I'm Not Sure Why It Bothers Me So Much.

I know a handful of people who will always come to me for advice if they're in a tough situation. I try and give them my frankest advice after racking my brains, I don't always tell them what they want to hear - but I pride myself on being honest with them.
For instance I have a friend who is 20, and she is currently in a relationship with a guy who is 36 and going through a divorce as her first serious relationship. I told her that I thought he was going to mess her around, and to be careful and be sure about what she is getting herself into - and then she took off with him for a couple of days out of the city - I actually worried that I wasn't going to see her again.
We're only young at the end of the day, and I just can't understand why she's gotten herself into a relationship with so much baggage when she is the most naive person I know.
I know I can't control her life, and that her mistakes are hers to make, and that I'm only a sounding board at the end of the day - but just really annoyed me that I poured my heart out to her, she agreed - and then completely ignored me...I just feel so used.
And it also bothers me because she's got it so romanticised in her head, but at the same time knows that it's not going to end well - and that all I can do is stand back, watch it happen, and then try to comfort her when it all goes wrong... 
ClosedBook ClosedBook
18-21, F
72 Responses Jun 6, 2010

She has to learn on her own. She knows what you are saying is correct but until it actually happens she will ignore your advice. I hope you will be friend her when she needs help in picking up the pieces

Advice isn't worth much.<br />
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The mark of a good friend is whether he/she'll be there if the person made a mistake and needs help.

let her learn, she gotta learn her mistake when it come to it. if you keep catching her before she fall, then she will never learn how to pick herslf up.

Well you did what you could. I can relate to the girl you're talking about. The guy I'm seeing is older than me, going through a divorce, and has a LOT of issues. Normally, I'm good at using my head and staying out of situations that will most likely end up stressing me out or hurting me in the end. But when emotions get involved, the heart wants what the heart wants. I'll probably end up getting hurt in this relationship, but for now I'm very happy. (And hey, take in the good, get over the bad...) "You can't fall in love if you're afraid to get hurt." <br />
And seeing as this is your friends first serious relationship, her emotions are probably playing a great deal in her clouded vision of this guy she's interested in. Unfortunately all you can do is be a shoulder of comfort in this situation. <br />
Sometimes you've got to learn the hard way. So let her learn, and NEVER say "I told you so" in the end.

Her relationship isn't really your business. I think you're flattering your elf with the "I'm a good honest pers, I care too much" stuff - trying to justify your behavior. Stop trying to control others and start managing your own life and your owm relationships.

maybe they will live a long and fruitful life.happy together.forever. you think of that?

This may be hard to understand but i will say it anyway she may just be in it for the $ex and quite enjoying all the attention.

I find life to be interesting this way. I was born into a family where my first years consisted of silence. We weren't allowed to speak unless spoken to. Observing people and hypocrisy created a new pattern for me, and once I got moving on (running away) I created my life ba<x>sed on as much honesty as I could muster. It's tough both hearing and saying, but in the end of the day, it helps to keep on track of who one is and where one wants to go. One can be honest in different ways and it can be said with different vibrations and intentions. Make sure you know you say what you want to say and you mean what you say.<br />
I believe (as someone also wrote) there is nothing beyond honesty. To be honest is the best gift you can give anyone. Your BEING is ba<x>sed on honesty and from that all that you are, want, need and create it emanates in its purest sense.<br />
LOVE is only love with honest intentions as well..<br />
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Anyway, Once on my own, my life became honest to others AND myself. Thats the toughest road, but the straightest path in life *I* found. You have given from yourself what you can.<br />
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Now.. You're still young, remember.. Once being honest, you need to learn to let go of the feeling of control. I know you know you can't choose for her nor control her life. But many times we know this intellectually, yet emotionally we put ourselves up for disappointment because we still expect people to follow the advice.<br />
She has her own path to walk. Own choices to make. Without falling, she wont KNOW. She wont choose better for herself. This is her life to learn and live. <br />
As you with yours.<br />
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Her decision MAY seem stupid, not thought through or whatever else, yet maybe her choice is absolutely and definitely RIGHT for the life she's creating and living. Don't rob her of the lessons. Just find your own place in it all.<br />
Should you stop her? Can you? Would you? - Why?<br />
Should you wait? Can you? Would you? - Why?<br />
Should you help? Can you? Will you? - Why?<br />
<br />
The best step in a situation like this *I* found, was to allow people to choose for themselves and then make sure I am where I want to be. Am I a friend wholeheartedly, then I'll be there when the person needs me. Because she wont know she needs you before she needs you. [smiles]<br />
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Breathe.<br />
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Love<br />
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You are not a mental health professional or you would offer advice from outside the forest, ob<x>jective, non judgmental and with no baggage or agenda you bring to the table. That is why I never, ever see people I have even a fleeting link to. I am not chastising you for this error, only helping you understand why you are torn and you have so many emotions in play. I avoid stereotypes and anecdotal evidence and rely on good peer reviewed knowledge and statistical analysis. I could not give proper advice to a person who I have even the slightest connection to. Friends give good support if it hits the fan but should leave the rest to professionals. Every meeting has to at a minimum establish the role of all the pla<x>yers

