I Hate Myself.
I've known I was ugly all my life. I've tried to kill myself only 4 times in my life, the first time was in the 5th grade. The only reason I'm still alive is because I'm afraid I won't do it right and end up a vegetable and I'm terrified of not knowing what comes after death. I often feel like I belong in a mental facility and it's all because of my insecurities. Nobody can understand how I feel about myself. Being called fat is one thing but when people my own race make fun of my color it hurts. How can someone say black is beautiful and then put someone down because you think they are TOO BLACK?My mom often gets upset with me because she doesn't understand why I just want to be alone half the time. I hate being alone but being alone is easy. Nobody can stare at me or laugh at me. I don't have to act fake and pretend to be someone I'm not. My friends and my family press me to be social but its hard when my mind is poisoning itself. How can I answer a question someone asked me when I'm thinking about if my stomach looks gross in the shirt I'm wearing, or if my breath stinks, or if I'm making to much eye contact. Those all sound silly but there is more. I think about whether I'm standing funny, if my hair is sticking up, if I'm smiling to much, if my nail polish is chipped. A million things race through my mind at once and my heart beats fast and my hands start to shake and I just shut down. I go in a corner and avoid everyone or complain until I get my way and my friends take me home. I want to be able to be social but I can't even carry a conversation with a stranger without having a mini panic attack worrying about how I look. I let my friends convince me to go out to a club. I made them promise not to leave me but as soon as we walked in the door we got separated. They had guys dancing all over them all night. I looked like a reject dancing by myself and whenever I actually enjoyed a song I caught people staring at me with a look of disgust. I lost alot of weight over the summer and was starting to feel pretty good about myself. I vowed to exercise all winter and stay healthy but I don't even like going to the gym anymore. I don't like being around anyone because no one likes being around me. I feel like I'm better off dead.