Advice? Should I Try To See Him, To Get Him Out Of My System?

From the title, I already know the "correct" answer. But let me explain anyway.

10 years ago, in a foreign country that I was living in for a year, I had a close friend (A man) that I thought i was falling in love with. He didn't feel the same way, and I took the rejection very hard. I always felt like there was some kind of "unfinished business", at least on my end.

When I left to come back home at the end of the year, he began emailing me. He missed me, he could still imagine hearing my laugh, etc. This was very gratifying in a way, but also really hurt, because I knew he didn't love me the same way. We never actually had any kind of romantic relationship.

Fast forward a few years, with minimal contact and my feelings towards him having changed to very platonic ones. I met and married my current husband, who I love very much, and I now have 2 beautiful kids. My life is good, mostly.

I began counseling in October 2012 to deal with childhood abuse from my past. This turned out to be much more difficult and traumatic than I expected. One night, the man from my past (who emailed and facbbooked back and forth with me occasionally) "chatted" me on facebook while I was in the middle of an extremely depressed and desperate mood. Somehow, he realized it, and asked me the right questions, and I found myself confiding in him. It was so much easier than talking to anyone else I know, even my husband, because it was all through typing! I didn't have to look at the person I was talking to or even worry about if they could hear my tears like they would if it was on the phone. It was a very big moment for me, where I realized I had kept some of my "true" self hidden from everyone I know, ever since I was a child. Through writing, I began to be able to express myself. Self expression is very scary for me, at least in some areas. So writing became the way to do it. My friend was very supportive, and he had also experienced a trauma in his past and been through counseling so he really understood and was able to ask very constructive questions, etc. I began sending him some emails with deep feelings (about my situation, not feelings about him), and I think, to be honest, I became somewhat dependent on him through our communications. I felt that no lines had been crossed, I didn't think of him romantically, but somehow I started to need that connection with him. (yes, I know this is crossing a line! But I didn't see it because I didn't feel "in love" with him or anything like that).

My husband and I began going through some really difficult marriage problems that came about partly through my counseling. I am discovering that I have not been my true self, and I am feeling so much pressure in our marriage to not change who I am, but to just keep everything happy and easy.

The other man encouraged me to start exploring who I really am, to become who I am, to have dreams, to think of myself as an individual...all of the things that my spirit needed to begin to live again. (My husband would theoretically want these things, too, I think. But it's so hard to change your patterns of interaction with someone you live with, and I am meeting a lot of resistance from him)

My husband read some of my emails with my man-friend. He thought we were too close. He asked me to stop contacting him. I first thought that was too much to ask. But then, I began thinking maybe it was the best idea, because I should be relying on my husband more like that. We have since tried to be more open and "real". But we have had some terrible, almost violent arguments as a result. Being in this house with him has started to feel like I am suffocating, or that my soul is dying...even though I love him.

I wonder if subconsciously I am feeling suffocated because my other friendship feels like it has set me free, but I can't really have that.

I have not seen this man in 10 years. He lives overseas. I know I am not in love with him. It would never be my intention or desire to be with him in a romantic relationship, even though he is special to me.

*********But I really want to see him, to talk to him in person, to feel the awkwardness and the "wrongness" of that, and to seal that in my mind, so that I will see 100% that I don't want him in that way, that he is not "meant for me", that something like that wouldn't ever work, even if I were single and available. I guess I feel that if I did that, I could put it behind me and come back fully to my marriage relationship even though it's difficult.******

AM I KIDDING MYSELF???!!!! Should I try to see him?
kathpro kathpro
31-35, F
2 Responses Jan 23, 2013

i really don't know why you wan to have affiars with this guy live in another country, look like t your husband have lots headache paying bill i know i been down that road too, really all you want just to leave, is that the truth ....

Kathpro

You have answered by saying or asking it you are kidding yourself. You know whats right and whats wrong. You are much too young to not be happy. Life is really short. Please be happy with yourself. Once you are happy with yourself, the rest is easy. I hope only the very best for you. Digget

Thank you Digget. I think you have really made a good point. Maybe I need to focus on myself, become happy with myself, discover who I am. Instead of focusing on this relationship or that relationship. Maybe then "the rest is easy". Perhaps as I discover myself (instead of always living to make a relationship work, no matter what), if there IS a choice to be made, it will become very clear.