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Never Loved My Appearance

Pretty much from the time I was in 4th grade, I never felt pretty and it started with my Trichotillomania. Fourth grade is when it started but I didn't get diagnosed until I was an adult (that's when I finally came out with it.) I pulled my eyebrows and eyelashes to the point I had none then started at the hair around my ears and forehead. I had beautiful long hair that I pulled so much that I pretty much was bald. My mother not sure of what was happening just shaved my head and tried to pretty me up by putting bow and flower wraps around my head. Despite that, I ended up looking like a boy and was constantly mistaken for a boy. From 4th grade to 8th grade, my head was always shaven (only relief I had from the hair pulling) and looked like a boy. I was picked on, insulted and bullied daily because of my appearance. Ninth grade I began to fight the pulling more so I could finally grow hair but then a new problem that still haunts me to this day popped up; acne. I've always had really bad acne all over my face, neck, chest, shoulders and back and all have left horrible blemishes that either never heal or take forever to go away. I've tried so many over the counter products and even gone to a dermatologist many times. Not much is helping with my skin discolorations. So now I have horribly damaged hair that makes me look like a guy and bad skin. Then more added to my problems. My body never really aged much. I'm currently 23 and I have the body of a 12 year old. I'm short, really skinny with no shape and can only wear a training bra because my chest barely grew. Some clothes in the juniors area are still big on me so I have to shop in the girls section. To wrap it all up, I have a balding head with bad hair, bad skin, look like a child and look like boy. I have been turned down many times because of my appearance even though I try so hard to fix it. My hair is doing better now but still not great and my chest finally made it to a point it looks like I have something there and I discovered a painful way to remove the blemishes but it works. I've never felt pretty. What I see in the mirror is not what I want to see even on a day I feel good about myself. I'm always around women that have what I want and look the way I want and it's torture. I just want to feel attractive and not some scrawny wet rat.
SymphonicMelody SymphonicMelody 22-25, F 2 Responses Nov 18, 2011

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check out ViolaDarling. she also has experience with trichotillomania.

I hear that, just try to muddle on through, that's the best advice I can give you. I may not be girl, but I know what it's like to be bullied. If you're having a hard time muddling through and you even think of ending it all, just suck it up and get on with your life.