It sounds like you are in love with this friend.

I know how you feel.... I can understand to a certain extent. Right now all that you can do is watch things as it unfolds. Incase it goes wrong, you give her a hug and let her cry on your shoulder.... That is the best you can do right now...

That's what friends r 4 ??!!

To be frank, I try to make a note of when other people's problems are starting to seem like my own. I love my friends dearly, but sometimes we can get a bit too wrapped up in their lives. We can only do so much to "save" them and half the time we can't even do that.<br />
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I love Shaylon's comment:<br />
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"It is her life! Let her live it! Right or Wrong it does not belong to you."<br />
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That's a hard pill to swallow, but I have learned this is the truth, plain and simple. We can't "save" anyone that doesn't want to be "saved".<br />
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All we can do is be there to listen and perhaps pick up the pieces if things do not go well.

Some people/ friends just don't listen. You can express what you feel or think but it is not going to change her mind at that age. She will have to as someone said .. fall on her face.

Yeah, I have noidea idea how you just feel. I have this virtually identical situation, and never do I feel like "oh geezeus here we goes again". I offer and probably will always continue to safe harbor such battered hearts. I can't open port for the broken and weary only to criticize them. I can offer opinions where applicable, and I am totally ok whether my soap box dimebag confessional is taken. If they just listen, that's enough for me to know, I did my job. A warm place that's safe and knowing I helped keep them safe from themselves for a day or so, is my compensation. Your friend sounds young and really needs to make their own choices and learn from their mistakes. They're only twenty years old. There is alot of growing to be pained through for them. Stand back and allow them to run their lives. If unmanageability becomes apparent, lend a hand and help.

very simple equation that I have learned through many years of friends, and enemies... <br />
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There is a time for two things with the dead honest approach with no sugar coating and its usually more effective in the Ying..<br />
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the Yang of the Ying: Watching them make the mistake, with the best of luck (aka advice, given only once! this is key).<br />
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The Ying to the Yang: Your consoling thoughts are needed and NOW your advice is needed and will be heard better once the cloud has been cleared..

honey i have given advice to one particular friend and she constantly does the opposite of what i advice her. Most people that seek advice just want reassurance that what they're doing is right anything else and they dismiss it. At the end when they see that what you said rang true they'll probably come back to you when its too late telling you how right you were. Just be there for her whether or not this thing of hers blossoms or just goes down the gutter remind her that she will not be alone.

