ill wait for you as long as you need if I have to"

Then she texted, "Girls dont like waiting for a sign you know?"

The signal was again hard to send a message back to her right away. She was texting all, "I loved you. Ive waited for signs."

Then I said, "Babe, you are beautiful inside and out" because I googled relationship advice and it said that women like to be called beautiful instead of being called hot.

She said, "Why did you tell me all this last minute when I am leaving? You were never upfront about a lot of things. But whatever. Im leaving"

Then I thought back and thought, "SHES NOT UPFRONT!""

But instead I said back to her, "I am like...writing you in the middle of no where trying to press send a bunch of times and waving my $19 phone trying to get a signal just to get a signal just to show my devotion to you *sigh* and my dad is looking at me all puzzled""

But anyways. Right now its not working out. Shes probably gonna leave. Cant convince her to stay. What am I gonna do, ask her to move in with me? I still need to get my life together first.

I just really hate seeing my brothers and sisters with kids on the holidays and my nephews and neices growing up before my eyes. I just dont want to be alone anymore. I hate that I have this false contentment with accepting that I enjoy this lonley dark feeling. And I miss her. even though she is a little bit of a crazy lady. But for the time that I had her, She was my crazy lady and I was happy when I was with her. Even though I was too careful and didnt want her to see my fears or to come on too strong. But now she will leave. But at least she knows how I feel. Only time can make its decision I guess.

EmptyBlack EmptyBlack
31-35, M
Sep 8, 2012