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First Love To Emotional Affair . . .

I have just had to end an 18 month emotional affair and its breaking my heart!  I can't stop crying, my friends are fed up with my moaning and my work is suffering. Its the common scenario of meeting up again with my first love.  He has never been out of my mind if i'm truly honest.  I've loved him since the first date.  We have met up on the odd occasion over many years but we were both in relationships and it never became more than an enduring friendship. 
When his marriage ended he looked for a shoulder to cry on.  Worst thing that could have happened!  I was married not unhappily but the grass may always appear greener . . . We started as friends, I offered support and before I knew it I started to look for his emails, Texting openly then more furtively as the relationship progressed.  He became the first thing I thought each morning and the last thing at night.   I was so happy, everything i did was with him in mind!!  My marriage took a second place.  I can't believe the risks I took just to sit in his car and talk for hours. We talked of the future we would have together!  Nothing sexual or sordid, just being in his company was so wonderful. Being able to share our memories of the past and our childhood together made me question why we had never settled together!  Pure fantasy I know but he was a breath of fresh air to me!
I began to realise that it was going too far.  He wanted me to leave my marriage but I have teenage son who we both adore!  There was too high a price.  I ended the affair but mobile phones are too easy to use. On and on this went and each time we ended, the more passionate and all consuming it became!
I was in a nightmare situation.  I was fearful of my husband finding out as I was having to hide my phone making me more obvious. Then one evening he confronted me and I confessed .  It was a relief and i thought 'this is it, I am free to move on!  I moved into the spare room and for a month lived and shared my previously happy home with a man who was in despair at what i had done!  My husband lost two stone and I lived with my guilt and grief!  What my son must have thought of me I dont want to know.  Eventually I decided that the only way I could move on was to get a house, on my own.  The man in my life was delighted as he now felt we would have a good chance to be together as we had dreamt.   I moved out and it was agony. I missed my son and all things familiar.  Basically, I wanted my cake and to eat it as well.
My husband pleaded with me to come back and although i know i will never love him or desire him again I went back, for my son!
I had to end the relationship as it was part of the deal.  Which is only fair.  Now here I sit reading all the posts and crying at them all because you have all experienced similar things.  I am scared of the future now.  The man I was involved with has said that I have let him down and that we no longer have that rosy future that we planned and dreamed of and I feel that a huge part of me has died.  Going back to my husbands bed was the last straw and he no longer wants to keep in contact!!
I am devastated and am in despair!  I want comfort but the man I love is gone and I have to realise that my dreams are done!
Please think on, anyone who has started or thinking of becoming involved if you are already committed to a relationship!  its not worth the pain and torment.
I don't know how my future will be.  I live in dread of seeing him with a new love on his arm. I will never know what future we would have had together.  all I do know is that I will miss him forever! 
ij25 ij25 51-55 4 Responses Oct 7, 2011

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I don't know if this will help or possibly hurt you more than you are already hurting but I want you to know that I do not want to hurt you in anyway.<br />
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I suffered a similar affair although it was my wife having the affair. We had been married for 19 years at the time and it was devastating for me. I experienced a pretty poor life as a youngster although I wont go into details here, the effect of this upbringing results in an attitude of unbelievable trust in someone when your married for 19 years and have total faith in them and love them without any restrictions. You then feel as though you can not believe in anyone or anything, in fact you believe it is your fault because it always happens to you. Well I did not have enough courage or strength of character to leave her I cold not imagine a life without her and we are still together.<br />
BUT when an affair happens something is lost, you can forgive but inside the pain lives on and you exist more than live. The net result is I am a sad old man now and I still feel for my wife but she will never be my princess again. I am so alone within myself that I can not even begin to explain the way I feel. What a sad life! I will never make the change now as I feel I have nothing to offer anyone else, really I am destroyed and operate in a dream world. Even today I feel so sad and emotional and all of the things that were bad in my life as a young man haunt me even more now than before, It destroys your confidence and eats you away. I realise now that I should have had the courage to leave then, at least I could have faced myself in the mirror. Unless you have loved and have been betrayed you can never understand.

If you know what is stagnent in your marriage then you have won half of the battle. Becuase it is much easier to find what you are looking for as opposed to not knowing what you are running to or for. Emotional affairs from my experience is HARD. I'm thinking that things are great and they are for the few minutes that we talk or are together then BAM I can't get him off of my mind. Waiting for him to call waiting to hear what he has to say today.......no real day to day life experience with him.....quick kisses..while looking over our shoulders.....no where to go and talk when we do have a few minutes together.....what part of this is wrong I did not see before... now I do not know how I got here or how I am going to get out of it. My friend's wife caught him so I guess the ending will be his part.....I feel ok with that.......someone has to end it and that's a great reason to do it right....I really feel that he got caught on purpose and that's ok too......Just waiting on that call is hard and admitting that I want to end it will be hard too.....Although I do want to end it.........I loved it while it lasted.

Oh my, what a story ans so similar to what I have thought/felt. It has given me a lot to think about, but I still wonder. I too am married and my husband says he loves me though we have spent more of the last 26 year arguing than getting along! Actions speak louder than words and I often don't FEEL the love I want.<br />
My FL made me feel beautiful and cherished...So I wonder, do we not deserve that?<br />
I have kids (an 8 year old that is keeping me here right now), but they too are beginning to see their Dad in a different light. He expects perfection most of the time including from the 8 year old. We have never agreed on how to raise/ discipline the kids.<br />
I also was made to leave and forget about my first love by my husband over 20 year4s ago when my oldest was just a toddler. I often think how much easier it would have been to leave then, but I was too scared.<br />
I'll be 50 this year and while I always thought marriage was FOREVER, I wonder if it is fair for me to stay in a marriage that does not make me a better person. I am depressed, over-weight...my husband is lazy and when I try to get out and make changes I get no support. I have a lot of resentment towards him, yet when it's good it's really good.<br />
It's just not at all like I imagined...I finally found my FL phone number recently (I have looked off and on for the last 15 years without success) and I called today. I don't know what I would have done if anyone had answered, I got the machine. I'm not ready to talk to him, but I wish there was SOME contact (we are 1500 miles away from each other so no chance of meeting up).<br />
I am scared for all of the reasons you have said too. I just wonder if I am destined to remain in a stagnant marriage that doesn't always feel like love and hardly ever is romantic???<br />
Did I make my bed so to speak and now I must suffer the consequences or if there is a chance at true, deep, passionate, romantic, comfortable love should we not try it??<br />
I'm still reading your experiences and trying different things to see if I can find the answers and I truly appreciate you sharing your story!! It does make me pause...Boy, that was a purge!! I didn't think I had that much to say :o)<br />
My best to you friend...

I can relate to your story, but fortunately mine ended before my husband found out. I still love my first, and will always have the What If's. My first broke things off after his wife found out. I know his family had alot to do with it, with his last son graduating this year. I love my husband and family, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't still think of my first.