Well The Group Title Is Pretty Self Explanatory, Except That I Know.

I don't even know why I'm doing this. Maybe cause I've tried everything.
The ugliness comes from the core of myself. Without even having the faintest idea of what my self is supposed to be.
I'm not expecting anything, just curious to see how other people would think about or react to such theories or truths.
I'm also not fishing for any sort of reassurance because, pardon my negativity or stoicalness, nothing seems to work anymore.
Anonymity grants such courage sometimes.
So here's the background story, put across as factually as I can, 17, Chinese, 5'5, 114 lbs.
I like sports, I've been doing BJJ and Muay Thai for about 7 months now, before I was playing basketball for 5 years. Also in a hip hop dance club but I'm not any good at it.
I'm not smart, but I'm not that ignorant also, or at least I hope I'm not.
Body image always seemed secondary to my self disgust, though I would call it "knowing myself".
There's always a void no matter what I do.
I'm never satisfied with myself. Horribly disgusted at the notion of any expectations.
Within my head my thoughts ricochet off the walls it's ridiculous.
Really fast too, I can't even process all of it before it moves on.
Passing statements can be so impactful, they don't even know.
It's hard to piece my thoughts together so this could be a little incoherent, I apologise.
Like I was saying, passing statements.
A simple "Why not you go and die", with no ill intent, sets off a whole episode.
"How did you know I couldn't bring myself to cause I'm afraid of death, afraid of it being so unknown. Are you really asking me to? I don't suppose you realise that I'm not worthy for Death. I may never be. Don't take death so lightly. Do you understand what you're saying."
So on and so forth.
It's so ugly how I can't even take a joke.
Other statements of a lighter nature could go, "What the hell are you wearing", accompanied with an incredulous look.
Since I drown myself in school and training I don't usually dress up, just so happened I wore something I usually wouldn't, hence the comment.
It stays etched in my mind.
The internal ugliness, what with all the self pity and wallowing, I can handle, I can suppress, no one will know.
The external one, I can't control their mouths or thoughts, the looks they throw.
And that just hits home right there.
It isn't fun being ugly, the only way to alleviate that is to make fun of yourself before any of them can.
But one day you'll break because it's too much.
Try to think of the worst insults before anyone else possibly can.
It's not my fault that I was born ugly was I.
I tried to work out to make up for the fact that my face is beyond salvation, to the point that I would think that cosmetics or dressing up would prove to be too much an attempt.
I used to try and cover up but not anymore.
It would seem like I'm trying too hard.
Like anyone who looked at me would be thinking in their heads,"You gotta be kidding me, you think make up's gonna save you?"

This was all over the place and pretty lengthy so if you've even gotten here then, kudos to you.
I can't catch up with my thoughts anymore so this is it.
movingtalismans movingtalismans
18-21, F
5 Responses Sep 18, 2012

Hey Moving Talismans, please don't talk at yourself like that. I'm sure that you're beautiful, inside and out.
Remember, don't dress like something you're not- just because a fashon mogul thinks you should, be yourself!
I personally think, a girl doesn't need makeup to be pretty, you can do without it, I'm sure.
A Chinese girl, 5 foot 5, 114 lbs (how much in kilos?), who does martial arts? There's nothing ugly about that. ;)

Now you know everyone thinks you're beautiful how about a photo showing your true beauty but don't feel pressured. Where exactly do you live? Me in the u k. Lots of love

Is that you in the photo? Looks like a female Mick Jagger and I mean that as a compliment. Sending love.

sorry to disappoint but no, that's not me in the picture. guess it's time to change that picture.

First of all, your beautiful. I love reading your stories, and I recommend getting some help and counseling right away. Also, I am sure you have some extremely wonderful gifts! You seem to be really open minded and creative. So many "pretty girls" and stupid, literally and we all grow old, and nobody can keep their looks forever anyhow. I've never met you, but I already can tell your someone who I enjoy talking too..which is more then I can say about a lot of people. I'm sure your smart, but maybe you haven't found what you love, and when you do, you'll do great...but you need something to be passionate about. I'm the same...if I don't care, I'm not gonna be good at it. Find what you love, and when you do..do it with all your heart and I'm sure you'll amaze yourself! There is SO much more then looks in life, I'd rather have someone to be real with and talk about things that matter...then superficial things like hair...there's enough superficial people in the world. Embrace who you are, and write a story about the Rest of your life...like your dreams, and focus on them! Ya know...beautiful, less beautiful...we're all insecure...we're human...and nobody is perfect. So we need to be the best US and others will be attracted to our realness and love. Your loved! And beautiful :)

We're all beautiful!

I don't know how else to respond but thank you!

:)

come on, have some faith in yourself! No one is ugly, alright? What makes you think that you are? the only thing that probably makes women think that they're ugly is the false image, of how a beautiful woman looks like. We all see in Tv, internet, magazines how women look and there they look beautiful and society, they accept it as a norm, when in reality it's nothing but a fake image. All of it is Bs, you just have to focus on your positive qualities, not the negative ones, because when you focus on negative things, you tend to see them more often than the rest.

you say that people look at you like this " o.O ", but that's just a high expectation, that they have, which eventually will get lower. Don't think about such people, there are others that you should be concerned about. Think about those, who make you smile, feel jolly, who appreciate who you are!

Holy shiet you read everything.. haha appreciate that.
Really sorry you had to go through all that, was in a pretty bad mood when I wrote all of it.
Thanks though :)

Lol, no worries. It wasn't that long actually. :)