My Closest Friend

scary stuff isn't it.. I know that creeping realisation that someone is becoming too important to just be considered as a friend.. maybe crossing the line--but where is that line?

Its a sad state of affairs any way you look at it

In away you are supporting each other . If one of you were happily married it would be different.

Where were you a few years ago? haahahaha!!!



Thanks

Thanks again! MAM...



I got divorced the first time around due to physical abuse and he cheated on me.



I know some of the nasties because I did some of them too.



I am not going to sleep with Jack--somedays I feel like I could but I really think I just can't do it until things are totally settled all the way around.



I really apprieciate all these posts and you bring up good points.



I just want to make sure I still have a friendship and figure out the marriage thing too.

MitchAndMaureen- Thanks again for your sage advice.



I am working on my plan to divorce--finances are holding me up right now. I have joked with friends that if I won the lottery that would be the first thing I do--I wouldn't even care if he got half.



As far as Jack goes- you are so right...who would be a good lover-yes is all relative--we all thought that our (current) spouses were when we first married them...now they won't give us the time of day when it comes to sex (sexless marriages).



I have been doing a lot of praying and hoping that I do not cross the line...that is why I posted this in the first place---to see if I was already in over my head or if I still can escape and keep a friendship too.



At this point-I want the divorce but am confused about trying to work things out. I do love my husband even though he is a ***. However, I also think I would be better off alone for good.

MitchAnd Maureen--



I have told a few of my closest friends and they are all about me walking!!!



And OH CRAP--I already feel like a virgin it has been so long!!!



He is a *** and it is just a matter of planning purposes (mostly finances) in order and I will be gone.



I am here to figure out this relationship with "jack".

He is the one I am concerned about. WE speak to each other several times a day, we work near each other, I have known him for a long time, we do lunch or breakfast at a nearby place in between our jobs and I just feel like things have progressed to a very strong emotional state.



He is having problems too and I am really trying hard to just be the voice of reason and a good friend. ( I also catch myself flirting with him more than I normally am with others) I just feel like this close attention is good but also really bad.



I am confused by this and want to make sure that this relationship doesn't get too crazy, KWIM?



Like I said no lines are crossed but he has said he loves me...which to me is relative. Love like a brother, friend, relative is how I take this but at the same time I think he means realtionship wise.



I am truly afraid that the "lack-of" vibe is being sent out too loud and I am sending signals that I do not know I am doing. (except when I KNOW I am flirting)



It is hard to explain but that is a little of it....

Thank you all for your comments-

Fungirlmmm I will take you up on your advice.



Do I talk with GFs the same as this male friend?-yes.

Have I included my hubby on things that me and the male friend talk about-?-yes (even if it is him)



Am I totally telling him everything?-no. Only because you tell your friends more than your spouse or your family.



I have been through all those questions with him-gay/cheating/divorce and so on.



Mitchand Maureen--I think you are so right that he would pretend---to an extent.



But how do I handle this without being a total ***** to everyone?

Irishchick1..just to know....fungirlmmm is very wise in these things. [ in my opinion ] and her advice is dead-on...she has helped me through a rough stretch of road, in my marriage, and I thank her for that...thank-you fungirlmmm !!!

What you are doing isn't cheating at this point IC but you know as well as I do that the emotional connection leads to a lot more with a lot of M/F relationships. Thank God I haven't gone there with Brand but with my previous male friend I did and it destroyed the good of our relationship. I wish you a lot of luck and if you want to chat with me one on one I will do that with you and I will tell you straight up about the relationship and the additional things I haven't shared in this open forum.

Thanks Avani-



That is why I started this post.

There are so many confusing issues with this.



Is it really cheating? Is it a stronger friendship?

ARRRGHHH! The lines have become so blurred that I cannot tell anymore.



I do love my husband and have been trying to work things out---he just feels everything is fine without sex.



My friend is here being suppotive and we do care about each other but nothing has crossed any lines.



I cannot say that I would totally give up my friend. Unless it is something that is truly blocking me & my husband from being intimate. (I want to have sex and he doesn't).



I know that if I were to leave my hubby--I don't think I would have sex with my friend. I love him but I just don't know if it is because I am vulnerable now...and then again sex would kill off the frienship, maybe?!



UGH!



I hope there is someone who can give me some sort of direction from their past experiences with this .....



Thanks for all the posts---I need all of them to sort things out.

Thanks--but I am unsure if this is truly cheating because we (my friend) have always been friends.



Do you think this is?

How would I prevent this from becoming that? Is it too late?



How would I end a friendship like this--one that has been for at least 16 years?

Thanks- You are right in a lot of ways. I was friends with this man before me & my husband got married. So this is not a new thing. I also do talk to my friend way more than I used to and even more than most GFs. I have been trying hard to evaluate my feelings with this friendship becausee both of us are in bad marriages.



The need to vent to someone that understands you is strong but I also know that this can be a double edged sword...meaning the attraction through being vulnerable. We have not crossed any sexual lines at all.



(Nothing-no hugging, kissing hello/good-bye or anything) I am a very affectionate person and this is quite hard for me.



I have talked to my friend about "losing ourselves" with people and each other. I never want that to happen. I do not want him to be clingy and for me to get "googey-eyed" etc. and forget who we really are to our families, jobs, and other friends.



So I am really trying to find a happy middle ground here if there really is one, KWIM?

IC,

Have you crossed the line with male "friend?" Does your spouse know about the special friend? I have a very similar relationship with a man that I am now rethinking because having him in my life is making it harder for me to form that intimate bond with others. He takes up a lot of my time which I don't care as we are always in the gym together or elsewhere. I think sometimes just because you label a relationship a friendship it doesnt mean that is true. If you find yourself thinking about your friend when you are having conversations with your spouse or when you are intimate. If you find yourself wanting more from your firend than basic friendship and you are spending more time on the phone with him than u do your female friends. If you have a stronger bond to man friend than anyone else ... etc you want to step back and re-evaluate the sitiation. If your husband doesn't know about the other guy it may be te thrill of having a secret friend and if you tell people about him that will take the shine off the relationship a little. Good luck because I was there.