I have been in both positions. The young naive girl who got involved with a 40 year old man, and now the woman who gives the advice. The only thing I can say is that maybe there is more going on than meets the eye. I got involved with the man because it offered a way out of my home situation. My mother and I could not get along. She was mentally unstable, and constantly at my throat. I needed someone who was older and (I thought) wiser, who had a steady income and stability. I knew I could never afford rent on my own, and none of my friends had the ability to move in with me or help me out in any way. He was the only one who could help. We moved in together and he divorced his wife. We got married a year later. I knew it wouldnt last, but I made the best of it. He was an alcoholic and had several kids by 2 previous marriages. We divorced 6 years later.<br />
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What I didn't know at the time was my mother had borderline personality disorder. Unknowingly I chose a mate who brought similar patterns of behavior to my life. Unpredictability, fighting, chaos. We are doomed to repeat the childhood experiences we grew up with in order to try and 'set things right'. Unconsciously we choose partners who in some way mimic what we learned in childhood. If a parent was abusive, we will choose someone who will bring out those coping skills we learned as a child. If we have a childhood that is filled with chaos and disorder, the best thing we can do is get help to sort things out before getting involved with someone. Otherwise we may make a choice that is less than ideal. <br />
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Fast forward 20 years later. I have a friend who is in an abusive marriage. She won't get out. I have another friend who can't stand his wife, yet is staying "for the kids." Every day I hear the trials and tribulations of their lives, and I tell them patiently to make a plan, and save up some money, get their things in order, and get out. Every day I hear one excuse after another as to why this cant work or that won't work, and it drives me crazy to see one friend say on facebook how she adores her husband, and it's all a lie!! Their marriage is a farce! He is the biggest a$$ on the face of the planet. And she complains about him all the time. He has thrown things across the room at her before. <br />
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We all have to be careful. When faced with situations like these the natural tendency is to become codependant. We so desperately want them to make good choices, that we want to step up and live their lives for them, bail them out of trouble, and pick up the pieces for them. Please don't. I am not trying to be cruel, but from experience I can say that they need to learn life's lessons. They cannot learn anything if we keep loaning them money that will never be repaid, giving them handouts, feeling sorry for them, and whatever else we do to make their existance more tolerable. What we are doing, in fact, is enabling their lives to go on as they are, without any chance of change. The very thing we wish to stop, is going on because of us. And THAT, my friends, is the really unfair part.

Ritual De La Habitual.

Ha! In cases such as these,I usually say,'join the club!',so to speak,but this time,there is REALLY one! :D

some people only know abuse. That's what they were taught by their loved ones growing up! They can't be helped! They have been hurt and damaged. Sorry! If you find a way to help them, let me know. I'm gonna publish and make a million bucks!! I'm not trying to be callus, just an observation.

I think, to be a true friend, you just have to ride it out and be there to pick up the pieces when it inevitably goes wrong.<br />
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And it will go wrong.

I have read all the comments and must say all very insightful and well meaning but the boyyom line is iy is herlife and as such she will make her own choices right or wrong,, most people ,if yhey are to have a successful relationship have a bad one first,, the others who think they have it all find out later thry are wrong the question yo me is ,, whether it is better to make mistakes early or later in life,, i actually do not know of anyone who at a young age made adecision that they are happy with today,, Perhaps there are people out there but in aqll honesty i have never met one and i am in my 60s

In a way, it sounds like being a parent. As far as I know, and I willbe learning this firsthand in the near(ish) future, a parent can only<br />
1) give the advice<br />
2) let the child absorb the advice<br />
3) watch as the child decided to use or ignore the advice<br />
4) watch them walk to the edge of the cliff (as they make their decision) <br />
5) and let them fall over the edge if/when they go over.<br />
Part of being a friend and parent is to just be there for them (to help get them back up) no matter how you feel about their decision. This is when the phrase "live and learn" comes in. I would cut off a friend if they continued to make the same mistake over and over despite my advice, though. It's true that a person can only take so much...

I'm currently in a relationship with some one who's also a lot older than I am. She brings her past issues with her life, family and even exs into the relationship. I stopped doing many things for her and still continue to change everything about me and she still hasn't lightened up. I understand her part and I do understand yours too. The only people that know this about my relationship is me, my girlfriend and anybody who reads this, but of course none of you know who I am.

I know exactly how you feel, my friends do this sort of thing all the time to me. All you can do is try to let them go through the motions and they will realise at the end "oh you were right" and they will learn from it. Just got to think of every mistake as another learning experience. You just have to be there to catch them when they fall maybe?

What you did was for the best, and was all you could do. Advice is simply that- advising, not making choices for them. If we could make good choices for other people, they would never learn on their own. Possibly the most painful kind of learning, by consequence, if they even get a consequence.<br />
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I did something similar to what you did, and told a friend that the guy she was going for was bad news. She kept hanging out with him anyway, and he ended up harassing her in the end, to the point where she tries to avoid him at all costs. <br />
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It can be so frustrating when people don't take our good intentions to heart. It's a very personal thing, and it feels good when they agree that Yes, that would be what is right for them. A lot of it seems to be What would be good for them in the long run versus Temporary satisfaction and desires. They do what will make them happy and feel loved, wanted in the short-term, but the long-term happiness- it is ignored. It is hard to get people to make the decisions that will be hard to them now, but will be satisfying years from now. They don't tend to think that way. When I say They I don't have an Us and Them mentality, because everyone including me thinks that way. It's instinct, survival.

