I Know I Am Ugly

Well...im married, and have kids, live with my wife. It's been rough. In other groups, ive shared how we arent close, she doesn't want sex from me and has tried to cheat on me. We stopped having sex, we stopped all affectionate acts. Not because I wanted to, but because it's always been me initiating it, to the point it just seem like im doing it against her will.

I confronted her about it again, and she finally just gave up with the lies and told me the truth. she said:

I'm ugly. when she looks at me she says "eww ugly" in her head. im the ugliest person shes been with, including the guys that ran a train on her, and the two other guys that raped her. My eyes, and nose are too small, and my lips are too big. she said im fat, and doesn't like sex with me. the other guys dicks we bigger than mine (yes the people that did those things to her) and that they felt better than i do. she hates my skin color. she only married me because of how much i love her, and she didn't want to be alone. This isn't my insecurities saying this, this is what came out of her mouth, and seemingly not out of anger, but truth.

Im not rich. i dont have enough money to get surgery. I have lost a lot almost 100lbs, and it still doesn't matter to her. If my face is ugly to her, what can I do?

I am considering suicide, very very strongly, but I dont want to leave my kids alone with her. I'm cant look in the mirror without crying. She stood in the mirror with me and pointed out everything on my face she hates. Now I see what she sees, and im ashamed of myself for not seeing it sooner.

Ayoh Ayoh
22-25, M
1 Response Dec 4, 2012

Most of the stories on here are from women, not men, and mostly from younger women. For a man, I always think that looks don't matter that much. BUT, if your perception of how you look means that you lose self-confidence, then that DOES matter.
I used to consider myself a bit ugly. Not enormously ugly, but not good looking either. But I've never found it an obstacle with women. Indeed, I've dated some extremely attractive women in my youth, including a model. And as I've aged, I have come to realise that age, weight, looks etc. matter very little in fact. It's having self confidence and interacting naturally and comfortably with women, having a sensitivity to their feelings, needs, desires and so on.
What your wife said is extremely cruel. She may not have said it in anger, but she said it thoughtlessly and with a complete disregard for your feelings. She would have found something to criticise no matter what you look like. How would she have reacted if you pointed out all her faults? You say she is looking for affairs. Well, if my wife criticised me like that and behaved like that then I would be the one having affairs. Perhaps I'd chose an ugly woman. My previous story on here is in fact about my attraction to an extremely ugly woman.
I would urge you not to do anything foolish, and to work on building up your self-image and sense of self-worth. Your wife wants a metaphorical kick up the a***. You are more than what you look like, a whole lot more. Focus on changing what you can change (like attitudes and behaviours) and don't give a stuff about what you look like.