Save Me From My Self

hi everybody, i'm an algerian young man, i'm 20 years old, a student and i'm gay.
i had never have a relationship or sex relationship with anybody in my life, because it is my biggest secret.

in august 2012, i met a man on chatroulette, he is from usa ,he is gay too.i told him about my secret, we love eachother, and he is my first love .
when i skype with him, i always cry because i want to be with him, so i'm always sad and depressed....i don't eat, i don't focus in my study i always think about him, i always cry in my room, i'm worried about my mind.

he can't travel for me because of some raisons, so i have to do it me.but i don't have money to buy a visa even to pay for a holiday....

and to make this pain stop, i made to biggest and the hardest dicision in my life ;in august 30 , 2014 if i still faraway from him ,i will kill my self, i can't live with such biggest pain in my heart , i miss him so much....
i know that my family and friends will be hurted,but if i'll be alive the only one person who is hurted is me , so i don't have a choice....." to be happy or not to be".
I do my best to join him and save my life, i am ready to be a genius for that and ready to be married with an american girl so i can go, i'm ready to do crazy things for my life.

the time is going faster and i want to save my life......i need help
hurtedboy hurtedboy
18-21, M
2 Responses Dec 16, 2012

Hi, please don't hurt is great that you have 1) found you are gay 2) found someone who loves you. Many, many people do not do or get either of these. You are very young and still have lots of time to make money, travel, skype, and more. I heard that in some countries it is a crime to be gay, is this true in Algeria? Is there anyone you can talk to over there?

being gay is not a crime, but it is not accepted in our society, and this is not the place to live for gays, and this is why nobody knows about my gay, and i still can't say it to someone, not because of trust but it is a big risk for my life.. even for a doctor, i'm ashamed and shy, and it is my top secret..
if i got the choice i would chose to be normal...but i did not chose to be what i am.
i think this is the time for me to live the love and be i have to do the impossible for that....i'm 20, and i prefer no life then life without love or life with love in 40 or 50....
thank you for your comment...
.be happy.

Wow that must be so horrible, I hate feeling shame, it is a terrible feeling. Please look at some other options before suicide. There are many other places where being gay is not something to be ashamed of, especially in Europe which is way closer to you now...why not see if you can get there, then make your way to the States in time? But you would do well to get to another place where you don't feel so bad about yourself...rather than dying...

actualy i'm trying to go to europ, last year i was the first in over 200 pupils in my faculty, so they suggest me a promotion it is about studying in europ, i'm preparing documents for cv is good but we don't know...maybe i'll be accepted, maybe no.....i'm optimist but i'm worried to be destroyed if they will not accept me....because i'm realy doing my i'm realy worried about the day when i know i'm not accepted........i wish everything will be fine.

Please don't take your own life. When the time is right everything will fall in place. If you take your life imagine how hurt he will be and then there will be no chance for you guys to be together. With patience there is a reward. Always remember that.

when we fall in love, it is difficult to believe that one day i'll be happy without him, it is realy hard, since the time when i knew him, i wonder ' why the world is not open for everyone' ,'why can't we be with the one we want in this world', '' why can't we be happy''......thank you for your comment happy..and enjoy your life.