I Don't Think...i Know
I cannot look into a mirror. But I don’t cry if I do - I laugh. I laugh because I am a cosmic freaking joke. It’s hard to describe myself and paint you a picture so that you can share in the laughter and disgust. To be honest, I don’t think I could stomach it.
I don’t usually hate myself. Right now I do but not usually. It comes and goes, most of the time it starts at the end of an obsession. I don’t stalk people or anything like that; what I mean is…well take my latest. I am a Harry Potter fan. I was recently talking to a friend about why I don’t like the movies. I told him I would watch them again and write down what it is that I don’t like. I couldn’t make it through the first 15 minutes of the first one.
So I decided to read the books instead. I am an incredibly…I don’t know what the word is or even if there is one; I guess the best way to describe it is I see the movie (of whatever I am reading) in my mind. The pictures, the sounds, the soundtrack, the camera angles, the lighting, everything. Long story short, I obsess over something to the point where I go to sleep with it, wake up with it, carry it around all day…and then it’s over.
And that is the way in which I do things. I’ll obsess over one thing until I exhaust it. And then I am depressed. I see others living the life that I know I should. I know that I can do better, far better than they could ever hope to (arrogance anyone). That’s when you add a feeling of hopelessness to the depression. Out of hopelessness comes a desire to change my lifestyle so that I can pursue those dreams, but I can’t because I have responsibilities that preclude me from taking those steps which makes me to feel trapped. Because I feel trapped, I start to place blame on those I am responsible for. And that leads to self-loathing because it isn’t their fault.
Then I look in the mirror and realize what an ugly git, both inside and outside; I am going in circles and I just want it all to stop and I wish that I could find myself in a better place but I shouldn’t because a lot men wait an entire life time to have what I have and I should feel grateful but I don’t; I want more, I want what was promised me when someone told me I was special but I know that I am not; but dang it I have so many good ideas locked in my head and if I only knew a little bit more I could get them out there and the world would be a slightly better place for it because I am happy.
That is only one example of an obsession. I have dozens. And they all end the same way. I believe it is because I am not satisfied. And I feel guilty because I know I should be.
And there you go. A rock solid reason to feel ugly. What can I say, I got fat cheeks (the ones on my face I mean).