D-dayWell I did it. I broke my own heart to protect the man I love.
I was meant to be in court most of the day taking notes, but the case was postponed. So I did what I always do and went back to my office to do some work. As I walked in he was standing there, he smiled and said how beautiful I looked. My heart raced and stomached drop, all I could think of is I couldn't do this.
So yeah I'll skip details but I wrote him a letter as I knew I couldnt explain myself properly face to face, I gave him the letter and let him read it. Then there it was my heart just snapped in two when I saw the man I have fallen so desperately in love with cried. I never set out to hurt him and In my eyes I'm protecting him. I know many women in my shoes would do anything to 'elope' with their married man and ride off into the sunset. But I couldn't let him destroy his entire life to be with me. It wasn't fair on him. He would loose everything and I couldn't be the reason for that, this doesn't mean I love him any less. After he read the letter we spoke for hours about it, he said he respects my decision and that I will always be imprinted on his heart. (that just makes things worse)
The first thing he asked was, was it because of the age gap, I laughed (innappropriate or what) age is just a number, you cannot help who you fall in love with, I wouldn't change anything about him well apart from of he was single before this happened.
In one sense I am so glad that I have done this but in the other I feel
I'm not angry at my married man, I couldn't be he has done so much for me. He has taught me that I am able to trust someone enough to give them my heart again. I have dealt with heartbreak before and I became a very closed off person. He Is the most incredible man and I told him that I will always be there for him, but I just can't let him ruin his life.
I think talking afterwards really helped both of us, we know that we will always be close friends and if anyone needs the other we will be there to listen.
So yeah I did it, I can't say I'm happy but I know I did the right thing for me and him. My heart can heal and all I can say is at least I have closure, at least it wasn't broken through betrayal. I had to listen to my head because listening to my heart wouldn't of done any of us good. Who knows things might change in the future, even after this he still wants to leave his wife, that is his choice and I am trying to encourage him to work through it, but you cannot force anyone to do anything.
Many people have said that to heal from this situation you have to end all contact. Personally I don't think that would work. I don't think we can be back to close friends without crossing the line. I know we both have self-control, it shows as our relationship never turned sexual as neither of us were ready yet we wanted to. Yes crazy I know. Haha I also understand you can't just switch off loving someone, and I don't think I will ever stop loving him.
We shall see.