First Love To Emotional Affair . . .I have just had to end an 18 month emotional affair and its breaking my heart! I can't stop crying, my friends are fed up with my moaning and my work is suffering. Its the common scenario of meeting up again with my first love. He has never been out of my mind if i'm truly honest. I've loved him since the first date. We have met up on the odd occasion over many years but we were both in relationships and it never became more than an enduring friendship.
When his marriage ended he looked for a shoulder to cry on. Worst thing that could have happened! I was married not unhappily but the grass may always appear greener . . . We started as friends, I offered support and before I knew it I started to look for his emails, Texting openly then more furtively as the relationship progressed. He became the first thing I thought each morning and the last thing at night. I was so happy, everything i did was with him in mind!! My marriage took a second place. I can't believe the risks I took just to sit in his car and talk for hours. We talked of the future we would have together! Nothing sexual or sordid, just being in his company was so wonderful. Being able to share our memories of the past and our childhood together made me question why we had never settled together! Pure fantasy I know but he was a breath of fresh air to me!
I began to realise that it was going too far. He wanted me to leave my marriage but I have teenage son who we both adore! There was too high a price. I ended the affair but mobile phones are too easy to use. On and on this went and each time we ended, the more passionate and all consuming it became!
I was in a nightmare situation. I was fearful of my husband finding out as I was having to hide my phone making me more obvious. Then one evening he confronted me and I confessed . It was a relief and i thought 'this is it, I am free to move on! I moved into the spare room and for a month lived and shared my previously happy home with a man who was in despair at what i had done! My husband lost two stone and I lived with my guilt and grief! What my son must have thought of me I dont want to know. Eventually I decided that the only way I could move on was to get a house, on my own. The man in my life was delighted as he now felt we would have a good chance to be together as we had dreamt. I moved out and it was agony. I missed my son and all things familiar. Basically, I wanted my cake and to eat it as well.
My husband pleaded with me to come back and although i know i will never love him or desire him again I went back, for my son!
I had to end the relationship as it was part of the deal. Which is only fair. Now here I sit reading all the posts and crying at them all because you have all experienced similar things. I am scared of the future now. The man I was involved with has said that I have let him down and that we no longer have that rosy future that we planned and dreamed of and I feel that a huge part of me has died. Going back to my husbands bed was the last straw and he no longer wants to keep in contact!!
I am devastated and am in despair! I want comfort but the man I love is gone and I have to realise that my dreams are done!
Please think on, anyone who has started or thinking of becoming involved if you are already committed to a relationship! its not worth the pain and torment.
I don't know how my future will be. I live in dread of seeing him with a new love on his arm. I will never know what future we would have had together. all I do know is that I will miss him forever!