Love is not blind, it refuses to see that there is a ditch on the path you are walking into and sooner or later you will fall. Do not think that she has ignored your advice, she has it right in her heart and will regret later on when her heart is broken, she will remember you.

Love is not blind, it refuses to see.... that there is a hole on the road you are walking to and that you will fall.

Love is not blind, it refuses to see.... that there is a hole on the road you are walking to and that you will fall.

Love is not blind, it refuses to see.... that there is a hole on the road you are walking to and that you will fall.

I am sitting here and laughing at how funny this life is. The reason I am laughing is because I have gone throw same situation several tiMe in my life<br />
All I am going to say is by ttime you will learnn how to be sincere give your advice and still dont get to involve. I am saying this with experience and thats how god has made us.<br />
For now lets just be friends. So add me to your friends :)

Dating men who are going through a divorce (separated) or recently divorced is a VERY BAD idea. People in that situation are mentally and emotionally upside down. I'll never do it again. Whoever "he" is will have to be divorced for at least half a year before I'll date him. I found this article and have shared it with MANY single friends: <br />
<br />

I used to be a lot like that. I've found that whatever advice you give people they never listen. Try looking at it this way. Even if you make all the right decisions you never know where it will actually lead you. Some of my greatest mistakes are what made me a more mature, less naive person. The best thing any of us can do is learn from our mistakes. That being said. Keep giving sound advise but try not to lose sleep over it because it doesn't make a difference. Honestly. I've been on both sides of this.<br />
If you really want to put your foot down you can choose to say. "If you don't follow my advise then I may not be there to help you pick up the pieces if it comes crashing down" And that would be perfectly fair. You do have your own problems to worry about after all.<br />
In a sense you're an enabler.... You seem like kind of a maternal type in the sense that you want to nurture, protect and so on. So would you rather coddle your friend, or let her discover on her own even if she get's a few bumps on the head? This is what you have to ask yourself I think.

some things you just know won't end well and don't want to watch, like certain movies or your friend's romance. so don't watch. it bothers you because you don't want her to get hurt or whatever, but you know, getting hurt a couple times is part of growing up and it's like instinct, people are drawn to do stupid things they know they are going to get hurt doing by some sort of strange instinct or obsession it's just part of human nature...

Maybe deep down she knows you are right but can't admit it.

I think its best to give advice and be impersonal about it. whether she heeds your advice or not is another matter, so you shouldnt be too bothered about. If you feel used, maybe it might be because you might need to get some mindset change. <br />
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When people ask you for advice, they are looking for your valuable input because they believe you are wiser than them etc. or be able to see things clearer than them. It might help you feel better that they never ask with the intention of using you, but instead they see you as a valuable friend whom they can confide and guide them. When people ask you for help in the form of advice, give it to them freely, give it to them without expecting them to follow your advice, and leave the rest up to them. When they do make mistakes, do not say " i told you so", because it will be like kicking them again when they are down.

I agree. I think sometimes people who are doubting their situation will go to many of their friends and ask for advice/input. They want to hear the opinions of many people so that then they can sort through all of the advice and think about what they want to do.

I know exactly what you mean. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times people I have given advice to, that have chosen to ignore it, have come back and told me I was absolutely right and they wish they had listened to me. Some people just have to learn from their own mistakes. They hear what you say and may completely agree and understand it, but they just can't seem to control their behavior until they learn the hard way that everything you have said is true.


Im the same way. I all ways have people coming to me and asking me for advice which i don't mind but sometimes i feel like i have no one i can go to myself. but like you I'm all ways frank about it and I have had the issue about some one asking me for advice and not listening to it. The only thing you can do really is start looking at it like, they asked for your advice you gave it to them and its up to them how to use it. I finely started looking at it that way cause i had friends that would do that and when they didn't listen i would get so pissed off.

