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I Hate Myself.

I've known I was ugly all my life. I've tried to kill myself only 4 times in my life, the first time was in the 5th grade. The only reason I'm still alive is because I'm afraid I won't do it right and end up a vegetable and I'm terrified of not knowing what comes after death. I often feel like I belong in a mental facility and it's all because of my insecurities. Nobody can understand how I feel about myself. Being called fat is one thing but when people my own race make fun of my color it hurts. How can someone say black is beautiful and then put someone down because you think they are TOO BLACK?My mom often gets upset with me because she doesn't understand why I just want to be alone half the time. I hate being alone but being alone is easy. Nobody can stare at me or laugh at me. I don't have to act fake and pretend to be someone I'm not. My friends and my family press me to be social but its hard when my mind is poisoning itself. How can I answer a question someone asked me when I'm thinking about if my stomach looks gross in the shirt I'm wearing, or if my breath stinks, or if I'm making to much eye contact. Those all sound silly but there is more. I think about whether I'm standing funny, if my hair is sticking up, if I'm smiling to much, if my nail polish is chipped. A million things race through my mind at once and my heart beats fast and my hands start to shake and I just shut down. I go in a corner and avoid everyone or complain until I get my way and my friends take me home. I want to be able to be social but I can't even carry a conversation with a stranger without having a mini panic attack worrying about how I look. I let my friends convince me to go out to a club. I made them promise not to leave me but as soon as we walked in the door we got separated. They had guys dancing all over them all night. I looked like a reject dancing by myself and whenever I actually enjoyed a song I caught people staring at me with a look of disgust. I lost alot of weight over the summer and was starting to feel pretty good about myself. I vowed to exercise all winter and stay healthy but I don't even like going to the gym anymore. I don't like being around anyone because no one likes being around me. I feel like I'm better off dead.
ShyChocolate12 ShyChocolate12 18-21, F 10 Responses Nov 9, 2012

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Please don't say u would b better off dead. I felt that way all the while growing up. My sisters were prettier, more popular. Please do not give up on yourself. I promise there is someone out there who will see the beauty and love u unconditionally. I promise

people are always going to try and pick at every little thing with you. They get satisfaction out of it because they feel insecure with themselves. I was made fun of about everything. called fat, ugly, so many times by so many people. I mean, a bully who I went to high school with once made fun of me because I hadn't had my first kiss yet. I was 14!! But I realized.. they're only trying to fight their own insecurities. A good quote to think about..."When people hurt you over and over, think of them like sand paper. They may scratch and hurt you a bit, but in the end, you end up polished and they end up useless"..Chris Colfer. They will keep trying to hurt you, but you will eventually feel good with yourself. But they won't. because all they have been doing is putting you and i'm sure others down. DOn't think about what others think about you. Just be yourself and say I don't care what anyone thinks of me!

Be yourself cause every1 is different I'm veeeeeeeeery shy

you are so stupid to even thank of killing your self I don't fell and for you at all you are scared of killing your self good no Brody against any body to die:'(

"Beauty comes from within," I used to hate hearing that. However, let me let you in on a little secret. Beauty comes with confidence. I'm no beauty queen, however the moment I stopped worrying about what other people thought of me and started seeing the 'beauty' within myself people started to be attracted to me. It started small. At first it was 'hey I draw well' then it was 'I like my feet', then it moved on to more personal things like' I can make people laugh'. I tried to find one thing to compliment myself on every day, even when I didn't want to. I kept a journal and in it I wrote every day what I found to like. On bad days I would look back at what I had written and that helped. Eventually I came to the point where I realized that no one thinks they are beautiful. There is always something they find 'ugly' about themselves. So long as you can learn to balance it out you will do fine. The worlds not done with you yet honey. Start small. Find what makes you worth while to yourself. I will never win a beauty pageant, but I love who I am. When you can love who you are others will be drawn to you as well. Once you start to see yourself as worthwhile others will to.Best of wishes to you Dear, the worlds not done with you yet and don't let you be done with the world yet either there is so much more out there.

that was very nice I loved it

Hmm I guess the main problem for you
is being 'fat'.

And I understand you
not to go to the gym
when you don't see light
at the end of the tunnel.

Ok this is a problem
but the good news is
that all problems can be solved.

I am not from Weight-Watchers
or I am a Doctor, but..

If you like to eat
and you feel inside that it is too much,
separate the food
and take it to the near forest
or some other kind of nature.

Lay it down there,
sacrifice it.

In doing this
you do something useful for others
and you keep moving your body
and you don't waste time
with negative thoughts.

Best Regards,
qweet

My Friend, be strong we're all here for a reason. Don't let go of hope or faith. Know that every storm comes to an end.

<3

I look at it this way. I am hoping the Mayans are right about 12/21/2012. I been wanting to kill myself because of people making me feel like sh**t most of my life. Why should i not want to take them with me.
I feel the same as you do about killing yourself . I don't want to end up as a vegetable if I don't do it right and not knowing whats on the other side of death could be worse.But I can't see how

I love people like u I have the same problem people make fun of my thin body I have same feelings as yours but one thing helps me a lot standing against them that's believe that God almighty loves people more like us , God don't like committing suicide, this world is just an examination we have been checking here either we are good or not, we will be enter into paradise or hell based on our good or bad deeds. Just bear this world like me, suicide is a big sin don't think of it . I bet my life is more harder than you sometimes I dont find food to eat whole day, no good cloths, I m poor. I have firm faith that God Almighty will bless me for what I bear for him.

im sorry for what you have to go through. I'm trying hard to have faith

Read this book it helps a lot to make faith strong, it has answers of your questions u ask here , I hope u will feel very comfort after reading this book I pray for u.download book http://www.clearquran.com/downloads/quran-in-modern-english.pdf

I wouldn't tell you I know how you feel because even if I do it wouldn't help. I also won't pretend that I have an answer because besides feeling ugly myself my mother never hesitates to put me down over how I look, what I wear and things like that.

I will only tell you to stay strong and that I am here if things got too tough.

Thank you. Knowing someone understands makes me feel better.

You are welcome.

I deal with her harsh words by not letting her have the satisfaction of seeing me down, then I would vent out away from her. Try doing that, it may help. :)