Her Name Was...

A name I won't say. It's a unique name and I fear being discovered. Strange as it is, in this world, I still have to hide the fact I am bi. Or, according to some people in my life, I "was". Not quite.

I have a boyfriend now. I have always had urges for men so I assumed I was straight. What I did not realize is that I went after men with feminine characteristics. This is my first time being with a "man's man".

He is sexy, strong, cool, and everything I know I SHOULD want. However, there are times when I think of her. Or anyone of the female persuasion. I try to encourage more femininity in him and it just does not work. He was raised by a man. Another man's man. Only small signs of a female having helped in his raising, and none of which transferred to his son. Do not get me wrong, because I do love him. I feel responsible for him as well. His feelings are my problem and I am always on the prowl if someone wants to hurt him. But still, these thoughts do not stop. I long for the touch of a woman. The supple curve of her breast, her hips... having her soft, warm, milky legs wrapped around me. It's something that haunts my dreams.

I don't want to be that girl. "I'm sorry I think I'm a lesbian. It just wont work out." I know for a fact that I am NOT a lesbian. I love men. Just not as much as I think I should. I worry about how he would react. He's already had a girlfriend use him to look straight. And she left him for another woman... I couldn't do that. Not to him. I know what kinds of tears he would cry. The loneliness that would surround him. The suffering.

But this confusion does not stop.

When I don't see him for days, I am BEGGING for his attention. I love men. I know I love men. I just love feminine men. Hopefully. Maybe if I chant it enough times, it'll be true. I won't have to keep fighting against gay haters on Facebook under the guise that I actually hang out with gay people. I don't. I would like to, but frankly, they scare me. They show me a piece of myself that I can't come to terms with. I am a "deviant" and as much as I wish I "grew out" of it, I didn't.

I don't agree with the bible. I think if you really love somebody you should be able to marry them. For me, I haven't even gotten to those kinds of thoughts yet. It's completely sexual so I feel ashamed. Could I ever fall in love with a woman, or just her body? I never want to objectify a woman. I have had it done to me. It's not fun. But still.... And then I remember her. I wasn't in love with her body. Not in the least. I was in love with her charm. Her eyes. Her doll-like face. Her cheery smiles and calm demeanor. It made me want to protect her. But I knew I was just another woman and I felt weak... I knew I liked her though. The minute I heard she was a lesbian and got a girlfriend, ironically, with the same name as me, I almost cried. She was so pure and beautiful and I'd missed my opportunity. In fact, thinking that she'd even kissed somebody else made me angry.

Where were these feelings coming from? Completely raw and unmanageable, I locked them back up. I replaced them with disgust. "Ew, she made out with that girl in front of the whole school. What a ****!" And that was how I "got over" my first girl crush. I don't know that I would have ever touched her, or even kissed her... but I know I liked her. Such strange feelings...

So here I am. Maybe bi, lesbian, straight... but above all: Confused. Scared. Feeling alone.

What am I supposed to do?
Hannelah Hannelah
18-21, F
May 7, 2012