you dont have to jude your self haveyou done some things in the past then let it be ther and keep looking forewad and ugly ? there are always to sides of a head, so move forward, and always think on what monty pyton said Always look at the bride side of life, so keep on going sweethart.
You have plenty of time to make your life meaningful. You are so young. I was feeling similar when I was around your age. It's not to late to make a difference in the world.
You are only correct about one thing in your story - that existence is inherently meaningless. We are just here, and have evolved to have this tortuous consciousness by a fluke of nature. Life is what we make of it, although a lot of what happens is beyond our control, and it sucks. Just gotta keep breathing, and hope that you hit the numbers on the lotto :P
I've studied a lot of religions over the years and I haven't found one that has given me a satisfactory reason for life and the universe. But whereas from my perspective (smaller than a particle of dust on the cosmic scale) it just seems cruel and impartial to me, it could be that from a cosmic scale the whole cosmos is an amazing drama or dance of life and death. Entertainment for the gods perhaps?!
I feel that way sometimes, too...but I guess that comes along with breathing and dreaming. I got my problems and you've got yours, everyone does, no? But that doesn't mean we are THE problem and that we are incapable of making a positive difference in our lives or the lives of others. So, keep your head up, bub. Smiles. :)
You are not a screw up!!, your past actions do NOT make you who you are!! the only thing that matters now, is the choices we make that are in front of us TODAY!. if you have already learned from them, then forgive yourself of them. and live today as a new day :)
Most of the time i still love myself, even if i know that i'm sometimes disgusting, other times, much more frequently, i'm very very beautiful, and so are most people.
Why do you think your ugly? Did you do something mean or something?