Scared Shitless

For the last 9 years, since I was 14, I've only dated guys. I was with my first boyfriend for 6 years. And after him I uprooted myself and moved to New York to be with another for a year, the transition period between the two was non-existent. After that one went way south I moved back home and hooked up with someone for about 9 months, he was a rebound and was pretty much just there for "entertainment" purposes. Don't get me wrong, I deeply cared for each guy. I was even in love with one. But as time went on I found that the only thing I really look to guys for is release. I find them attractive, and if I found the right guy I think I could be really happy with him.

Now on to the main topic of this lengthy story.

A few months ago I had my first sexual encounter with a woman. We had a few drinks, she was beautiful and mysterious and fun. We had that one night, I never saw her again. But what happened after this is what is a little scary. Ever since that night I've found myself being interested in women. I don't really check them out in a sexual way. But I can picture myself being with them in a relationship. And now that I've been intimate with a woman, I can sort of picture what our sex life would be like, and I don't feel gross about it. I don't find lesbian **** particularly enticing. But I find myself more open to the fact that I could find as much romantic and emotional fulfillment in a lesbian relationship as a heterosexual one.

I'm really confused and really scared, I'm confused because I would hate to think that this is just a case of "the-grass-is-greener". And I'm scared because I have no idea how to transition from identifying myself as a "straight" female to a bi-sexual one.

What if I were to enter a relationship with someone and find out that I was just curious? What if I end up hurting someone who opened their heart to me, trusted me, and all I can do is shrug and say what? " This was just an experiment. Sorry for ripping out your heart and ******** in your gaping chest wound,"?

I find men very sexually attractive. When I fantasize, its about men. Its a more comfortable way of thinking for me, because that is all I've ever known.

But when I think of women, I see a mutually nurturing relationship. I see appreciation for each other, and the possibility of a love that isn't entirely based around *******.

I can see myself getting married, having(adopting) kids, growing old with each gender. I'm just not so sure if this open mindedness is my true self finally peeking its head out of the closet I've forced it into by being only with guys. Or if I'm just questioning myself because...I don't know. I don't really know why else I would be questioning...

In any case, any thoughts would be appreciated. I need to know if this sounds like the normal train of thought for a bi-sexual person just coming into their own. Or if I'm just overreacting to something.

Thank you.
SqueaksMcGee SqueaksMcGee
22-25, F
Dec 15, 2012