The Pain

My Face is scared and my spirit is cold and dark. I question life just mine. Why did I have to grow up the way I did. Why me? I wear hoddies and caps to hide my face. I feel like a alien or a beast. I feel I will never find love again. Sometimes its hard to get up out of bed or even look in the mirror. I can only dream that one day if i get things in order enough for plastic surgery that my luck and life will be different.

TheStray TheStray
22-25, F
6 Responses Apr 13, 2008

I have also had a similar experience in being ashamed of my face and wanting to hide it. I hope that in sharing with you how I handled this may help to give you some ideas on your own situation. <br />
The abuse delivered from culture to people who do not meet the standard is subtle and hard to pin down. Am I imagining it or am I really being treated differently to others? <br />
I began reading books like Naomi Wolf's 'The Beauty Myth'. Nope I am not imagining this behaviour, people really are being abusive, even if it is somewhat subtle. The next book I went to was 'Toxic Criticisms' Eric Maisel which helped define positive from negative criticisms and ways to deal with these criticisms. <br />
Around this time I was in radio and I was talking to a very good radio announcer. He mentioned personal pride and how people do not seem to be able to conduct themselves with any sense of personal pride. This is not in personal pride such as 'I think I am better than you' pride but more the type of pride that sets limits to how one behaves and what one is willing to except in way of being treated. <br />
Self defence classes were also good in raising esteem. I also looked to history to help in giving me an understanding of the world I am in. Many of the rights that we enjoy today were not handed to us by people in power sympathetic to our cause but were fought for and died for by people who believed in a better life for all. From the suffragettes fighting for the rights of women to the Martin Luther King fighting for the rights of black people to the Haymarket riot and the rally for better working conditions. <br />
Humanity has produce some amazing advances in technology scientifically, culturally etc. But on the whole we are living in a society that is endowed with a sickness of power juxtapositions. That is: if you do not look attractive or like the power group there is something wrong with you and you deserve the treatment you receive. Media is full of this ideology (social darwinism, eugenics etc).<br />
History is written by the winners often altered to make them look good and to put the blame of difference or failure onto people who do not measure up. <br />
Whenever I feel the black dog of depression on me I always conjure up in my mind the image of the Black power salute from Tommie Smith and John Carlos at the Olympics in Mexico in 1968. What those guys did took a lot of guts and they paid a heavy price for it to! The message this gives me is that standing up for your rights on how you want to be treated is a hard road to take. I realise that I am not alone in my fight to exist on this planet or partake in activities.<br />
Some other reading/viewing material:<br />
'Controlling People' Patricia Evens (Book) – gives good account of how when people look at others they automatically assume....looks at power at play and ways of stopping this assumption. <br />
'Blue Eyed' Jane Elliot (Documentary) – looks at racism, sexism and power juxtaposition in culture.<br />
'The Filth and the Fury' Sex Pistols (Documentary) – John Lydon (Johnny Rotten) talking about being appalled by what he saw around him growing up in London and his reaction to it. <br />
Also look at semiotics and the science of signs often used by media to sell an idea etc. <br />
Anyway I hope some of this helps....<br />
A quote I like...<br />
'Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are'. St. Augustine

hey......listen..if u need somebody to talk to..u can email me at i can help you..all i can do is try:)

hey......listen..if u need somebody to talk to..u can email me at i can help you..all i can do is try:)

Well I been thru alot of stress cuz of a mistake I did last year. My went thru changes and its never been the same. I broke out in alot of acne on my face and back. I was so depress from the outlook that I used different acme cleaners and products to try and fight it but things did not work out. I even was crazy enough to use a foot stone to scrub my face and damage the sides of my cheeks to rip skin. It healed but nothing change. I used different soaps and some lessen the acne but the dark spots are still there. I use bleack creams too to lighen my darks spots and hopely all of my skin from getting to dark. I now have a spot on my face the size of a nickel where something bit me on my face when I was sleeping I think a spider and it burned. I used alcohol pad to clean it and placed antibotic cream on. Now I have a heal pink circle because the skin scab came off. My skin pores are large and my face look old yet im young in my mid 20's. Im so depressed I cry every now and then and wear hoodies and caps becuz i am ashame of my face. I need help find the right color for my skin the last time I bought something i relized it made my skin look red. So I given up on keep buying new make becuz I don't want to waste money.

I don't have any scars, but I do relate to what you're saying in that I've always felt, being unattractive, that people often look away after seeing my face. It's hard not to be envious of all the beautiful people out there, who others are naturally drawn to, who are stared at, their faces so appealing – and who, I feel, are treated much more attentively by those that don’t know them, out in the world. Just human nature I guess.<br />
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I've gone through times where I don't feel like leaving the house, after repeatedly noticing strangers seeming brisk or uncomfortable, or looking away, while out ordering a coffee, chatting with a sales person, standing in line.<br />
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I hope it isn't presumptuous of me to relate my feeling particularly unattractive to your experience with facial scars, especially without knowing how severe things are. But I do know how it feels to notice people looking away quickly. Such a hurtful feeling. And not just as a rejection, but also in the reminder that appearance is and will be a real barrier to making new friends, or having warm interactions with strangers.<br />
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A friend once told me she was amazed at how confident I sound talking over the phone with people I don’t know. I had to laugh when I realized why.<br />
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Don't really have any advice to offer, other than to say that familiarity can overcome physical unattractiveness. What I mean to say is that, in my experience, strangers may always flinch, but if circumstances bring you into repeated contact with someone, then perhaps some of them start to become comfortable with what is unattractive, and notice it less, and start relating to the real you. Putting yourself in situations where others are repeatedly around you, beyond an initial rejection – like joining a recreational sport league – might help with that, and might improve the odds of meeting a really great person that you like and that likes you.<br />
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Sorry if this sounds “preachy”.

why is your face scarred? were you in some sort of accident?