Some people have to learn on their on that you can not always trust what a persons says or believe that they have your best interest at heart. Actions speaks louder than words and this guys action will eventually wake her up to see that she had made a mistake.<br />
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And then again, when all of his mess is over they may live happily ever after! Life is funny that way but still, she has to experience the joys and pains of relationships.<br />
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Consider this "training" for her when dealing with the opposite sex, lol....

Sometimes all you can do is sit back and watch it happen. in order for her to learn or people in general they have to fall in order to know that someones there wanting to catch them. This is usual. She may or may not end up getting hurt, but it's most likely that she will.. and she may allow it too keep happening. Some people don't know where to go from being hurt. It's all they ever know. She will see. You can't say you didn't try.

If you are solely basing this off of he fact he is getting a divorce I know that relations can work with one person getting a divorce. I have been with my guy for sometime now and he is going through a divorce and custody battle. I have been taking care of his son and him taking care of my son and vise versa all over again. If you didn't know any better and saw us out you would think we were the perfect lil family when in reality we are integrated. The divorce isn't an easy one and it has taken its toll on our relationship, but we are still going strong and working through the issues that arise with the Divorce. It is possible. The age thing...age is just a number...love is love!! Age doesnt define who can love someone and who can't love someone! If it ends up being a mistake then its her to make like you already said. All you can do is wish her the best and be there for her when or IF it all comes crashing down!

When they say love is blind, believe me and everyone that had to learn who could think back and agree LOVE IS BLIND! She will realize that this man has plenty of baggage coming from his divorce and will realize that she doesn't like what's in his bag and I'm not talking about whats in his pants. I'm talking about the baggage of his old ways that he needs to assess to realize that in order to make a change for a new relationship he needs to acknowledge the things he's done in that marriage that it didn't work. Because both parties get divorced both had their part that lead to the divorce. What is this man able to recognize that he did that he wants to make some positive change for his new relationship. Now that's just one issue, next issue is if he had children she better forget about being number one on his list cause his children will be his 1st priority. She may be daydreaming now, he's probably her first good hit, believe it love is blind. She will learn that love is an action word and were not talking sex either, Love is not a word. Sometimes people will have to fall hard face first to get a wake up call, until then her dearest friend could only give good advise and take a step back and let her own friend make her choices because sometimes the worst experiences are the best lessons in life that she will learn from.<br />
But Still continue to be there as a friend, but when she complains of all the things that he's doing that you already warned her just tell her if you don't like it change it and if your not going to make a change, then shut up and put up and deal with it.

Naive or not.....love makes you stupid sometimes.<br />
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If his divorce isn't complete (filed at the courthouse), there's a good chance he will get back with his wife.<br />
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A LOT of men play this game.

Here's the thing. I've been on both ends of the friendship and I can tell you this: it's not that she doesn't value your opinion or doesn't care what you have to say, it's simply that most of us don't want to hear what we know is the truth deep in our hearts because it hurts. True friends will say it anyway, but don't take it personally if she doesn't follow your advice. In the long run, she will love you for giving it regardless. And don't stop caring. Caring is what makes you such a good friend and she is lucky to have such a friend.

If you truly care, value, and love your friend, all you can do is support and accept her if she wants to take that route. Sometimes, no matter how much advice you give that person that you care a lot can still be blind by it because they never experience themselves yet and don't see the huge consequences. You did the best you could to state your opinion and now its all up to your friend to make that choice of the path she wants to go which it already happen and ended up with the guy. Most of the time, people need to learn and experience mistakes to realize the truth whether it will turn out fine or not. It's easy to jump into conclusion just because how it's being view as a dramatic age difference. I totally get how you feel of putting so much effort and energy to this and feel like you did that for nothing and hard to accept the age difference. I would feel the same way too. I hope you can adapt or make adjustment to it. I hope that helped or gave you some ideas.<br />
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giv her d advice, wait 4 her to ignore it n den learn a lesson, n den giv her di told u so look, sevral times, dis way atleast she wil stop using u to pour out her agonies, n beware carryin around odr peopl's baggage makes one lose perspective f one's own priorities

I'm in a situation right now that I know will end bad, and I've listened to the advice of quite a few people (all of whom tell me to leave the company of the girl in question) and yet I ignore them and continue forward. This isn't an insult to my friends or to their advice; I actually agree with them for the most part. The thing is that I'm extremely stubborn/persistent, and I hate having "what ifs" in my life. I need to ride it out and experience it for myself. <br />
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I think your friend is similar.

