You Bet I Am

I didn't know this site existed! I'm having a bad weekend so I am so glad I found it. I don't think I am ugly, I know it. So grotesque and fat my husband is ashamed to be seen with me. My face is deformed. I needed braces and have never been able to get them. It would have helped but what I really need is to have my face broken and reset. Maybe then I wouldn't have the ugly hideous mouth and would have a chin. Just one please! My forehead is too short. It is said you can tell how intelligent an animal is by the eyes, mine show how vacant and stupid I am. My nose is too short, skin splotchy and pasty. Hair is dull and flat. As far as figure I am meant to be scrawny slim and used to turn heads when I was but now I am built like a badly out of shape old football player with backfat and a sagging chest. I have a gargantuan U-G-L-Y torso. My husband once told me his ex-wife had been slim when they got married but quickly got very fat and talked about how disgusted he was with the fat and how unattractive he found her. I asked how fat and he said a size 10. She's a couple of inches taller than me and most of my stuff is a 10 I have a pair of jeans in a 12 so I cut the tags out)  so that explains why he wants no physical contact with me. About 6 years ago when we were engaged I wore a 6 and he came by my office one day asking what I was doing. I said I was thinking of what I might have for lunch and he said it wouldn't hurt for me to skip it. It hurt me very much and he was offended that I couldn't take a joke. I know lots of women wear bigger sizes and I would be horrified if I offended anyone so please understand that other women look fantastic in much bigger sizes, I just have a terrible figure and the only way I look decent in clothes is to be skeletal. He is right, even in a 6 I look horrible and like the last thing I need is food.

I have apologized to my husband for being so embarrassing. Last night we were in the ER because he hurt his leg. I hadn't eaten since many hours earlier because I was so weak and ate a doughnut for breakfast. I had bought them for the office and didn't plan to have one but I caved. So no food for the rest of the day and we were in the ER for hours. I was getting a nauseating migraine and I asked him to rub my neck for some relief. He did but it made him mad.  He sighed deeply and gave me this I can't believe you would ask look, rubbed my neck for a few seconds during which he relayed to me all the things that need to be different and taken care of in the house. He hates for me to ask him to touch me and our physical life consists of him consenting to a couple of hugs maybe a week. On rare occasions he actually willingly give me one but most of the time when I ask for one he will do the sigh and always states problems like what I  need to do about my kids. It's the same if I tell him I love him, he will say he does too and then adds BUT and complains about something. If we go to the mall or any public place he walks in front of me or behind me because I am so fat and ugly he doesn't want to be seen with me. Anyway the rebuff when I had such a headache and was trying to help him last night hurt a lot. We finally got home and I heated some veggie soup to try to get some food in me and help my head. He then started in on me over my son's room and no way could I swallow. Had sleeping pills and went straight to bed instead. We have avoided each other all day. He had said he would take me to breakfast or lunch but if we stay mad at each other then he doesn't have to and subsequently be seen with me in public. My son has a medical condition so I can't afford cosmetic surgery to fix my face or body. I have thought of wearing a cover over my face, at least the lower half but am afraid it would attract more negative attention than just being ugly does. When my feelings are hurt I am mortified with embarrassment when he looks at me because however ugly I am always I am freakishly grotesque when I cry. I just wish I could find a rock to hide under.

GiGiLafoo GiGiLafoo
46-50, F
4 Responses Mar 13, 2010

I mean no disrespect, but I have to say that your man is a ****. He doesn't deserve you and I don't know why you put up with it. Throw his *** out. Call him fat. He's a disrespectful bum if he isn't treating you like a lady. This is a toxic relationship. I am sure that you are far prettier than he makes you feel. Find someone who will treat you right. Go get em, champ.

I know you've probably heard this before but honey you are fine the way you are. you have some self esteem issues but god made you the way you are for a reason. so don't beat yourself up for it. if you dont like something change it. get invisalign. try doing something special for yourself one day. go and sign up with a local gym. it should will help you lose more weight and become more active as well as give you more confidence.....<br />
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anyways i hoped i helped in someway and good luck to you honey. keep your head up..

I would get out of this relationship, for he has no respect for you, and you seem to have lost your own self respect as a result. I am sure that you have many positive qualities, and I would make a list of these immediately and read it frequently! And, God loves you at all times, so put that on your list too! If you could talk with a friend, a minister, or go to a therapist on your own... and free counseling can often be found in a local college's Dept. of Religion or Counseling, it would probably make you feel much better. And, no one is perfect, so don't worry about that! Good luck, and be brave as you start your new life!

I cried my heart out as I read this. I just spent over an hour typing to you and I got logged out again. I lost it all. There were no comments when I started mine. I can't recall all that I had said but hopefully I can remember the most important. First of all you are someone, you're a WOMAM! A mother, a wife, a neighbor, a daughter, a friend, a co-worker and so many more things....You're husband probably really is disgusted with his ex and that's why she IS his EX. But you are his wife NOW. You need to sit and speak with him about how you feel. He needs to know exactly how you're feeling so that you know where you're at with all of this. I've been anorexic 3 times in my life. Hospitalized with tubes and all that. And I've also been over weight. I know both sides of it. I had heart surgery a year and a half ago and gained weight AGAIN. We can't all be a size 5 anymore but 12 is NOT that big. You have one of the worst cases of low self esteem that I've ever heard of. You never said anything about your eyes, I bet they're beautiful or how about the shape of your face? You say you have a small nose? Probably that tiny nose that I's just about kill to have. I've always wanted a nose job and braces. I got neither. Some things we can work on and with. Other things we must accept as is. The key is to learn the difference. I think you may be seeing yourself through your husbands eyes. Only this may only be what you think he is seeing! He may think you are every bit as lovely as you truly are. You need to throw that batt away, you've beat yourself up way too much here. It broke my heart the more I read, the more I cried. My goodness, I wish I could remember all I wrote in the first comment. I hope that you have a good support system. It sounds as though you may not and if not then I hope you will find one one here. You can always message me. I'd be happy to hear from you and see how you're doing. I think you'd benefit from some therapy or a support group as well. When you have a few moments, sit down and think about all of the good things about yourself and write them down. Don't worry if you end up with a long list! It won't mean you're stuck up...it'll be a wonderful breakthrough. I so doubt that the people who know you see you as you see yourself. Please know that I'm on no way invalidating your feelings. No woman should ever, EVER have to feel this way. And so you must talk with your husband as well. I could use a diet buddy if you're interested? Oh and you're having migraines? You're starving yourself? This isn't healthy for you at all! You do not deserve this! You can't take care of your son, yourself, your husband, your home, your job, nothing...if you are not well yourself. You MUST take care of you first! You ARE worth it and you deserve SO much. I'm sure you are a lovely woman. I hope to hear from you and I hope all goes well with this for you. I will keep you in my prayers. All the best *hugz*<br />
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P.s..I'm so sorry, I wrote so so much and I lost it when I got signed out. I'm so upset bc I really felt maybe it could help. I really care and would like to see you feeling better!