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Blessed Externally, Cursed Internally

I wouldn't call it a literal curse but maybe it is. I'm cursed with too much curiosity, hunger, thirst, and longing for esoteric knowledge that I will never have. Everyone's curious but I am so compelled and obsessed that it is driving me into despair.

The most pathetic thing is that, in my external world, it seems like every single force is conspiring to make things as easy as possible for me. Everything just goes right which is the opposite of a curse but inside I suffer from unending hunger that is killing me.

I'll illustrate the curse of the compulsion.

Imagine a person that is me. Now imagine there is a jail cell door in front of that person. Now picture a rope tied to that person which extends through the bars of the jail cell door.

At the other end of the rope something is pulling. That is my compulsion and absolute need. It is my hunger. It pulls me straight into the bars and I get pressed right up against them. It hurts my chin, knees, and everything on the front side of my body.

Why am I so hungry? Why do I have this compulsion? Why can't I just give up and cut the rope? That is my internal curse. I hunger and long with no forseeable end.

On the outside, I am extremely lucky and everything goes right but even though I am blessed with luck, I am cursed with urges that torture meĀ on the inside.
chrysalid chrysalid 18-21, F Mar 16, 2012

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