Yeah, that really annoys me when my friend ignores my advice as well. My friend is sort of in the same situation as yours but she is a lot younger - and more arrogant.

The "Green Light" Advice Seeker.<br />
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I understand your situation, all to well. All the time invested in helping friends...hearing their plight, ingesting all the details...to give the best advice to friends.. to guide them and sometimes to protect them etc. I have learned over the years that some people will ask for advice not bc they are actually looking for wisdom but simply because they are looking for someone to agree with them, some kind of confirmation that their actions are right or justified, this is why I call them the "Green Light Advice Seeker" <br />
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I find this esp. true when the seeker is in a relationship having no clean edges. When everyone else says "stay away", this person will seek yet another opinion for confirmation of their actions.<br />
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When the person giving the advice has advice that is contrary to the seeker, the seeker fitting this desc<x>ription will not ask many questions (sometimes none at all) as they are quick to brush off any nonconforming ideas different from their own current wants and needs. This is a telling sign that this person really doesn't care what others think and is truly just looking for the "green light". <br />
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This person may ask five different people...for the same advice and five of the advisors give the same advice - to no avail. because the seeker is not seeking advice just "green lights", therefore after all the advisors have each spent an hour digesting all the information and giving their best advice.<br />
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The seeker already has her bag packed as she hears your last word, is already heading out the door with a "Oh, thanks a lot... I uh sorry, I have to go now.." attitude as she runs out of the house and into the car to spend a weekend with ......Mr. Wonderful. <br />
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Personally, I've learned my lesson and spend a lot less time on giving advice to these friends and more time on my own projects. I feel a lot better too.

It's. not. about. you.<br />
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You may truly be concerned about your friend's situation in life. But when you are so upset and frustrated that she doesn't take your advice, you are also saying that she is rejecting you. Don't be disingenuous about your motives here.<br />
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You make an assumption that your friend wants advice. She could be looking for many other things. A sympathetic ear from someone she trusts; someone to sit with her in her pain. A sounding board for her to work things out on her own. Knowing that she is not alone.<br />
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Advice from friends is cheap. If your friend truly wanted "advice" to get out of her situation, there are libraries and bookstores filled with self-help books that will tell her exactly what she needs to hear without having to deal with a "friend" who is subtly looking down his/her nose at her. Strangers on the street can tell her exactly the same thing.<br />
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You truly want to help your friend? Read up on a technique called "reflective listening," also called "active listening," or 'Rogerian listening." In this process, you restate to her what she is saying, using different words. Your friend may not be able to hear what she herself is truly saying to you. By offering a restatement of her words, ba<x>sed on your own authentic self, you may be able to show her the situation in a way she has never seen before. She probably needs that more than "advice." I can tell you from professional experience that this method works, and works well.<br />
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Do I sound angry? You bet. I have an entire family who wants nothing more than to display their superiority over me by offering me the same kind of "advice" you speak of offering. And if one were to look at the lives of my family members, one would see that they need "advice," too.

When you have friends who are like that you need to tell them you need your own space but also let them know you can be there for them still. If they don't understand that then you shouldn't be friends with them <br />
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Tell your friend you don't you like she is navie, if age gap bothers you tell her, and tell her how you feel about the baggae. Thats all you can do, if you don't tell her who is going to? , tell her you are telling her this because you care about her and if she doesn't listen its her life, her choices, her mistakes she will learn from that. Its part of life.

