My Insecurity In Which Dishearts Me...When I was younger..._age 1-7_...I went through a lot more than all the other kids at my school...and if they DiD go through what I went through, then they hid it quite well. Anyway, everything hurt me....and I grew shy...painfully shy. I couldn't even say 'Hi' to people I didn't know...I was always sad, and I didn't like to hang out with the other kids. When on the playground I would try to sit next to the teachers...but they would send me away to 'play' with the other kids. I would go and hide somewhere where the other kids weren't playing. I would do my best to stay away from them...but it usually didn't work.
They would run up and throw dirt, grass, or mulch at me. They would always find new names to call me...each one worse than the last. I had glasses, and they would call me a 'four-eyed freak'. I have a lot of freckles...so they would 'play a game' (every day) that involved me and my many freckles...they would say "Connie has chicken pocks, don't let her get near you, or you'll turn into a freak like her and die!"
I would run over to the teachers crying, and on my way over there, a lot of the kids I passed would throw rocks or sticks at me...One girl acted like my friend. Then after I went over to her house, she told everyone at school, and her parents, that I was a thief and I tried to steal her toys. A year later, a boy, Austin, that I had a crush on said he like me. We were 'bf/gf' for a week or two...then he 'broke up with me'...saying he was just using me to get closer to me so he could hurt me worse...he actually TOLD me that...and that he did it because his friends told him to. Things like this continued for 10 years....
It got so much worse in middle school...the kids would call me fat, and say I was a freak....I was still shy, and insanely soft hearted...if ANYONE yelled at me, I would cry silent tears that would refuse to stop. I was always afraid, because kids would threaten me. One girl hated me so much (of course, just my luck, she was one of the most popular), and for no reason, that she told everyone I was a *****, I was a lesbian, I was a liar and a thief, I was cheap, and stupid. in seventh grade she told everyone a huge secret that I had told her in sixth grade (one that almost ruined my life).
Things got so bad that girls were threatening to jump me, and I stopped going outside when we went outside for our 'free time'. I got into fights almost every day, and a lot of times it would be just because the girls didn't like me, because of rumors. The guy would say things about me that I will not write down...I haven't told anyone in my family or any of my friends what the guys said about me because it hurts so bad...
At almost the end of the year, my dad got remarried, and she told him I needed to move schools...she was right. By this time, at only 12 years old !, I had no self confidence. I wrapped my jacket around my waist and actually zipped it up, like a skirt, over my blue jeans...to hide my HUGE thighs...*I was a sizes 6 and 7 btw*. I would cake on make up to hide my freckles, as well as wear only long sleeves to hide my other freckles, as well as to hide my scars from my self harm...
I would burst into tears if someone made me take off the jacket around my waist, or the long sleeves on my arms...I came home every day and cried. I only had one friend, and her name was Diana. She was my BESTfriend, and my wifie. She never turned on me. We were excactly alike, and she was amazing. EVERYONE loved her...I ran into her two weeks ago at a military ball that I was going to with my boyfriend...she is still amazing <3
Anyway...it's been almost two years since then. I still don't see any beauty in my body or my face. But I have confidence. I'm the type who wears dark colors, skinny jeans, and converse. I take care of myself. I smile more. I got contacts. I am popular, but not in a 'prep' or 'athlete' way. I am not bullied. I haven't been for the past two years. I stand up for anyone I see being bullied. In January, I am opening a bullying organization to STOP BULLYING. I'm not really happy, but I've moved on from my past, and I will NEVER go back.
If anyone needs help with bullying, abuse, problems with self confidence...pls mssg me. I will do my best to help you....Because in the past two years...I have found a way to love myself. I'm not shy anymore. I love myself. I am still extremely soft hearted. I still self harm...but I am okay now. All because my step mom loved me enough to pull me out of the situation that was breaking me and grinding me down to nothing.
Which just goes to show, no matter how many people hate, there is always at least one or two people who love you... <3
ConnieWhoHurts 18-21, F 3 Responses 0 Dec 27, 2012