It's Time For The Mask To Come Off...

I think I'm bi; or at least its very likely. I just always felt this way. Until a couple of years ago I was very homophobic, I was almost obsessed with it, up to the point of think about not being friends anymore with my best guy friend that I have know  since I was 4, just cause he turned out to be gay. Going back to 2nd grade my best friend and I wanted to live together when we grew up and we told our moms. The reaction it got still haunts me to this day; my mom had a sad, almost sick look on her face that makes me want to block it out of my mind forever. Her mom looked almost angry, and she said oh that will never work, or something along those lines. I didn't't understand why they seemed so upset until 4th grade when a boy called me a lesbian. When I got home that day I asked my mom what that meant and she changed the subject but she still had that sad look on her face... I learned what it meant from T.V. and people motioning it throughout the year. I learned that being gay basicly meant you were an outsider, and straight was the good thing to be. By 6th grade I was so confused and I was crawling deeper into my homophobic cave, I didn't't even like to get hugs from other girls cause I didn't't want to like it. One day my friend called some other girl bi. and I didn't't know what it meant, but I wasn't't about to ask her and sound ignorant. When I was in 8th grade I started liking guys even more and the same went for girls. I freaked out, I kept reassuring myself I was not gay because I like guys way too much, yet I din't fit with the straight people... I kept getting that crush sensation with guys and girls, less often with girls but still often enough. I was so confused by this point I went to the computer for answers and learned about the B in the LGBT. I felt almost relived that there was a term about how I was feeling. But I also saw that a lot didn't't believe that people can really be bi I got upset. So I pushed  all these thoughts and completely shut that part down. I was successful for about a year until half way through 9th grade, I started having thoughts again that didn't't fit into the box I was put in. But I truly believed that it was SO rare that someone could be bisexual and I doubted that could be me. I am now seeing that I am probably bisexual. I can't really admit ti though, and my mom makes it worse. She goes around making fun of feminine gay men on T.V. She also seems to think that if you're gay, that you want to be a different gender. It hurts so badly when she says stuff like that; I like being a girl and I wouldn't't want to be a boy. She also says stuff like "He's a flamer" and I could go on... I just want to be straight and be "normal" in my family's eyes. But if I was completely straight I wouldn't't be myself... It's such a conflict. I'm so glad I'm not a homophobe anymore but I still struggle with my own sexuality. If my family would except it I would feel so great... But they want me to go off with Mr. Charming and i'm not sure if someday I'll bring a Mr. or Mrs. charming... I'm afraid they'll give all sorts of crud cause of this... I feel like a science experiment that went wrong, I like guys like straight girls but I also like girls like straight guys do, I'm a mess... Some days I'm fine about it but some days I just want to cut that part out about me... I'm so sorry this was real long, and I hope I didn't't sound like to much of a drama queen; it just i have nobody to talk about this to. I have been keeping this burden with me for many years now... I just don't know what to do. I could use any advice anybody could give me, thank you all so much.
Lauren456 Lauren456
18-21, F
2 Responses Aug 10, 2010

Thank you guys this support means a lot. Oh and FiFirose I believe that sexuality is fluid and it can change and shift, I don't like boxes for sexuality they cause a lot of people pain and that's why I find that way of thinking flawed. But if others are fine with the "boxes" idea, then fine. I mean sometimes I feel straight and sometimes I feel bi it depends but deep down I know i'm bi. I'm more often atracted to guys but I still like girls. Now all I have to do is learn how to except my self and hopefully have other that except me. Also think deep down in your heart, I'm sure eventualy you'll find who want to be with.

I completely understand. I feel as though I'm bisexual, too. I think about it all the time. I've only been in relationships with guys, but I pretty much fell in love with a girl at my University. A little afterwards, I started dating my current boyfriend. It's been almost a year and I love him very much, but I always think of this girl. It's an internal struggle that I don't know if I'll ever get over. The more I think about it, the more I think I'm gay. Then again, I sometimes think I'm straight. I'm a total wreck. We should talk. : )