The Colleague, The Student, And The Complications.

Two things were on my mind yesterday. One was being stood up by my friends at an outdoor cinema. By all of them. That'll get its own story.

The second thing was the two people I've met in the last few weeks. The two people in the last few weeks that I'm finding myself surprisingly attracted to. And neither of which is without multiple complications. Each.

One is a new colleague, who happens to have got the job because of his friendship with the head of the small language school I work at, the same as two other colleagues with the same role within the company. All four of them are close, and move in very different circles to me and my other friends, mostly due to a significant difference in funds. We all get along well at work, but were it not for the fact that we all work together in a small school, we probably would never meet, let alone become friends.

The other is a new student. Extremely advanced - so much so that we finished the introduction hour in record time and had a good old chat for the rest of the time. Also extremely friendly - chatty, enthusiastic, always smiling and polite. It's more than just friendliness though. In the last few days I've noticed some little things - a coy smile here, a quick look over the shoulder there... I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that she's just as interested in me as I am in her. Yes. She. Her. Feminine pronouns. Not only is this person a student, but this student is a female.

These are the two people on my mind lately. A male colleague and a female student. Somewhat complicated, to say the least.

Self-protection instinct tells me to take a deep breath, turn around slowly and walk away from both, to protect myself from being hurt - in all kinds of ways, and on top of that, at work, in front of all of my colleagues.

Common sense tells me not to get involved with a colleague. Common sense, and every workplace relationship story I've ever heard, read or seen. I admit it, he's attractive, but while I think there might be potential, we also have to work together. He's just started at the company one of his best friends is in charge of, and I have no intention of leaving any time soon, which means we're working together for at least a while yet.

As for her... it's complicated. My interest in women isn't exactly common knowledge. I confided in my best friend about the time I realised how I felt about Meredith (see previous post) - we were very close friends for several years, but after she said some very hurtful and personal things in the heat of an argument, I realised I couldn't trust her with personal and private stories and experiences. We no longer have contact, and I'm back to square one - the one person I'd admitted my deepest, most guarded secret to was someone I never wanted to talk to again. She's part of the reason I'm very hesitant to confide in anyone.

There have been a few women I've been interested in, ranging from a mild crush to a much deeper attraction. A friend of my former confidante - I've written about her before. A classmate in high school - I've written about her too. Another former student. Another friend of a friend. Even Dani, of MTV's "A Shot At Love" fame - she's pretty cute. But I've never had the nerve or the guts to do anything about it. I don't know why.

I guess I'm more of a conformist than I realise.

I guess I'm scared of what other people think too. I'm scared of my family's reaction. I'm scared of my friends' reactions. Well, no. I'm not scared of their reactions, because I know them well enough and trust them enough to know that they would support my choices and decisions, no matter what, as long as I was happy. That goes for my mum too, and my sister, but the rest of my family are a little different. I'm scared to reveal a side of me that absolutely no one else in my life knows about. A side that I'm not even sure about.

The added problem with all this is that my fear makes me write, and think, and analyse, and procrastinate, and repeat this cycle of passive activity for so long that the choice is made for me - either by someone else getting in first, or by losing contact with her.

To take a leap into the unknown, or to stay standing on the sidelines and watch. Both require an iron will and infinite strength - the strength to believe enough in what I feel to jump and live the life I want, or to stay where I am, to relegate this to being a phase, and let it go - let time make the choice for me. I just hope I have the strength to make the right choice for me.

(If you read this, please comment or send me a message - I'm also in the group "I want to be a writer", and I appreciate all constructive criticism. Thanks!)
andyj823 andyj823
26-30, F
1 Response Aug 3, 2010

I feel like the 2nd half of your story is a mirror to my own life crazy! I know I could never pick up any courage in the near future, so I'm interested to see how yours turns out. Excellent writing.