First of all, let me just say that I have heard all that you have said a million times, and a million times over in my lifetime. Not because I have experienced it first-hand, or perhaps because I HAVE, but from the other perspective. And, in all honesty, I think we all have had our fair share of advice-seeking, even if we weren't necessarily guaranteeing that we'd follow it. It's not that we are making "stupid choices." To you, they may be just so, but to us, they are the choices that we are hoping and praying will get us where we want in life. Everyone needs to make their own choices in life, but nobody should have to make them all alone. That's what friends are for; to offer their advice and 'words of wisdom.' That doesn't mean we will listen or follow. We just want to see what other options there are out there before we go and leap without looking. Look at the bright side: at least these people are contemplating the situation. And better yet, coming to you for help! You all seem so quick to conclude we are doing our own thing out of spite or that we don't care or maybe are just too stubborn to see an alternative, but that's not the case. Personally, some of you seem to have fallen victim to hypocrisy here. Just as you expect your friends to see your point of view, why not try looking at things from their point before you go "not giving a damn anymore." I mean, think about it: The difference between your opinion and that of your friend is that you are looking at the situation from a third-person angle, allowing you to think rationally about what is supposedly best. You can look at bits and pieces of everything (i.e. partner behavior, baggage, etc.) and come up with a logical solution. From the first-person standpoint, there are emotions and little minute details that may have been neglected to be mentioned when explaining the situation when asking for advice. You don't know everything there is to know about another person's life, so (as alenahennessy had said) don't assume you do and respect each other's boundaries. Best of luck to the both of you.

I can relate to what your feeling my best friend is in an abusive relationship and i see that and where it's going and have spoken to her of it yet she adamantly denies it in spite of the fact that he has already hit her once among other things...She is engaged to this man and I don't see it lasting or going well at all she can't even hardly speak to me bcuz of him and fears him getting angry and she also can't visit me without him which makes it impossible for her to visit bcuz I won't b around him and he is not allowed in my home or near my children...This makes me feel abandoned, betrayed, and used...I can also say that not all relationships that invovle a man(or woman) going through a divorce will fail I am currently in a relationship with a man who just got the court date to finalize his divorce and is 29 yrs old...So far we have been together 3 months and I am living with him, caring for his children, and possibly carrying one of his children...Have u taken a closer look at their relationship? Or are you going ba<x>sed off the fact that he is older and going through a divorce?

i'd like to add another comment, which is probably similar from your whom-you-care-a-lot friends' point of view.<br />
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i've been in this relationship for 3 years on and off. i know that it is not my ideal relationship. i've left him too a few times. but i've been coming back to him. you know why? because i care a lot about him. as much as you care about your friends. it's human nature.<br />
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i think there is the time for everything to happen, and it has to go through all the dramas.<br />
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i also have friends like you telling me to leave him. and i totally agree with them! but i just can't do it for some reason!! i don't talk to them much anymore, because whenever we talk, it's always about "leave him, he's not good for you". i don't hate them. they're still around. and they will still be around to say "i told you so".<br />
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well, i've managed to make more friends, i'm going for a holiday overseas for a month. i've started asking around about going back to school. and i'm really planning to move to another state where i lived previously. i'm getting closer to that "time" when something has to happen.

welcome. to. my. life. !!! <br />
wow i am so glad that someone is going through the same stuff that I am! My older sister (she is a twin) is going out with a guy that screwed over my other sister. And after all of that, he treats her so bad!! He has even cheated on her! I can't even get her to take a break from him, and it is ridiculous! Sometimes she finally comes to her senses and sees my point of view (which makes me feel good) but then she will just run back to him (which is a HUGE slap in the face for me). It frustrating that she makes stupid decisions and I have to just pick up the pieces. But I guess at the end of the day, everyone is going to do what they what to do, and it is her life. I just think its really frustrating and very unfair.

there,s alot of problems you have to think about what you are getting yourself into sometimes theres people you wish that would open up like you and make wide choices but they dont double think about it they only want to do things for them that arent right people need to know alot of swituations that go on are not going to help people alwayes cheat or lie or start drama whitch for one thats 2 year old stuff number 2 sometimes people dont act thereselves is either because they are pretenders and or fake or they just take there feelings out the wrong way when people need help they should go to someone im alwayes a postive respetful person and i see things alot diffrent people just dont get it where are lies going to go and where are your actions going to put you im sick of getting cheated on i want a real relationship yeath im 18teen but im macher anough and i know right from from wrong and im very responsible i never cheat on anyone i go through depprsion because people dont understand what love is love is suppost to be a good thing fun happyness and ownesty and trust and stick with one person not blow them off like they are a peace of funture but if they hurt you they dont think or they are just loosers that dont want to mkae wide dessctions people alwayes sometimes want people for sex whitch is really stupid and sex is not the thing if you have sex with someone dont take that personal lol well if you do thats suppost to be love not because it feels good and you like it people need to open there minds and think about alott of things but it,s sad the way alot of people see the good ones and the other people just want to act fake and waste there time and it,s not right think before you do it ive been hurt so many times i cant trust nothing anymore and im still alone i alwayes try to be there for that person and help them but all i do is get ****** on apprently and i just want things to be better and i wish that alot of things would be diffrent in this world

i was very much the same way years ago with my friends and because i didnt say what they wanted to here they thought i was being judgmental toward them and no longer wanted to tell me anything. i dont know what it was, it was like them doing the wrong things when i know they could do so much better bothered me so much. so the fact that they took my opinions out of context i just said forget and changed my mind said to not giving a damn anymore.

