Why I Believe This.

I was raised in a house with a doting father and an abusive mother.  My father worked.  He did the cooking.  He washed up every night and us kids dried up the dishes.  On Saturdays the whole household would get together to clean the house despite the fact we had school and my father had work and my mother had very little to do.  Washing was a communally shared chore.  Anything outside was boys work.  Despite all this my mother constantly lashed out at my father and us children verbally and physically.  I quickly lost count of the number of times I saw my father with his hands over his face while my mother layed into him with fists.  He never raised a hand to her except to cover his face.  I don't even want to go into some of the things that happened to me and my siblings.  By 15 I'd had more than enough and ran away from home never to return despite the efforts of the supposedly welfare office trying to drag me back to my abusive mother.   I quickly learnt to avoid them after the first time they "helped" me.  I have forgiven my mother for all this now but that does not mean it did not occur.

My life would have been hell on Earth without my father...

In a strange twist of fate I ended up having a daughter of my own.  For the first 3 years the mother would go out everyday and do whatever she wanted leaving the baby/toddler alone.  I was originally working at that stage but ended up losing my job mainly due to extreme fatigue.  I would work all night and then come home to clean up the house a bit then collapse.  Usually that meant I would wake up within 2 hrs to an empty house save for the screaming baby.  Of course I would struggle up and attend to that while wondering why I was once again left holding the baby she nagged for for 6months...

After fatigue pretty well anihalated any chance I had of keeping my job,  I was pulled into head office and dismissed.  They were amazed at my delighted smile. lol.  I happily lived for the next 6 months on the accrued holiday and sick pay I'd built up over the years I was at the job.  I never got that holiday I happily sacrificed my holiday pay raising my daughter without a scrap of maternity leave or the like of course.  During this phase I was put on night shift with the baby who wasnt much of a sleeper and tended to be up about 22 hrs a day.  I would collapse in the morning and be woken up by once again an empty house and screaming baby.

The mother was a little more reasonable than my own and I managed to curtail the physical lashing out in rage at the children but she would still scream at them with little logic but mostly just blind anger.  I wore a lot of that myself.  I always noticed a huge difference in my daughter in between spending time with mum and me.  After a short time with mum she would become whiny screamy and unhappy.  After a few days with me she would settle down to happy, rational and very much orientated towards doing things.  Needless to say my daughter was very much a "daddy's girl"

In January me and my daughter were spending a lot of time in the backyard pool very much enjoying each others company.  I had watched her for about 21 days straight due to mum being tied up with legitimate business to be fair.    I went to help mum with something heavy out of the car boot and got about 10 feet to hear my daughter screaming wildly.  Mum had accidentally shut her hand in the car boot breaking it in three places.  It was a total accident but needless to say I was very miffed after watching her for 3 weeks straight that my daughter suffered this in the 5 mins I was helping mum and she was watching her!  This also put the pool we'd been enjoying so much together out of her life as well as she was now in plaster.

Within a week of that she was gone.  I was told that mum was taking the kids to the park and found out 3 days later they were all 3 states away.  Oh well I guess I got to spend Christmas with my child for once.

So after all my sacrifice and love I don't have my daughter she's with the mum and it's alllll about the $$$.  I very firmly believe that if there wasn't fiscal reward in it I'd still have her.  Since the mum didn't want to do the care but eagerly gobbled up every child associated dollar up until that point,  I think my theory is reasonably valid....

So that's my sad tale.  I feel so guilty for not being there for my daughter particularly with my own upbringing and I know it's hurting her greatly too.  I refuse to put myself back in the position her mother would have me in where I have all the responsibility fiscal or otherwise.  To be taken completely for granted despite everything I put in.  To be screamed at for what someone did while she was out doing whatever the heck she wanted each and every day.  However I  feel so so so guilty about the cost to my child.  We are both victims in a way but she is the most powerless and loses the most......

Since being on EP I've heard so many cases similar to my own upbringing and each time I feel a pang of guilt over my own child.

