My Husband the Insecure

My husband was an Army private when he suddenly returned home due to an illness (meaning that he never told me he was coming home, I didn't know until I got the call to pick him up at the airport).  Before he left he was strong, confident, good with finances, and secure in our relationship.  Yet, when he came home he had changed...for the worse.

He refused to get a job, he wouldnt help around the house nor with our toddler.  When he was in the military he would get a housing allowance which allowed me to get us a two bedroom apartment, it wasn't too expensive as long as we both were working, but not something i could afford on my own.  He said his compensation benefits (unemployment) was rejected (I later found out he didn't apply at all).

He said that he was depressed, his hip hurt and so did his knees.  After months of politely asking then turning into nagging, he finally went to the VA.  I took him to see a therapist but soon found out that he just wondered the building until I would come to pick him up.  When we had friends over he would literally do cartwheels, however, as soon as they left he would act like he couldnt do anything. 

Soon he became increasingly jealous of my friends.  I befriended a girl named Jess* through work and we started to hang out.  He would call 10 times an hour when we were out together.  Sometimes he would just call and hang up other times he would call just to ask me what he should eat.  Through Jess I befriended several other people.  One particular gentleman named Rick* although I had no attraction toward this man, through bitter fights and weeks of tears I started clinging to this man because he would let me cry on his shoulder.

Soon the VA doctors were able to tell us for certain that nothing was wrong with him.  He had no PTSD, nothing was wrong with his hip nor knees.  I flipped.  I felt played, emotionally and financially.  He was spending 1/2 of my income and playing a guilt trip on me.  He finally confessed to me that he felt insecure that I wouldnt love him without him being in the military. 

We went to couples therapy and things went well for a while.  He started applying for jobs and even went to therapy himself.  Then one day he decided to stop it all again.  I found out when I was driving him to job interviews he was just wandering the establishment. 

He told me that no one wanted to hire a vet.  After calling several places to find out that he just never showed up I packed up his stuff and told him to get out.  He broke down and we played this circle for 4 more months.  In the mean time Jess, Rick and I started hanging out more.  I even hung out with Rick several times on my own.  He never tried anything and neither did I.  But my husband only saw me hanging out with another man.  Which was odd considering I am and always have been a tom boy.  I was raised by men and Jess was actually the second girl I hung out with in my entire life.

Increasingly my husband started getting to the point where he would ask me everything.  I would have to pick out his clothes for him, tell him what to eat.  He started to act like he knew nothing.  I gave up and packed him up again. 

But this time he actually started to change.  He got a job (but its not enough to help with the bills that I found out he accumulated while away), continued therapy, even started taking his meds.  He started to help around the house and with our son.  We made some mutal friends but his conversation was off.  He would make outragious claims, bring things up that you would not typically bring up in public (rape, murder, etc) eventually they started to cool off of us.  He said that it was my "relationship" with Rick was what was doing it.  So I cut off my friendship with him.  However, it didn't work.

He constantly talks.  I brought it up to our therapist that I thought he was afraid of silence, his own thoughts.  He denied it.  He also still asks me to plan his entire day.  Like he is afraid of life.  Although he has gotten a job and helps around the house I can't help to feel resentment. 

I can't stand the sight of him anymore.  My ears ring whenever he speaks.  I do not like sleeping next to him.  My therapist suggested a break.  Its been a few weeks and things are the same.  I'm debating if she was right and perhaps it is time to go our seperate ways.  Making up my mind is hard.  We had been together so long, then he went to the army.  Now, its like I'm with a completely different man.

chasingforyears chasingforyears
4 Responses Mar 22, 2009

my husband was physically abused by his mother when he was just a kid. now he verbally abuses me, yells at me and is very controlling. i hate him but i can't support myself and my kids when i leave him. i do not have self-confidence that i doubt if i could actually finish anything that i've started to improve myself. he is very domineering but not that smart and tells everything that i do to anyone especially my relatives. i hate that when he does that. he never has learned his lesson. he's everything that i don't want in a man. he's loud and asks money from me all the time especially when he knows that me and my children have some money saved because of their allowance. help! i am so confused that i "eat"my way through depression.

He has some serious issues and your doing everything for him is not going to help him in any way, he will just become more and more dependent and will drag you down with him. Besides, this is not example for your child. To have a father who seldom works and can do nothing for himself is not a good role model and will have a bad effect on him, later in life. <br />
It is important that he seeks serious treatment, but maybe being away from you is what he needs (as long as he has the right support). He needs to take his life back, but right now he's just counting on you for everything and prolonging his illness.<br />
As hard as I know it can be, I would definitely leave him. And if you feel bad and responsible, monitor him, but without him knowing that you're doing it.

Sounds like something happened while he was away... something profoundly changed him. If he is acting crazy, you can't very well do your jobs in life well, so if I were you, I would seriously pray for guidance and for revelation. God Bless.

Sometimes in life we end up with situations we do not expect nor want to deal with, but here they are. You need to put yourself ahead and your child. Don't let weeks turn into months and years, you deserve to be happy, and he does too. Whatever you decide to do, do it from the heart.