sounds like atm she is in love with him, or thinks she is, so you're going to have a tough time convincing her of anything right now

You are a good friend... dont change that... if she is naive....and the only way she wont be is by experiencing life with its attractions and foibles in her way, driven by a deeper underlying need for experiences varied and seemingly exciting....and because you are a good friend you fear for her well being naturally...<br />
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When her heart is broken you will be the first one she will come to for comfort and advice...because your heart is pure and caring she will know that deep down.... Your wisdom love and care will never be forgotten by her...even if she never acknowledges it to you...

Yeah rite!!! If SHE's anything like my "x" bff. Sheks telling u he's no good. He's telling u he don't "her". Then the next day u find out the only two people who said "they loved you!" And would "die" for me were (involved!) Tear- I'm alone! N my heart hurts. N I I can't breathe! That's betral,like jesus..with a kiss.

Like jesus with a kiss. Wow. Such betrayal. Imagine you offering your lastbsupper before being crucified. Can you? I have lived what now feels like several lives and have yet been sentence to death. Wanted to die, but that doesn't count, self serving cowardly daydreams for the easy way out. If your friends really did this too then they're garbage. Just trash. I do like the analogy though. Shows some incredible imigery of pain and betrayal.

This happens to me too; at home, and also here online. Have some EP friends who talk to me about their problems. I give them the best advice I can. Of course, I'm not a psychiatrist, (though I feel like I might be to them) I just hope this is good advice they consider.<br />
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Pray for God's wisdom to give the best advice.

I have the same problem, my girlfriend had finally kicked the man out of her apartment and was starting to move on with her life and then after just a couple months she followed him out of town to live with him there and start it all over again (he's an alcoholic, and he's still drinking just as bad, as well as physically threatening to her) I realized that I needed to just back off and disconnect from her, not stop being her friend, but allow her to make her choices without my opinion (trying to tell her what to do). I was worrying too much about her and she never seems to listen to me anyways. We have to learn how to practice safe boundaries within our relationships and when I was getting upset over her choices I realized I was invading her boundaries by thinking I knew better. We have to learn to let go. I suggest you read the book "Boundaries" because it explains how important they are for healthy relationships. It has helped me a lot. One of my favorite quotes (slightly revised here) "your friend has a higher power...and it's not you" ...that quote really hits home for me because I think I know better but I'm foolish to think I know it all, I'm not God and really shouldn't be trying to be Him.

@Shaylon - I did say that in my first post.<br />
"I know I can't control her life, and that her mistakes are hers to make, and that I'm only a sounding board at the end of the day".<br />
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It's that she's setting herself up to get hurt. She knows this relationship can't go anywhere for various reasons yet she is falling for him hard. And I don't want her to get hurt...

Friend, you gave honesty, there is nothing beyond honesty, you gave the most you have. Some folks are contrary, you say white, their mind says black, a challenge excites them!

She will remember!!! Not right away.. but in time that you were a good friend to her. After her heart gets broken and she finally moves forward there will be a healing period for her. You just be the good friend. There is nothing more valuable than that for you to do.

The biggest problem I see here is that she went after a man who is already married, but is getting a divorce... that is trouble waiting to happen.

It is her life! Let her live it! Right or Wrong it does not belong to you.

Sometimes, and this is the truth, the only way to make a person understand is to have them fall on there face for them to finally realize there mistakes. Perhaps this is a moment in which this will happen. And all you can do is warn her that she is making a mistake. But at the end of the day all you can truly do is just be there. Your presence alone is vital to her, even though it may not seem that way. It is. You are not being used, you are in a chess game with this guy, for every warning you give her, chances are he gives her two more false hopes and promises. Just be there when she falls my friend, so you can help her back up....