i was always sad and angry when i was a kid and thought of suicide has been constantly on my mind. the earliest i can remember i can remember was when i was 9 years old. i don't know the specific event but i remember locking myself in the second floor bathroom and staring out the window, just looking below contemplating about jumping over. but i always chalked it up to teen angst. i mean who didn't hate their parents when they were kids? who didn't cry over petty things? who didn't try doing stupid things to get attention? so i didn't pay too much attention to it. except this one time, i think i was 14,15 at that time that i felt this calmness during suicide thoughts. usually i was angry when thinking of killing myself but that time i felt calm, like i just gave in. that that night would be the last night of my life. then i started crying cause i got so scared that that was it. i'll be gone in a few hours. so i started listening to hold on by good charlotte. that song literally saved my life. ii kept repeating it that night and kept reminding myself that there are kids out there who suffers more than i do. back then every suicide thought that crosses my mind is more because of anger rather than sadness. but when was in college (around 17 yrs old), i just started tearing up out of nowhere during class. i felt so down, my heart felt so heavy that i felt like i was physically hurting. it lasted for more than a week and during those days i didn't talk much with my friends and just locked myself inside my room. i was so sad that i was crying every night, questioning everything, and praying that i would not wake up in the morning. i think that was the first tine that i thought of suicide not because i was angry but because i was so sad. but i didn't pay too much attention to it. i though i was being emotional, dramatic. but the crying spells at night did not go away. it became more frequent. that's the time i started researching about depression. i was afraid to talk about it with anyone, specially my family, cause i was afraid they'd laugh at me and call me weak. me and my family aren't big at talking about emotions. i didn't dare talk to school counsellors or go to hospital to be checked cause i was afraid that they'd tell my parents. so i tried taking tests on the internet and every test result points to depression and that i should seek help. but i didn't. i just listened to music. it became my therapy. it used to work for me. i have this one song on repeat: hold on by good charlotte. But recently I started having this mood swings. i don't exactly know when it happened but it's getting stronger and stronger now. one day i'd be so happy, so over the moon. i'd plan road trips, go out, meet new people. i feel so alive, so happy that nothing fazed me. everything is good, if nothing went as planned i didn't get mad i just went with the flow. then i'd have these days were out of nowhere i'd feel so sad and lonely, it's so hard to start my day. i don't want to get out of bed, i'd make excuses to stay inside of my room. sometimes i'd get so angry. i don't care who i'm talking to i just snap at them. i didn't care about consequences. then i'd feel helpless, worthless. during these days, suicide is on the very top of my head. one time, it got so bad that i took my loaded gun (i play practical shooting) and place it on my bed in front of me. i wanted to get help, been researching about treatment. but the thing is sometimes i question myself. am i really depressed? cause sometimes i feel like i'm too aware of my emotions that maybe i'm just controlling it? another reason why i can't get help is that i can't convey my thoughts to other people. it's like i have this automatic filter when i'm talking to another person that won't let me say what's really happening inside my head. i really want this feeling to go away. i feel like i'm going crazy. it's specially harder when i have these changes happen in one day. i just want this to be over.
bhabhablacksheep bhabhablacksheep
22-25, F
Sep 1, 2014