When I Look In The Mirror I Cry

I am a transiri oning female who in my opinion is as ugly as they get. i cannot break the mold that sentences me to a lifetime of misery. my md said that he could make me a female but not a pretty one. i often have considered many options inc cutting my face to ribbons with a razor saying that i had a horrible car accident and that it was not my fault. i cannot even post my real pic here and anyhwere on the internet that is how much hate i have for what i see. I have quit looking at other women they are all so beautiful and i have no features that make me anything but - ugly. makes me wonder why I wanted to transition in the first place fgy or all I did beofre was work hard and never ever look in the mirror my work gave me pleasure not my looks of course since I could create something really nice now I am stuck with a body that is weak ugly and face that is discusting to look at in my opinion. I have never hated myself so much. this was supposed to be a wonderful joiurney now turned into a horrible tomb that is consuming all of my energy since i am never going out in public without a mask on of somesorts . I have no money to correct tthis either being a caregiver i can only hope that i die soon and that i leave this earth knowing that there will be no more pain I am not a drag queen either and refuse to use body putty to hide my horrible features and masculine face that i would like to have someone beat the crap out of so i could get some surgery done at the states cost. Peoplle wonder why i am like this. i have not dated am without kids am sterile for a good reason for i want nobody to suffer like me. death is welcome here. I feell worhtless and just want a nice womans face that has eluded me for all my life. i am getting older now thank god for my tum is comming. a voice that sounds female may help this ugly person but still ugly. I just took another high dose of estrogen that would kill a horse. th eterapists can use my example of what not to do with a patient this has no bearing on my companion who does not think this way. these are my thoughts only and mine alone.
I am now going to delete every photo of me that I have
I have no way out and there is no way that I can see any worth in my being I just wanted to leave a parting letter in case I decide to end my pain this is it god damn this body of mine.
Lyndsey2u Lyndsey2u
61-65, T
3 Responses Jan 16, 2013

Thank you for the letters! I am as a matter of fact a caregiver to a mom with Alzheimer;s and dementia, two people that need my help have moved in with me even a dog, lol and it seems that i always used to give of myself even to the point of sacrificing my self-- one day saving 4 drowning little girls and being a ski patrol person that found a victim at the last sweep of the day in -100 degree cold when i drove an Arctic Cat snow vehicle to the top of the mountain to get to them but i am not going to blow my own horn i just wanted to see a pattern of what i did in the past and yea it is correct that i gave all i had and still do to this between them and eternity is you and your face and hands reaching for them--

I just got done reading about your feelings of insecurity and unattractiveness. Personally, I think you are being too hard on yourself. We are all overly critical of ourselves; true beauty is in the eye of the beholder And beauty does not encompass only physical attributes. Maybe a good start to feeling better might be to think about your attributes. In your story, I get a sense of compassion; that is something sorely lacking in todays society

I know this might not make you feel better, but I read in one of your other stories that you helped people. To me that makes you beautiful. Please remember physical beauty fades, but inner beauty like you posses doesn't. Please feel free to message me. God bless. Hug hug