Not The Person I Think I Am

(English isn't my native language, so bare in mind for mistakes)

I'm having a hard time explaining exactly what i think is wrong with me, imagine if you wake up someday and you forgot 95% of the "happy" moments in your life. A life where you look happy, but really aint. I got bullied alot when i was a kid, for being chubby and stuff like that, the few people i trusted enough to tell it back then - told me to tell the teachers, which didn't help, it actually had a even more negative effect. I learned quite early in life, when i was about 7-10 years old, that trusting people with my feelings didn't do any good. I guess that's the moment that changed my personality, i didn't change like in a skitzo way, but if i have to look at myself now..
i don't have any opinions on things
i don't like to be around people, unless i have too.
i have mood swings, sometimes i listen to mozart and i say to myself "i wouldn't mind not living anymore" and at other times, i feel quite happy and filled with energy - which doesn't last for more than an hour or so.. and rarely happens.. - my music taste changes every 30 min, from something happy straight to metal or songs about death or other things.
sometimes i even feel abit sick and annoyed when i talk with people, or listen to them..
i can't stand some of the errors they make, and i get extremely mad and really fast aswell. when i get mad, i have to get away from people. Otherwise i feel like jumping the person infront of me, and actually physically punishing the person for trying to hurt me. When that happens, i go away, change mood completely and attitude aswell - and then i listen to metal music to get some of my anger out.
i don't really dream about anything either, i simply just lay there and way for the next day to come. i guess the best way to describe me, would be a shell.. that's completely empty..
i litteraly don't care about anything, if you ask me what i think about rain.. i'll answer "it sucks" because i know people would expect me to say that, however.. i couldn't care if it rains or not.. I like being alone, my mom knows that i like being alone.. my sister aswell, my sister said that something must be wrong with me.. but i don't know if she really means it or not, im curious to see what she thinks.. i like to analyze people, and to see their reactions to things in their dailylife..
now to a change of topic, "Death".
I don't fear death, i think i'd be glad to die.. finnaly have a sence of peace, nothing to think about.. just, be in the ground.. dark and silence..
i first found out about how cold i actually is, at my granddad's funeral, i felt nothing.. my sister said "It's okay to cry" she noticed i had water in my eyes, i said "Yeah i know.." but the real reason? Was that i was bored, i didn't care... 3 months later my grandmom died, exactly the same "sensation".

I find nothing enjoyable, i only do things that i know people would expect me to do to be "Normal".
I don't know what my real opinions are, i don't really feel that emotional engaged in stuff where i should be.
My father once had to get an operation, and the doctors told my mom that there was a 50/50 chance of him being paralized totaly from the neck and down.. we had to wait for 12 hours at the hospital, my sister looked at me and said "you're not sorry or something?" - and i said "No, not really.. why sould i be?" she cried.. i still didn't feel anything, other than i probably should have said yes for some reason..

i couldn't sleep the other night, and i though about something...
They say Shakespeare was the greatest play-writer in the history right?
I don't know who i am, everyday i have to play the same act that i've played for over 8 years. I do not feel happy, i do not feel sad.. i feel, absolutely nothing..

anyone knows whats wrong with me?
i though about getting checked for being Bipolar..

Virex Virex
18-21, M
3 Responses Jan 18, 2013

What happens to the self under the Christian faith? It is an important question as the self is the only thing we own. It is the only thing we will take out with us when we go out of this world. It is the thing we have to live with while we are here. You can'��t blame some people for not wanting to live with themselves forever. The self is not a good companion.
Modern psychology says three things about the self. Know thyself, accept thyself, and express thyself. I would have to reject this view of personality of the modern psychologist. What is the matter with these three things?
First of all they say, know yourself. But, you cannot know yourself studying yourself in relationship to yourself and others. You have got to know yourself in relationship to something beyond yourself, higher than yourself'�'God. You have got to know the purposes and that plan. The Christian faith teaches that you are a child of God and your destiny is to be made like the son of God. Second, they say accept yourself. But how can you accept an unacceptable self often full of conflicts, confusion, fears, resentments, self-preoccupation and guilt? To tell a man to accept himself under those circumstances is to tell him the impossible. You cannot accept yourself because yourself is not an acceptable self.
Third, express yourself. But you get a dozen people together, all of whom want to express themselves, and then what have you got?
What is the matter with these things? They lack one thing, and that one thing is the thing that the Christian faith would put into it: Surrender yourself, give back to God the one thing you own, lose it in a higher purpose '�' a higher will. What will happen to that self when you surrender yourself to God? Does He say, '��Now that I got him, I wipe him out?'�� Did God create us to annihilate us? Then what kind of a Creator would He be? The more I belong to God and His Kingdom, the more I belong to myself. Bound to Him, I walk the earth free. Low at His feet I stand straight before everything else. I lose my life, but I find it again. I am never so much my own as when I am most His. So the self is not wiped out. It is cleansed and because it will live with God, it can live with itself. And if you can live with yourself, you can live with others. I cannot only accept myself, but I can love myself. Christianity teaches self love. '��Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.'�� You can love yourself because you love something beyond yourself.
I accept myself because I have been accepted by Him. I cannot reject what he accepts. I cannot despise what He loves. If He loves me, I love myself. So you find yourself in the place where you can take the second point of psychology, accept yourself. We do now. It is wonderful to be able to live with the self you can accept. Then third, you can express yourself. Why? Because Paul said, '��FOR ME TO LIVE IS CHRIST.'��
When I express myself, then I express Him. So I can express myself. I'��m a witness to what He is and what He does for me.
It is a wonderful thing then to lose your life in a will, a purpose, a higher purpose that your own, and it comes back to you again. The self is not wiped out. You now know yourself, you accept yourself, and you express yourself. These three things can be acceptable because in front of all three of them, you surrender yourself. Yourself in your own hands is a problem and a pain, but yourself in the hands of Christ is a possibility and a power. If you will surrender yourself to Jesus Christ today, you will find yourself again no longer a problem but a power, no longer a conflict but a conqueror. It is wonderful to be His because when you are His, you are your own.

Thanks for responding Skism20,
i don't really know if anything happened, i can't remember anything from my childhood other than being bullied when i went to school.
The main issue i have at the moment is when i actually can sleep, i don't dream..
And my anger is getting more and more active lately, anything can set me off, and make the day turn into a living hell.

i feel exactly the same way as you. EXACTLY. my whole life is just pretending to be someone confident, social and...‘normal’ just to avoid people and confrontation. The doctors say I’m depressed, but i think its more than that. considering antidepressants and an attempted change in lifestyle didn’t help at all. all i ever think about is dying because i see no point in living when I’m basically already dead inside. however, a lot has happened to me since the age of 5 that has probably contributed to my current nothingness. Did something significant happen to you when you were 8-10?