This is why I think fathers are just as important as mothers......
badbinary badbinary
41-45, M
8 Responses Mar 23, 2012

I am so sad you had to go through so much pain and now so much worry about your daughter.Sadly when we are brought up with an abusive parent we tend to gravitate towards that type of a person later on in life when we make our own life,subconsciously we are trying to put things right by enacting the same situation,hoping we will eventually resolve the disfunction for ourselves and get above it and finally put it behind us,but sadly it does not get resolved that way,we just end up with another abusive person,I know, it happened to me.In my case I had such a low self esteem I did not think I deserved any better and my boundaries had become blurred because of growing up in an abusive "home".

I am a divorced father of two young boys. I filed. I have them every other week for the whole week. I go through cycles of depression related to their coming and going. My ex was/is very similar to yours.<br />
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I printed all the above to say I can relate although not perfectly and I see no reason for you to feel guilty. You did not start any of it and your ex left without your knowledge.<br />
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Additionally, although there are other women like her she's one in a million. Don't hold it against them all.

Thank you for your wise comment lickwell. Im sorry that you are in a similar situation. Thank you for the comment re-guilt. Think it may be part of the paternal instinct but I very much see and appreciate your point. =)

I dont hold it against all women. I was blessed with an amazing woman who did a lot of good to me in that regard. Sadly she in longer with us. However that just makes it more important to remember the fact that she chose to use her limited time to work wonders with me and respect that. She is very dearly missed and is always in my thoughts. Thank you for your comments and best wishes to you and your boys sir =)

Wow it reads like you have poured your heart and soul into this which I am sure you have. I agree that fathers are every bit as important as mothers. Fathers don't deserve to be treated any less then a mother. I am sorry you have experienced this pain and still do.

this was one of the most difficult stories ive posted on ep. however i felt that some of these things needed to be said and that the time has come for some of the many illusions to be shattered. If that embarrases me a little then I just have to deal with it. The truth isnt always pretty... Thank you so much for your supportive comment. Im at peace with my mother these days. The situation of my own daughter still stings a little but ive become tired of feeling guilty. its out of my control and although it breaks my heart to hear her telling me she wants to come home to dad, i am as powerless as she is. we are both victims of the situation and ive had to stop blaming myself. I just have to make the most of it and express my love for her by phone as much as i can. the main thing is that she knows that her dad still loves her very much. the mother knows how close we are and is hoping to settle closer eventually for both our sake which is nice. thank you again for your kind comment.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Can not imagine the pain you must have felt growing up and then into adulthood. I like your attitude of how you were as a father and what your daughter meant to you. It is important to be that father she can rely on and trust. Even though she is far away at the moment, I know she is in your heart and soul. Hang in there "Dad."

thank you most kindly for your supportive comment sir =) yes she is very much and she is giving mum absolute hell. i may get her back yet ;D

Aww bb this is soo sad. For you and what you endured as a child and for what you and your little girl deal with now. The good news is eventually she'll be old enough to come and spend time with you without any permission or input from the mom.....Dad's ARE, just as important as mom's....I ADORE both my parents and appreciate them both even more, the older I get.

Thanks so much sierra. This is my hardest ever EP story really. I think its about time some people spoke up though so that some of this madness can end. Ive exposed myself waaaaay over my comfort zone but yeah I guess some of us have to speak up. Especially in light of what is coming to Australia. Ive also done a lot of study of late and can understand that the same sort of person can feel comfy as a partner and that in my case crashing through a few comfort zones is a good thing. Thanks so much I will continue to endeavour to tell me daughter that I love her in the very few ways I have left.

It's always good to step out of a comfort zone when speaking your own truth....I am a firm believer in that. That little girl knows you love her too. Kids are way smarter then some adults think they are.

awww sweetie hugs kisses and lots of love<br />
please remember this is what makes you a wonderful father, an adorable man<br />
and a sparkling tenderheart

Thank you my treasured sweetheart. Likewise your a real breath of fresh air for me. I adore you.

Thank you my friend. This one was a hard one for me to write. and I was a bit staggered by the word count when I was done. lol. I very much agree with every word you said my wise friend. Thank you for your comment =)

Thank you so much for your lovely comment..My day is now made..LOL....:)

Nicely penned my friend...I think Fathers should play as important a role in raising their children as mothers A father is the model of a man for his daughter and she will choose a man who is like him A father is the model for his son as well Fortunately, there is a trend for fathers to be more active in their children's lives...:)