Noone Ever Has, Noone Ever Will

Ever since I was in Elementry school I had no friends and was always picked on for being both taller than everyone and heavier. I also started puberty way earlier than my peers, which they laughed at me and called me horrible names for. In 3rd grade I went from being an honor roll student to a c-d student. Even my teacher was bitter and old and terrorized us. Many of my classmates tried to transfer out but there were too many who had transfered already. I was always alone, but at that age it hadn't really hit me how strange that was, seeing as how that was all I had known.

When I was in Middle school my grades dropped so bad in 7th grade that I got held back after going through the year in and out of ISS and OSS.

In my second year of 7th grade I was almost relieved at having a new start with a new group of kids. Noone knew me; I could make myself into whatever I wanted. I played the happy-go-lucky, naive girl that let the insults roll off without a second thought. My first friend in my life was a skinny little red head named Jen. She was the nicest person I had ever met, happy and sensitive. Through her, I met her best friend, Carly. She had alot of very love-hate relationships, which is why we never really hit it off. She had a friend named Taylor, whom I had played soccer with the year earlier.

I started hanging out with her and we were always together, until one day she just cut me off and left me alone. Turns out, I had become boring to her and she had a new, exciting friend. I was alone again. I guess if you aren't someones number 1, you're nothing at all.

Then, I somehow managed to pass the year into 8th grade. I was in a homeroom with 21 guys and 3 girls. I kept to myself, being very quiet until someone talked to me. I would get so nervous I would go off rambling, boring and freaking out the people who talked to me. Then I talked to the kid in front of me, Jon, one day in a moment of courage. We talked in a few sentences everyday, and soon we were having actual conversations. He was very easy to talk to and sweet. He was a good guy, which was such a change from all the guys I had ever met.

Over the summer I did soccer and met a girl named Kaitlyn. She was crazy and nice; we hit it off.

The next year I figured out Jon and Kaitlyn both went to the same high school as me. We became best friends, and were really close, until she started hanging out more with a new friend. She drifted away; Just like Taylor. Through Jon, I met Taylor, a quirky, funny kid. We've become really good friends.

I fell in love with Jon. Hard. He is my everything, forever and always, even though he'll never love me. I almost scared him away with how forward I was. He didn't think of me that way, and I was just pushing too hard. My love is manic. Obsessive and Needy. He's very personal though. He keeps his emotions to himself and he also doesn't believe he can be loved. He's a fool.     We are great best friends, but it took me until today to realize that we weren't a good match. We both need different things out of a relationship. I understand this, but it doesn't stop it from hurting.

I met a few friends through Jon and we were really close for a while until I started having personal problems, and random panic attacks. I started wanting to be alone except around Jon and Taylor. Taylor still doesn't know anything about what's going on, and though Jon knows, he has his own problems. It doesn't matter though. I don't want anyones pity. Just their understanding.

I found out that both of my best friends have their own best friends. My best friends just slipped through my fingers, though I guess I never had a grip to begin with. I still believe if you're not their everything, you're nothing.

My grades are below failing, and, after so many years, they've given up. They don't even yell at me anymore. I figured out my dad isn't my biological dad and now I feel as though I was just baggage that came with my mother. She says that I'm creating a rift between her and dad; That if I tear them apart she'll never get over it. She loves him more than me, which makes me nothing.

I really don't believe I can ever be loved, and it hurts everyday.

I've had days where my friends said I was almost high, though I don't do drugs, and where I was so depressing they didn't want to set me off. They don't understand. I'm not particularly pretty or smart, and I'm emotional, clingy, and too obsessive. I don't think I can handle letting anyone else in, just to have them ripped from me, taking a piece of me with them.

Kla818 Kla818
13-15, F
Mar 6, 2010