I Know Someone Who Is Very Close to Me...

I have a second cousin, who is two years older than me. He has two sisters. I only see him once a year. He lives in another state, but not so far away. I live in California, he lives near, still in the west. Every time he and his family come to visit us, i get more and more closer with them. We start talking more and have a great time. Mostly with him. The last time they came for a visit(which was last summer)i've noticed him staring at me sometimes. One time, I was coming out of the balcony and as I walked by, I noticed him staring at me for a long time. But it wasnt one of those dull and boring kind of stares, you know? He looked happy and he was smiling while staring at me, and as I looked back at him, he didnt stop. And i was like, "what?" and then there was a short pause and while looking away, he said, "nothing, nothing."  And one time, outside in the balcony, we were having a slow conversation, only the two of us, probably for the first time. In between our conversation, we would just stay silent and it felt very awkward. I was thinking of new topics to bring up, but overall we really enjoyed our conversation, he even mentioned that. After they left California and departed to their home, i got really sad and i missed all of so much, I missed him the most. All these months while we were away from each other, he was the only one who I would text, IM, and talk on the phone with the most. We never stopped chatting...He really cares for me and i care for him. He is a great cousin. We help each other a lot and I give him a lot of advice and he really appreciates it. When he is doing something, and I call him, I tell him that he can do whatever he is doing and i would say 'sorry for bothering you' and he would say 'no no no its ok, i want to talk to you, id rather talk to you than do this...' stuff like that...And he would want to protect me. We were once chatting on the phone, and he said, 'if anyone at my school does not like you, i will tell them to treat you with respect, id said 'hey this is my cousin, you better be nice to her' and we both just laughed after that. And one time, i was sick, and he said, 'i will pray for you'. I do the same for him, too. Every time we would finish up a conversation, we would end it by saying, 'i love you, cuz' or 'i love you, big/little cuz' or 'i love you'. one time he ended a conversation saying, 'i love you xoxoxoxoxo'. And we rarely teased each other. 

BUT...there is a twist. When he came back to school, he met a beautiful girl who is a year younger than her. And he fell deeply deeply in love with her. He did such nice things for her. I wasn't jealous at all, I helped him so much, gave him so much advice...everything I have explained in the previous paragraph after he left, all happened during the time when he loved that girl. I was never jealous, i really wanted to help him. And I did. Of course, there were lots of ups and downs between them. She really loved him back too, but she wasn't ready to have a relationship with him. They talked to each other a lot. It has been 7 months...and still no dating, and no boyfriend and girlfriend, there were always awkwardness when they talked in person, so they talked romantically in text messages...but he never gave up...and i would feel sorry for him when he felt really down and I would help him through the situation. He was happy that he had me to help and we still never stopped talking to each other, we still stayed close...

Last wednesday, I found out that cousin marriage was legal. My english teacher told us romantic experiences she had with her second cousin. It was so cute and funny. Thats when I started to think about him more and more...i asked myself, 'have I fallen in love with him (not the cousin love, the love love...)?' 'maybe, I might have...' I started asking myself a lot of questions, 'Now that he "has" her, does he really love me back too?' I wondered if he really loved loved me and had feelings for me. Maybe he likes that girl and me equally...idk. Not long ago, he told me that the only people he talks to the most is me and her. Now I realize that i maybe in love with him...my decision is not final. i came to think that 7 months, with her not acccepting my cousin if she wants to go out with him as well as other stuff, makes her not worth it for my cuz. Its not that i was very envious them...I PROBABLY began to feel TINCY WINCY jealous...but im not exactly sure.

I need answers. I can't and don't want to live through this big question mark for long. please help me...give me advice...

merseybeat57 merseybeat57
13-15
Mar 17, 2009