How God Saved Me.. Sorry It's a Long Story Though
My story is kinda long, I want people to get the reason why I almost took my life, so please...... bare with me.
I was in the 4Th grade, I was living with relatives and well.. they were physically and mentally abusive. I didn't get hit with a belt or got grounded. I got hit in the face or the stomach. They would tell me they couldn't do anything because they had to take care of me. Or my favorite "I should of listened to your grandfather and gave you up for adoption". I will admit I was stubborn though, so when I would get hit I wouldn't cry at first - so I made it worse because i kept on getting hit until I cried. One time I was blocking my face with my hand, so my hand kept getting hit with a comb and all my knuckles on that hand swelled up so bad I couldn't write in class that day.
Now you know how we kids are just clumsy and really do hurt ourselves or each other while playing on accident. One time I was pushing my cousin on her tricycle and we were having fun, she kept asking me to push her faster and I did but the last time I made her go so fast the tricycle tipped over and she fell. I really didn't mean to hurt her, but her father was yelling at me saying I did it on purpose, I tried to explain but he told me to get in the house. The thing is we were outside because a bug bomb was going off, so I'm in the room crying and my aunt is arguing with him to let me out of the house so he does but tells me I had to go in the back yard by myself because he didn't want to see my face. The next day I asked my cousin why didn't she tell him it was an accident and she just shrugged her shoulders.A few weeks later her sister and I got into a argument probably about something stupid and we were yelling back and forth and then finally she yells "That's why my dad says you ain't sh** and your dad ain't sh** either". My father had been sent to jail that's why I was living with relatives. And My mom left when I was three and I didn't hear from her again. I had suspected that their dad didn't like me but I was telling myself I was being foolish and I always thought everyone was being hard on me. But when she said that it was like -wow he really doesn't like me. Everytime i went over there i would try my hardest not to get on his nerves but I still did.
Another time I went with my older male cousin to a public pool and was having a great time. I didn't know how to swim so I stayed in the shallow end, until my cousin said he was take me on his back to the deep end. When we got deeper I started to tighten my grip around his neck so he panicked and pushed me off of him and swam away. I started to drown and was flaying my arms like crazy, there was this couple against the pool wall to my right and I was thinking one of them would help me but they just stared at me. I managed to turn around towards the life guard chair and she just stared at me too - I guess they all thought I was playing around. I got really tired trying to keep afloat so I just stopped trying, just then my cousin's mom who had went to the car came back and must of seen all the splashing because I could see her running to the edge of the pool as I was going under and she was able to pull me out. I just kept thinking "why didn't anyone try to help me?" And it never accured to me until just now that maybe God had saved me that time as well.
School was no better it just seemed I brought out the worst in people. I was new so some kids didn't like me, when they would get into trouble they would say it was me or i made them do it. The teachers would call home and I got hit again not knowing why. One time, one of the kids was on the monkey bars and we're waiting on the ground for her to get off but when she reached the last bar she wouldn't move. She started swinging upside down and fell off. Her friends started laughing, I didn't laugh because I was worried she really hurt herself but she yelled my name out and told the teacher that I pushed her off. The teacher yanked me by my arm and dragged me way yelling at me, I tried telling her I wasn't even near her that she fell by herself but the teacher didn't believe me, even though alot of people saw it,no one said anything. I told a friend that everyone hates me, I couldn't do anything right and I should do everyone a favour and I kill myself - she told me that she would help me write my suicide note.
Sorry for going through this long story but I wanted everyone to get the point that I had a reason feeling like everyone hated me. I felt worthless, like I didn't deserve to live - and the one girl I thought was a friend didn't try to stop me. I felt like I was doing the right thing and that Sunday night before we had to go back to school I was going to kill myself.
That Sunday Morning in church I was writing my suicide note. I had planned everything out to the T, and then I had this ideal. If it was going to be my last day on earth then I should at least for once listen to the preacher. Because you know being a kid in church was like punishment and it was boring. So I listened to the sermon.
I was amazed at what I heard - it was as if the preacher was talking about my life, everything I was feeling and going through he was preaching to the congregation - he was saying God would take all that pain because we were not alone. And at that moment I really don't know how to explain it but it was like I could hear him talking to me, telling me; "No one loves you?, I love you", "You don't have a best friend?, I'll be your best friend", "You don't have anyone to talk to?, talk to me", "No one understands?, I understand". "You're not worthless, I love you and I am always here". And I just starting crying, I had to muffle my sobs because I felt for the first time someone cared about me and what I was going through - it was so strong I just couldn't deny what I was hearing, what I was feeling. And I realized what I almost did and how stupid I was to let people get me to that point where i was going to take my own life. God saved my life that Sunday and probably that time at the pool and he's always been there ever since.