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Not Pretty Enough To Be Loved Or Good Enough

It hurts when family-inlaw members go around saying I am ugly to insult me further after the sex abuse and rape they have done on me. 

When I was a little girl, I was never pretty.  I have extremely low self esteme and got teased heaps for my red hair and freckles.

luckily as time went on the freckles did fade and I learnt to live with my red hair.  but the whole time not one nice young man ever asked me out

or treated me right. I only ever had weirdo rude jerks who did nothing with their appearance and some would call me a vegitable or lezo, dog, I even hated beening called "mate" all the time.  It made me feel abnormal, like a freak retard. I was always treated ugly, dogish, or blokey by men and it has effected how I look at myself. 

When growing up as a teen

I looked ugly, I had freckles and pimples and a sad glum face, plumpy and had not money for fashionable clothes or hair cuts.  I've always been everyones fat fuuck of shittt dog in my family.  I have always been the big retard old fridget maid joke - the fat frump old nun who has amuzing identity problems.  I have never been allowed to bloom in my own right and grow as an adult or maure professional person.  I have had sex, men and hurtful degridating situation forced on me that have not helped me grown but have set me back emotionally and mentally.   My family in-laws are so evil and demonic they laughed at me when I went into a charity based beauty pagent to raise money for war vetrans. hardly any of them helped me at al, and they degridated me ritually. They think its funny that I failed uni, and got raped, they laugh at my loneliness, poverity, and stroke.  they have always mocked and laughed and belittled me with ritual satanic sexual abusive degridational humiliations.  I think they want me to be ugly, they wanted me to be fat again. and break down the fabric of my personality.  I can never be near my family inlaws from my mothers side especially, louise and patrick and phil.  now I know the dirty little secret. the dirty smurking at me over their sex abuse on me.   they can't bare to see me beautiful or loved by people my own age or happily acheiving at uni or work.  that 's what I hate them for - the mocking and degridations, the sex abuse vulturing and demeaning of peoples worth.

I may have been ugly, I may not be the most beautiful woman in the world but that doesn't mean I can't aim higher at things, or try to look better. it doesn't mean I don't deserve love, success or a career.

I was so ugly no one would give me a job no matter how hard I tried.  and none of the cute guys ever noticed me, never talked to me.  and most guys I knew treated me like scum dog **** - and a big joke.  I felt fat, depressed and unlovable, even when I lost weight and did more with my appearance it wasn't good enough.

no guys ever went out of their way to show me I was pretty... do treat me special... like buy me things and dance with me or take me out.

most of the people who were only all of about 2 or 3 ever told me I was pretty and they didn't say it with much genuiness.... 

I used to just laugh it off and not look for compliments and I excepted me as I was ... I didn't need people to tell me I was beautiful...

I had long red hair like Tiffany the 80's singer in my teens and like Isla Fisher last year or like Rita Hayworth... when I was 25.

I wasn't always fat either I was thin during my late teens and early twenties but no nice young men ever noticed me- no one knows how hurtful and painful that was to sit in classes where nice young men were who just ignored me as if I was not there.  it was so painful to me... I felt like suiciding often... bugsy didn't want to ever hug me or talk to me - he must have thought I was so ugly as a teen I was fat in my 13-16 years ...early teens.  heaps of guys rejected me... even my relatives didn't want to talk to me, I was so ugly I thought...

I wish a guy had of given me a proper modelling and photo session with designer clothes and model make over to let me see what I could be... all I ever seen in the mirror was a fat ugly ***** - I loved being thin - it was the best feeling in the whole world... no one else knows how good it felt to keep to a diet, and loose weight and stick to a routine... no one else knows how good it felt to be wearing pretty girls clothes and feeling like all the other girls.

no one else knows how good it felt to be rid of the boring fat ugly dull lonely sad face or loneliness... 

no one else knows how good it felt but me- no one else knows how awful its been to bought the weight back on.... 

I love experiementing with hair color and clothes etc and make up.... 

I am just sick of feeling like i am too ulgy or not pretty or cool enough not clever enough or rich enough to be liked and have a nice young man stay at my place and put me first instead of always last!!! over my relatives or neighbours etc.... it would be so good to wake up with a handsome man in my bed with me... and just chill out... 

czaristacrystals czaristacrystals 36-40, F 1 Response Apr 19, 2010

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wow...ur story's pretty deep. i just have no words,,,, im utterly speechless... all u gotta remember is " what goes around comes around"