I've Always Been Bi, But Only Recently "knew" It

I've been having bi sexual experiences since I was about 6 years old. At an overnight stay with a cousin, we were cleaning up after a hard day's playing outside, and I became entranced by his penis. I asked to lick it, and after a time he did the same to me. Over the years that relationship developed into regular oral sex, and when we hit puberty we started sharing ******* (which freaked us both out at first, to be sure!) Eventually that relationship was replicated with another male cousin, which evolved into anal sex.

Growing up, I always felt sick and guilty about what we were doing. I didn't know it at the time, but my father was bisexual (I didn't find out until after he died) and had an ongoing gay relationship with a male friend who I always knew as a "family friend" and clearly hated himself about the fact. When I was younger I had a fair share of somewhat effeminate mannerisms (owing in no small part to the fact that I spent the vast majority of my time around my mother and sisters), which often lead to being called "filthy ******," and "queerbait" among other things. And so, each time I'd have this sex--which I enjoyed so much--I'd leave feeling guilty and sick, swearing that "never again" would it happen.

But happen again it did--and eventually with partners other than my cousins.

The gay sex abated somewhat when I began having sex with the women I dated, but in time those feelings were awakened again when a woman I dated one night blindfolded me, tied my hands and dressed me in women's cloths. She bent me over and before I knew what happened, slipped her ******* **** inside me. I was on fire immediately, rock hard, aroused, and as she orgasmed from the visual I orgasmed from the awakened desires. And before long, I'd arranged a sleepover with my cousin, enjoyed his ****, and subsequently started visiting adult stores, where I learned I could suck **** discretely.

I finally unveiled these experiences to a counselor several years ago, and told her I thought I might be bisexual. In time I came to see that this is the truth. It's still a bit hard sometimes. I'm not "out" because I don't see much acceptance for bi males, but, at least my current partner knows and is willing to let me explore these desires in **********. How will it end up? Who knows? I'm both happy and sad--happy to know what I am, sad that I can't be public about it, sad that I can't have a boyfriend AND a girlfriend. What's a bi guy to do?
bentsecrets bentsecrets
1 Response Aug 9, 2010

I am in a similar place I guess. I had several bisexual experiences as a young adolescent, then a couple over the next few years. I can honestly say I have never particularly been attracted to a man in a sexual way. When I think of sexual attraction, its all heterosexual. BUT -- the idea of bisexual sex appeals to me greatly and I do get off on bisexual **** and on male ************ and such. If my wife were open to the idea, I would explore these feelings in a heartbeat, given the opportunity. Of course, being old and fat, I don't expect a lot of opportunities. My biggest fantasy is to get my wife into MFM ********** again as we were at one time, only this time to involve some bisexual partners with whom I could experiment in the context of a MFM *********. However, I am in a committed monogamous marriage and will not cheat on the wife, whether with a girl or a guy.